Want to know what April has in store for you? Ms Blah has all the astrological wisdom to help you make it through the month.

Ms Blah Monthly Horoscope - April

Every group of friends has a femme-phobic one. Do not judge a book by its cover, they do not necessarily look like a white cis heterosexual man. If you can’t think of anyone, maybe the femme-phobic one is you. 

I know you also learned how to make a good tomato sauce watching the music video for Daft Punk's 

. I found that if you add some Japanese shichimi and some shrimps, it tastes delicious. 

Like the identical twins, you would like 

equals. But you’re not balanced at all, dear. And the winner is not precisely your favorite… 

Blondes want to be brunettes, shorts to be tall... Many people do not like how or who they are but not a Cancer. Cancers are proud of being a water sign, of having a hard but mutable shell, and of going backward almost in every important decision. 

There is somebody from your first grade class who remembers you. Maybe you’ll find them someday – you don’t remember what you thought about them but you could be friends. 

you can swallow while giving oral sex? Underwear fibres, remnants of soap, traces of wet towels...Yes, I know that your mouth has been feeling a little dry lately. Perhaps it’s because of that. 

, just buy one and stop using your partner’s electric toothbrush while they are working. One day they’re going to know, and you are going to regret it. 

You are not a witch; you do not need a black cat for anything. Rituals read on the internet using black cats are just scams or animal torture in disguise. Cats are not magical anymore. However, if a cat is hurt in any way because of you, your soul will never rest. 

Put a turquoise in your underwear if you want to concentrate a good luck stream on your
genitals. Turquoise is the stone for joy. They have protective power and provide the inner
calm necessary to face the fear of having 

Sometimes people agree with you just to not upset or bother you. Often they go where you say just to hear your hurtful comments about the food in that restaurant. Think to yourself: are you building healthy friendships? 

A Virgo will call you to start a campaign for chemical-free oral sex. Do not miss the chance to
join this necessary cause.

Do not be alone with your mind. It is clearly harming you, making you stay in that horrible thought loop for hours. Until you can stop it on your own, ask for help, listen to some podcasts or hip-hop records where they talk beyond their means. Silence is your enemy. 