Ms Blah Monthly Horoscope - March
ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 19
To check how much influence the Moon has on you this month measure your height when it's a full moon and then again on dark moon. You will see you’ve shrunk a little - it’s the circle of life.
TAURUS Apr 20 - May 21
If you’re looking for a job there’s a position in the Cincinnati Furry Cats Foundation
as Cat Massage Therapist. Qualifications required are soft, clean hands and an ability to stay quiet. Long nails optional. You can apply until the end of the month. Good luck.
GEMINI May 21 - Jun 20
Only by joining your two selves together as if you were Mazinger Z will you be able to fight for peace and love in this cracked world.
CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 22
You don’t need to wait until this or that planet is in your house to do whatever you
want to do. After all, you wouldn't want to base your decisions on a cosmic rock named after a god that literally ate his own children, would you? (talking about Saturn) Believe in yourself first.
LEO Jul 23 - Aug 22
You are the most financially generous sign of the zodiac but remember, money makes
no friends. Pizza makes friends. And mojitos. Actually, mojitos build unbreakable
bonds between people.
VIRGO Aug 23 - Sep 22
Somebody with your sign will visit you from The Other World. I couldn’t see if it will be Agatha Christie, Amy Winehouse or a distant cousin of your Grandmother.
LIBRA Sep 23- Oct 22
Do not go back to that restaurant again. The waiter you didn't tip wrote your name on The List, plus they have your face in the security cams. You don’t want to know what they’d do to your food next time.
SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21
Somebody will but you won’t and then a dog will close a door or take a car. Green
clouds in the sky turn into marshmallows and burn suddenly with toilet flames. I am
no longer infected.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21
The password for your prediction is classified and confidential. Send an email with your Sagittarius ID and password. The information will be revealed to you by someone dressed in turquoise on the first Sunday of March. He’ll be waiting for you at the back door of the Council of Europe in Strasbourg. Don't be late.
CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19
You told the story of your life to a taxi driver and she is publishing it this month. It will be her fifth novel and will win her unbelievable success. She will be rich before she's fourty and you’ll die poor in a little village in Poland.
AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 18
If you’re feeling stressed at work, masturbation is a good way to relax your mind and
Body. Careful, if you do it in front of your boss or any of your workmates it could be interpreted in a very different way.
PISCES Feb 19 - March 20
When somebody gives you orders, directions, advice, or at the moment someone starts a sentence with, ‘what you should do is…’ immediately begin to talk faster and louder than the other person. Combine it with shaking your hands like a Spanish girl at the Grammys and they will leave you alone forever.