Ms Blah Monthly Horoscope - January

January 1 4 min read

ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 19

Careful with all that energy you've been saving throughout 2020. If you misuse it you could cause a disaster akin to the explosion in Akira. If you don’t already, go to the gym. A little cross-fit could be good for you. People usually get obsessed with that shit so that could be you too. Dancing is also an option.

RITUAL FOR 2021: Listen to vaporware in your spare time, but never whilst driving or using knives.

TAURUS Apr 20 - May 21

In 2020, you fought your demons and this year you will discover the bodies you left on the battle field. Some will be easy to find, perhaps even rescue, however for others it will be far too late. Their faces will slowly fade from memory until one day they will be nothing but shadows in your mind. The saddest thing is that you cared. 

RITUAL FOR 2021: Pick up your phone with one hand. Touch the screen and call your friend. 

GEMINI May 21 - Jun 20

Mercury, the planet of communication and tech, and Venus, the planet of love and beauty, both visit your house by May 2021. You are in danger of buying the next iPhone or Playstation 5. 

RITUAL FOR 2021: Make a backup of all files on your hard drives.

CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 22

All your summer plans for last year were destroyed by the pandemic and you're still mourning it. Dear Cancer, let it go, let it go. 

It’s not like music is dead forever, soon you will be dancing again, sandwiched sweating between drunk and high people. I promise you.

RITUAL FOR 2021: Wait until February 2nd. Go to your parents' and dance naked to Britney in the bathroom like it's the good old days.

LEO Jul 23 - Aug 22

People know when you are on a video call you only look at yourself. Narcissus, you are fascinated with your own image, you even match your clothes with the background of your living room.

RITUAL FOR 2021: Paint a self-portrait with edible paint and lick it clean.

VIRGO Aug 23 - Sep 22 

Dear Virgo, cups don’t need a sweater or scarf to keep warm. Furthermore, it’s confusing for your flatmates. They don’t know whether to wash them in the sink or washing machine. In Spain, we call it 'un desastre'.

RITUAL FOR 2021: Throw a muffin to the floor. Count to three, then pick it up and eat it. 

LIBRA Sep 23- Oct 22

If new music genres arrive to bless our ears in 2021 it's most likely you won't appreciate them because you have taste in music. There’s no way to fix this, honey. Spend no money on music lessons or dancing, it’s totally worthless to you.

RITUAL FOR 2021: Learn how to sing Happy Birthday.

SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21

You've been waiting for 2021 to see some changes but you're looking in the wrong direction, you should be the one that makes changes around here. Try not to lie to your friends, especially your friend Pisces. They are awaiting your call (you know how dependent they can be). Spend time with them, make them feel important.

RITUAL FOR 2021: Learn how to spell the word EMPATHY.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21

Never tell anybody where you are at. Enable the ubiquity function on your phone, set every messenger service to ghost mode. Nobody should know if you are working or on holidays. Remember nobody can find you unless you want them to.

RITUAL FOR 2021: Change the IP of your devices, dry your hair and don’t talk - they can recognize feelings in your voice.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19

On January 12th God himself will be looking at you. Don’t miss the occasion to ask what you really wanted to know: Did he direct the last Mad Max movie?

RITUAL FOR 2021: Take a bath in a tub full of money. If you are going to use some water, remember not to put notes in.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 18

The stars say that in 2021, you will experience a period of personal growth. What they don’t say, is that you will have to instate a diet to not grow too much.

RITUAL FOR 2021: Send me money. Between 2000 and 5000 euros will be fine.

PISCES Feb 19 - March 20

Dear Pisces, make a boat with all your feelings and set it adrift across the vast ocean of tears you dropped in 2020. Neptune and Saturn are by your side, one makes you sleepy and the other keeps you awake. Combine them in periods of 8 hours.

RITUAL FOR 2021: Sunbathe for five minutes a day with an apple in one hand and black paper in the other. Breathe deeply.

Maria Blah
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