Ms Blah Monthly Horoscope - April
ARIES Mar 21 – Apr 19
Every group of friends has a femme-phobic one. Do not judge a book by its cover, they do not necessarily look like a white cis heterosexual man. If you can’t think of anyone, maybe the femme-phobic one is you.
TAURUS Apr 20 – May 21
I know you also learned how to make a good tomato sauce watching the music video for Daft Punk's Revolution 909. I found that if you add some Japanese shichimi and some shrimps, it tastes delicious.
GEMINI May 21 – Jun 20
Like the identical twins, you would like your “good side” to be the same as your “bad side”;
equals. But you’re not balanced at all, dear. And the winner is not precisely your favorite…
CANCER Jun 21 – Jul 22
Blondes want to be brunettes, shorts to be tall... Many people do not like how or who they are but not a Cancer. Cancers are proud of being a water sign, of having a hard but mutable shell, and of going backward almost in every important decision.
LEO Jul 23 – Aug 22
There is somebody from your first grade class who remembers you. Maybe you’ll find them someday – you don’t remember what you thought about them but you could be friends.
VIRGO Aug 23 – Sep 22
Have you thought about how many chemical substances you can swallow while giving oral sex? Underwear fibres, remnants of soap, traces of wet towels...Yes, I know that your mouth has been feeling a little dry lately. Perhaps it’s because of that.
LIBRA Sep 23 – Oct 22
If you want a vibrator, just buy one and stop using your partner’s electric toothbrush while they are working. One day they’re going to know, and you are going to regret it.
SCORPIO Oct 23 – Nov 21
You are not a witch; you do not need a black cat for anything. Rituals read on the internet using black cats are just scams or animal torture in disguise. Cats are not magical anymore. However, if a cat is hurt in any way because of you, your soul will never rest.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 – Dec 21
Put a turquoise in your underwear if you want to concentrate a good luck stream on your
genitals. Turquoise is the stone for joy. They have protective power and provide the inner
calm necessary to face the fear of having the most intense orgasm of your life.
CAPRICORN Dec 22 – Jan 19
Sometimes people agree with you just to not upset or bother you. Often they go where you say just to hear your hurtful comments about the food in that restaurant. Think to yourself: are you building healthy friendships?
AQUARIUS Jan 20 – Feb 18
A Virgo will call you to start a campaign for chemical-free oral sex. Do not miss the chance to
join this necessary cause.
PISCES Feb 19 – Mar 20
Do not be alone with your mind. It is clearly harming you, making you stay in that horrible thought loop for hours. Until you can stop it on your own, ask for help, listen to some podcasts or hip-hop records where they talk beyond their means. Silence is your enemy.