Want to know what May has in store for you? Ms Blah has all the astrological wisdom to help you make it through the month.

Ms Blah’s Monthly Horoscope – May

You do not come to the Horoscope for answers but to check that you are right about your idea of the future. Then you feel permanently disappointed with your predictions. If our relationship is going to be like this, I don’t want to be with you. 

Your season ends just when Mercury Retrograde starts. Very unkind of you to leave the Universe like that to the next sign. Not nice, Taurus. 

Mercury Retrograde starts in your season but don’t panic. After several confinements and restrictions in the last year, we are ready for whatever – Mercury is nothing for us. Nothing. Drink more water though, or you may die. 

The first thing you should stop doing is being against you all the time, dear Cancer. Somebody calls, you decide to ghost them. Somebody suggests something nice to do, you expect them to do all the work. Build a small cage with used chopsticks or something like that and put your evil self in there like a genie in a bottle and don’t let it out again. 

If you have no patience for dating sites, better not do them. Believe it or not, some people aren’t looking at their phones all the time. Maybe they work and have a life. A tip: having a nice and interesting conversation, providing not only information about yourself but random facts and thoughts, actually keeps people engaged. 

Spend your money on whatever you need. Sometimes you need ice cream, sometimes you need a new pair of shoes, a new monstera plant... We’re talking about serious needs here. 

Libra is not my favorite sign but I would bang you anyway. Call me. 

All your extra money this month will be dedicated to love and porn. Because paying for your porn is one of the most sublime kinds of love. Thank you. 

No planets above you this month, still what you do in the dark can be shown in the light one day, remember that. The internet deletes nothing, and so the Universe. 

You do not like your planets this month, but you know what, Capricorn? They do not care about what you do like or not because you are not the center of the Universe. 

The sentence “You can’t sit with us” was first said by an Aquarius. First to say “We don’t want to”, a Pisces. Never underestimate the power of a water sign. 

Masturbate more. Not only because it is written in the stars, but because it is precisely
what your mind and body need. Do it every day with pleasure. Sometimes slow, sometimes fast, depending on the occasion; we do not need to force anything. And enjoy. 