Ms Blah Monthly Horoscope - July

July 1 3 min read

ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 19

On July 5th and 4th Lunar we will be under the 4th Lunar Eclipse of the year. It will be a Penumbral Lunar eclipse similar to the one that happened in 2013 so you will experience time travel and be reminded of that terrible haircut you had that year. Learn from your mistakes.

TAURUS Apr 20 - May 21

No sign of the zodiac manipulates genitals like you. Honestly, your masturbation technique is amazing, precise, no matter size or gender. Something really admirable, impressive. A natural talent.

GEMINI May 21 - Jun 20

Ok, Gemini. I apologize for my words last month. I met someone, and she was a candid and supportive person. I believe Gemini can be nice to Pisces. But you were hurting me. Be careful, I’ll be watching your steps.

CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 22

Hello Cancer, welcome to your season. We have six planets in retrograde, including Mercury, of course. However, you still have in these two little planets called Haumea in your house, which means your world is not going to experience significant change. Except for the fact that you will shed your skin as you do every summer.

LEO Jul 23 - Aug 22

You have developed amazingly good taste in porn, congratulations. You know where to find the best scenes, you’re following the hottest profiles, and you are even paying for watching them! You’re the best. Planets love you. I love you.

VIRGO Aug 23 - Sep 22 

If summer were a zodiac sign it would be yours because you are rainbow, hot, delicious and fresh. Oh, Goddess, I think I just described a strawberry mojito. And I can’t think of anything else right now. Where’s the waiter?

LIBRA Sep 23- Oct 22

You were smart, beautiful, and useful to society until you started listening to Becky G’s songs. However, you are on time to return to the good path. I suggest the album Everything is Love by THE CARTERS. There’s only one Queen B, honey. She will help you if you show respect.

SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21

You are so sexy when you lie, really. You should implement that in your flirting but you don’t need to hurt anybody’s feelings, so just say, for example, ‘the earth is flat’, or ‘vaccines are useless’.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21

I heard you got along very well with a Gemini lately. Well, I’m not jealous, but if you need me, I’m not sure I will be available. Call your Gemini friend. Maybe they have what you need, I don’t know. Maybe I’m not enough for you, ah? Go with your pretty friend, I don’t mind.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19

We say a planet is in retrograde because, seen from earth, it goes backwards. This is an illusion. No planet is going backwards ever, according to NASA and the fundamental laws of Physics. Now that you know it you can play the pedantic Capricorn.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 18

The biggest planets in our system are entering your house, that means you are going to gain a little weight. That’s fine. You will recover your shape when they’re gone.

PISCES Feb 19 - March 20

This summer is very dangerous for Pisces people. As you know, Neptune is in your house for the whole year. It increases the risks of reversing the process that gave The Little Mermaid legs: you can develop a fishtail while swimming in the sea. Think before accepting this big change in your life and getting into the water. The seas are full of plastic debris.

Maria Blah
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