Dirty Dork

September 16 5 min read

There is something about someone who is so enigmatic you have no idea what they're thinking. Often smart, unassuming and found staring into space or a book. I've realized the ones that seem most prudish, restrained, sheltered or coveted, in any way, shape, or form, are the dirtiest. 


Sometimes you can tell by their sign. Virgo types are known to be dirty, and definitely dorky, to an extent. And that ‘extent’ is based on how much they will allow you to see. There are many analogies about the church, confessionals, and being an overall ‘good’ human being. Behind closed doors though, they will show you something else. Scorpio’s have a pretty long dirty rap sheet, in my experience, but are often too serious to unleash the dork…until they are completely comfortable. There are some Scorpions with a lot that allow you to see their goofy side, usually, they don't even realize it until you point it out (raising hand)… BUT while the stars might be able to predict many things, I most like it when you surprise me.


art by ggggrimes


Shock me with your filthy behaviors. 


(i.e.) Send me a nasty picture exhibiting your long tongue while brushing your teeth. Show me the wetness between your fingers from listening to a Radiolab podcast, or even better, a video of you masturbating in socks and a t-shirt while eating cereal. I want to see what you like, and how you like it. Don’t put on any airs for me, show me those weird ideas you thought nobody would find sexy. 


I, too, find things sexy other people wouldn't understand. Everyone talks about toes, for example, but what about other body parts like knees, and elbows? They are really good for rimming. Many times I've been kneed to the point my vaginal walls opened to the prospect of a full knee cap filling their circumference. I also like the inner knee and elbows licked and kissed. People rarely understand this version of fucking and eating. When you can do both at once, you get closer to reaching my tender Rony status. 



Yes, I did use the term ‘Rony.’ 


Romance can be cute and sweet, but when a Dirty Dork knows how to dirty talk, just wow.


• Tell me you want to fork me while we eat dinner, as you stab and chew your food. 

• Give me a book to read, then bend me over and spank me for pronouncing a word wrong. 

• Read me a recipe from The Joy of Cooking as if it were The Joy of Sex

• Take me to a TED Talk, then fuck me in the bathroom while we debrief. 

• Stand behind me in line at the store and keep ‘accidentally’ bouncing into my ass as you ask if I got the ingredients for a meal we never talked about cooking. 

• Take an online course and masturbate with one hand while on Zoom, holding a pen to your chin as if you are contemplating your next question. 

• Study me for the same hour every day, and at the end of the week, share your notes.


Whatever it is, be smart about it. Spark my curiosity enough to make me do my research on how I can best please you. Give me extra credit when I show you something new and extraordinary. Use thrilling words like ‘correct’ and ‘absolutely’; like ‘coalesce’, ‘plethora’, ‘cornucopia’ and ‘onomatopoeia.’ Educate me. Be snarky about terminology and its correct usage. That gets me. I want to hear your unbridled vocabulary litter the sentences you whisper while drawing on me with a Sharpie. 



Talking about Sharpies, there are other dorky objects you can use to stimulate, such as drawing on skin with an eraser - yes, the gummy kind. It’s weird, but with the right pressure, it can be soothing. Write “horny” on a post-it and apply it to whichever part of your body needs attention. What would really titillate me is to receive a Keynote Presentation from you on the myriad and strange ways you would like to play with me (I like graphics). If you want extra credit, send me a short Youtube video on things that make you cum. 


Being a Sci-Fi nerd, conspiracies and futuristic fucking really makes me hard. I grew up on Star Trek so you can totally take me into your Deep Space 9 or invite me aboard your Voyager. Alternate realities bring out eccentric ways of being that take us out of this typical, repressed, dimension. If you aren’t so into space fantasy, show me a documentary about the cosmos and then fuck me into outer space..make my meteor explode. When somebody pulls me into their world of knowledge and enlightened perspectives, this swirls me until I cream like a milky way. 



Be a smart ass. Express yourself in dry, sarcastic humour to get me lubricated. Words lead to feelings, and these feelings, lead to a response that is inspired by what I’ve been told. What is your strangest fantasy? What makes you want to do something out of the ordinary? Think about it, and then ask for permission to do it. 


The Dorky part is that the word choice and statements are not ‘cool’ in the least. I mean if anyone else said it, I'd either laugh or ignore them. But because you are sexy, and have a way about you, the way YOU say it makes me drip. 


There are so many movies (especially from the ’80s) about dorky people becoming cool - I like it the other way around. When people who seem cool in public, are really dorks at home. I love to see how someone looks with bedhead, in glasses and comfy, unmatched clothes. It's even better if they put on things like face masks and retainers. I think it is hot to see people in their natural elemental state. Get as dorky, as possible and then lay on the couch with your legs cocked open, ready for me to pounce on you while you are trying to read The Economist. 


That’s what works for me.


NSFW (not suitable for class)
https://soundcloud.com/zroyale/nsfc-not-suitable-for-class

Ze Royale
« Ze is a writer, performance artist, sexual anarchist whose philosophy of subjectivity and individualism are themes in all of their work. Ze performs in the music duo Zoid^, is featured in the post porn sci-fi series, Neurosex Pornoia 2 and 3, and wrote a novel, Appetite. » All posts →