How To Tell Your Partner What You Want In Bed

March 27, 2019 5 min read
If you ask me, the best sex organ is the tongue, because it helps me get what I want from a lover. No, not because I love sitting on faces (though I guess it’s not not that...) but because it helps me tell her exactly what I like. It’s by far the simplest route to an optimal experience.   

It hasn’t been easy to establish this habit. There are tons of things that can make us feel tongue-tied in bed. Maybe we merely feel shy. Maybe we fear a partner will judge our predilections. Sometimes we ourselves don’t know what we want, and struggle mightily to explain it. 

Regardless, communication is absolutely essential for great sex. Talking about your needs in the heat of the moment can feel like a lot of pressure, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Here are some ideas for exchanging ideas before, during, and after the deed:




Sexting is just the best. It’s a multimedia endeavour that builds anticipation, is incredibly straightforward, and may be more comfortable than voicing the same desires. Whether it’s a digital exchange or an analog one (what could be hotter than discovering a handwritten note from a partner telling me what he wants to do to me? Swoon!) there’s much potential here.


But before you hit send, you may want to chat first about the type of language you each like to use for things like sex acts and body parts. This can really come in handy by increasing clarity, affirming someone’s gender, or simply showing that you listen to and care about your partner’s needs. It’s a small gesture that can go a long way.


Once you’ve got the lingo, jot down a “to-do” list of all the fun things you’d like to try that night, or visit your local sex toy shop together for inspiration and/or a sweet little splurge. Don’t forget to check out my etiquette guide before you go!




Have you and your partner ever watched each other masturbate? I couldn’t recommend this more highly. In addition to both of you getting a great show, it’s a perfect opportunity to study firsthand what types of touch pleases your partner. If you can manage to keep your hands to yourself, that is.


Giving your partner specific instructions may feel a little mechanical (“Touch me like this for ten minutes and then grab the strap, babe!”) or perhaps just unrealistic in the throes of passion. Try tossing out a few -er words like “slower” or “harder” while they’re doing something that’s working, because they are clear and easy to follow. Affirming phrases such as “just like that!” are so satisfying to hear when you’re in a giving role, so it’s a total win-win.         




Once everyone’s caught their breath, consider a post-game review. You can talk about your favorite moments while they’re still fresh in your mind. What do you each want to do more of? Less of? If you’re bold enough to record a scene, you can even have this conversation over the footage.


This is also a great moment to check in about aftercare, especially after a particularly intense or kinky session. Do you want your partner to hold you? Maybe you need a glass of water or a bit of fresh air? Is silence what will help you readjust to reality? Speak on that. The encounter doesn’t necessarily end exactly when the sex does.


There is this unfortunate myth that talking about what you want “kills the mystery” and leads to boring sex. But for me, there’s nothing sexier than telling my partner what makes me feel good and then having them do it. It really can be that simple.



Aria Vega
« Aria is a freelance sex educator and writer who wants everyone to know they're entitled to pleasure. On her blog, Your Heavenly Body, she reviews sex toys and writes about sexuality, bodies, and trauma. She loves thrift shops, tall trees, and long phone chats. She's a very typical Taurus. » All posts →