Ms Blah Monthly Horoscope - April
ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 19
As I told you before, Aries is my moon sign. At the beginning I didn’t accept it but, I don’t know if it’s because it’s Aries season, I’m beginning to like it. If you have some advice on how to handle this new and powerful feeling, please help. Thanks in advance.
TAURUS Apr 20 - May 21
Stop eating your feelings, your kidney is not going to stand your diet of suffering much longer. Don’t eat other’s feelings either, they are impossible to digest. And it’s not because you are allergic to lactose.
GEMINI May 21 - Jun 20
What happened to Kafka in that novel is just a story. Kafka is not even the protagonist, it is not an autobiography. So, please, stop looking for tentacles, extra eyes or little legs in your body. You are not becoming an insect just because you spent more than a week at home.
CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 22
Don’t let past traumas catch you again. Ok, yes, little Sophie stepped on your drawing on November 1997 and then your mother threw it in the bin and honestly you don’t even remember what the fuck was on that paper. Please, get over it.
LEO Jul 23 - Aug 22
No planets are coming to your house this month but don’t feel alone. You still have the moon running minimum orbit service. It’s not like Telepizza but it still keeps your heart warm.
VIRGO Aug 23 - Sep 22
Consider this month a privileged moment to worship yourself, your decisions, your way of cooking basmati rice, your catalogued collection of underwear … probably there’s going to be nobody to do it so, again, you have to do it yourself.
LIBRA Sep 23- Oct 22
It was always there, but you dismissed it. Waiting for you, but you didn’t want to see it. Now you realize you need it more than ever, that it was always was by your side, protecting you gently. You just discovered how much you need soap in your life. It’s ok, you can recover wasted time.
SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21
Just this month you are allowed to lie and hide your opinions. It will be best for you, your loved ones, your workmates, and especially for Pisces - don’t be that hard with them. Sarcasm is a very effective weapon.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21
That liquid wetting your face is tears, dear Sagittarius. I understand it is a new sensation for you. It happens sometimes when people are sad, disappointed, in pain, or really angry. They normally dry fast, so I’m afraid that you can’t keep them for long, not even in a jar to show others. Actually, other people already know what they are. Yes, you are kind of the last person to find out.
CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19
No matter how much you like your job, your workmates are not your friends. Seriously. I’m not even sure that your house is your house, your family is a real one or if you are even alive. Are you there? Anyway, you never listen.
AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 18
Have you noticed in some theatre plays when characters suddenly address the audience and the other characters don't seem to hear it? Well, it only happens at the theatre. Your flatmates consider it creepy when you do it in the living room. Because they are there, but not the audience.
PISCES Feb 19 - March 20
Stars love you because they know you always follow the rules, you are the good guy of the Zodiac, dear Pisces. Keep doing the hard work, don’t listen to people that put you in danger. Like people that don’t wash their hands before touching your genitals or that one that eats pasta with ketchup.