I’ll begin by saying that I’m new to this whole thing. Not writing so much, but healing— especially through producing erotic content!
Both my partner and soon-to-be wife, Zoë and I suffer from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), which has caused a myriad of sexual dysfunction in our young adult lives and sparked a fair amount of grief and toxic shame.
It was only once we began to recognize our trauma and that it had not broken us that we were able to gain strength through our self awareness and begin to move forward and develop healthy coping mechanisms. Don’t get me wrong: it has been a rough, confusing journey of a healing process, but it’s worth it.
It’s not always pretty… definitely not always sunshine and roses by any stretch of the imagination.
But it works. And it works for two reasons:
1. We strive to be as honest as humanly possible both with our innermost selves and with each other, and
2. We are patient, compassionate, understanding, forgiving and curious with each other.
We do our best not to take things personally that needn’t be…
When you get in bed with a partner or partners, it is important to first make sure you are comfortable with yourself and your own body. If you have triggers, it is crucial to identify and address them without shame or fear of reproach: Recognize when your lover’s touch makes you uncomfortable and be sure to communicate that openly and clearly. Leave your shame at the bedroom door— it will only complicate things, and sex is supposed to be fun, not uncomfortable!
Zoë and I both have triggers from childhood sexual abuse, and for the longest time, it was difficult not to take it personally when I touched her in a way that I thought would turn her on, and in many instances would, but in that particular moment just so happened to trigger her sexual trauma.
We both had to work through that, and realize that our trauma had nothing to do with each other except for the fact that as lovers, We simply needed to remain patient and understanding— this alleviates a lot of pressure and makes things flow more smoothly.
Understand that it is perfectly acceptable and even advisable to become comfortable touching yourself in front of your partner— this will both allow the two of you to become familiar and comfortable with your own bodies as well as each others.
Trust me— it is SO much easier to please your partner after watching them please themselves— self love is a beautiful thing, and mutual masturbation is a huge help in facilitating enhanced intimacy and accelerating the learning (and healing) process. It’s worked wonders for me personally, and Zoë and I love to touch ourselves during sex, in order to take control of our own bodies and centre ourselves.
Your sexual identity is yours to discover and experiment with as you see fit— it is not some label or absolute that must be adhered to, but rather a fluid expression of your innermost sacred energy. It is important, then, to approach it with an attitude of playful curiosity— it is yours to own and explore, and the journey can be full of excitement and adventure.
Of course, complications likely will arise, and there will be times when trauma may be dredged up.
Resist the urge to try to repress it or run from it, but instead understand that it is totally okay, pause whatever activity you may be engaged in to centre yourself and work through it with a trusted partner or partners.
Breathing exercises, yoga, cuddling, or even watching a movie, TV show or some porn if you’re into that. Even cooking a light meal can help to refocus yourself (not to mention cooking naked is incredibly sexy and fun for couples— it facilitates patience and teamwork too!).
The healing process should not stop at the bedroom door, though! Grounding and centering exercises throughout the day, such as switching roles in housework, practicing patience, reading together and cutting down on screen time in exchange for more eye contact and loving touch.
Searching within your core to find your innermost desires and fostering true love for one’s self is the most powerful tool in the arsenal of reclaiming one’s sexuality.
Sometimes things might get a bit uncomfortable, but being comfortable all the time tends to stunt growth, and that’s what we’re after, right?
Healing from trauma and reclaiming your sexuality might not be easy, but it’s pretty simple if you’re willing to explore yourself and put in the honest work that it takes.