Tell me what you want by Justin Lehmiller: Review

July 18, 2019 3 min read

Not so long ago, just before falling asleep, something popped-up in my mind: My boyfriend and I having a threesome with a surprise guest… my Brazilian ex from a lifetime ago. But it wasn’t a dream, as I was still consciously awake. In that moment when you stop thinking and just let your mind wonder I created a powerful image of what is now my new and latest fantasy.

I felt very lucky that during that same period I was reading what I regard as the most comprehensive and informative book about sexual desires and fantasies; “Tell me what you want” by Justin Lehmiller.

Lehmiller is a social psychologist and writer of the blog “Sex and Psychology” He's an expert on human sexuality who's goal was to collect, analyse and share the sexual fantasies of over 4,000 Americans. Which literally sounds like the best job ever!

With his impressive survey, Lehmiller collected an accurate and representative data of what we secretly desire when it comes to sex. And, being the voyeur that I am, I was delighted that first chapter of the book reveals the most common fantasies in America! 

buy the book here 

Of course I expected threesomes and bondage (which I guess wouldn’t have been so prominent without 50 Shades of Grey), but I was surprised to see how popular gangbangs, orgies and group sex are. It seems like our unconscious and more primal self, free of society’s code of conducts, actually might be not so happy with monogamy after all. 

The same goes for the other main fantasies including rough sex, taboo sex and erotic flexibility, which are all about “breaking free from cultural norms and sexual restraints”, as Lehmiller puts it so rightly. But why do people have different kind of fantasies and why do some share the same? Lehmiller explains how your gender, age, background and personality affects what you are most likely to want in bed. And the way he put's it is spot on! 

Ok. So now we know what our fantasies are and why we have them... Should you act on it? Should you even let a partner know? When is it safe to pursue a fantasy and when might we need to seek professional help? 

Lehmiller gives useful and non-judgemental tips on how to bring our fantasies to reality (if that's what we desire) and measures the pro's and the con's of revealing them. Turns out that knowing your partner and communicating well are one of the best places to start. You don’t want to confess your pee fantasy to your partner over dinner with the parents! 

Sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner/s can be a great experience that creates trust in the relationship, and Lehmiller’s book can be a great way to start exploring how to do that. 

By the way, I shared my “threesome with an ex who is a guy” fantasy to my boyfriend and we had more of a laugh than anything else, as it is really unlikely to become a reality. With my ex in question being thousands of kilometers away and my current boyfriend not being a huge fan of dicks... But I must admit that I felt a lot better after sharing it with him!

« Delfine is a voyeur/exhibitionist passionate about sex and its place in our world, human sexuality and behaviour. She likes to read and write about these topics, be naked and is half of a Lustery couple. » All posts →