Ms Blah Monthly Horoscope - December

December 2, 2020 3 min read

ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 19

It’s remarkable the talent you have for finding bargains but honestly, I don’t think you should buy outlet condoms or second-hand dildos. Your efforts to be a sustainable consumer are acknowledged however you are pointing them in the wrong direction. Try clothes, furniture, or electronic devices.

TAURUS Apr 20 - May 21

I seriously think if you were a doughnut you’d eat yourself. But, how do you resist it? You would be the kind with a glossy sugared pink coat, that one expects to be strawberry but then it’s just sugar but you don’t care. It’s already in your mouth and it’s so soft you don’t even chew it because your serotonin glandule has taken over.

GEMINI May 21 - Jun 20

There’s a difference between being rebellious and being a renegade and you usually choose the wrong moment to be one or another. So before claiming something you think you earned or complain about whatever service, take a deep breath and just let it go until you are chill. However, if you are not chill in 10-15 min - burn everything down.

CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 22

NASA says there’s an asteroid full of feelings heading to crash right into your city. Stay cover, it carries not only sad or anxious feelings, but you can also find whatever inside it: anger, fear, lust, love. Too much for you to handle.

LEO Jul 23 - Aug 22

The Moon will be in your house around December 6th and it is the only one who is visiting you this season. All planets are on the opposite side of the galaxy. You know why.

VIRGO Aug 23 - Sep 22 

I just read Virgos start kissing slowly and smoothly, then increase the pace to make people thirsty. I’m sorry for you. Seems that everybody knows your secret now.

LIBRA Sep 23- Oct 22

This is not only Capricorn season, but it’s also time t celebrate the anniversary of the one and only bad impression you gave at my parents' last family meeting. You are lucky this year we can’t get together for Christmas.

SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21

Look, I seriously doubt that a crow could be good as a pet, however, I tell you for sure that your mother would never accept it. You had a rat, a tarantula, and some strange worms that came from nowhere. Put yourself together, adopt a cat, and leave wild animals alone.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21

Venus will push Mercury out of your sign around the end of the month. You’ll feel relaxed and confident with your life, your work, and your underwear.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19

Sometimes people slowly disappear from your life, in silence, and yes, it’s because of your pushy personality, dear Capricorn. But not now. Now they can go nowhere. #bestcapriconrseasonever

AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 18

The spaceship that was coming for you had a little delay in Epsylon 3.9.0. The Captain got intoxicated by some Gagtokian liquor and spent all the budget getting drunk at Barbarella’s, the best strip club in the Solar System.

PISCES Feb 19 - March 20

If you find yourself compulsively eating ice cream, cookies, chips, milkshakes, and so on, check with your doctor but I would say you are just sad. And sugar is not a medicine for sadness, honey. A regular combination of porn and weed would make you feel so much better.

Maria Blah
« Feminist creative hard-femme. She believes in magic, astrophysics and safe sex. » All posts →