Connect. Disconnect. Reconnect.

April 20, 2018 7 min read

When I connect to a lover it is like an electric shock. It's an intense feeling coming from my gut. It's not cerebral. I know that it's there despite what my mind says and thus, I know it is real. I can't even talk to it, even when I say 'no' it pulls me forward like a magnet, and I have to assess whether the reason why I am afraid is superficial. Am I blocking myself from a good connection? And what is the reason why I don't want to do it, is it wrong for me? My intuition is stronger than my mind, and I am starting to feel it more as I evolve. I am learning to trust it.

But what does this mean, to connect? It's funny, I really like to be social, but a true romantic/sexual connection is rare. Even after years, and years, maybe even past lives, I sense these stronger connections. I haven't always been ready for it (as they normally come as a surprise) but I can recall them. Those moments where I am thrown off, not able to think, there is no logic nor rational sensibility, I just can't help it. That urge to pounce on them, and go deeper than my words can allow. But I try to control my reaction until I know that it is right. What is 'right' anyway? Is it what society wants? your family? somebody else besides you? Always important to deter.

© Ze Royale

What fascinates me is how you can connect to someone strongly without necessarily understanding why. It's just there. Then there is the way you connect. Is it intellectual, sexual, spiritual, or just purely casual and superficial? Can you tell the difference? Connections can change, but a homie, lover, friend would be ideal. I want to hang- out, have good conversations, fuck (make-love also;)), but not expect the person to provide my every need (I have great emotional and spiritual connections with friends). I like independence and to stand next to someone in parallel. I want us to connect despite our differences, and also because of them.

It's hard to connect in a monogamous society; one where everyone needs to 'claim' something, and someone. The pressure to be together 'forever' is already too anxiety provoking for me. How do we know that? I prefer to be able to just talk about what I am thinking and not have to succumb to someone's judgement. Now that, is sexy. But everyone judges, everyone is insecure at times and everyone needs to know the deal when it comes to their role in someone's life.

On a romantic front, I am a sucker for love. I like to feel the purity, the desire, the energy from a distance, the after-thought. But when I don't, I realize that this was a short connection and I just accept it for what it is. Or maybe it will return when I least expect it. I remain open.

© Ze Royale

Longer ones come with time, but I no longer idealize them since my experience being married. It was so disappointing to learn that the article I read in social work school about Lesbian Bed Death (LBD) fit my relationship to a T. This is when I truly understood the term 'homo-normative'. Yes, it was nice to have dinner together and watch our favorite series for a bit...but the obligation took over the passion and I found myself feeling like a trophy, expected to stay at home, have the baby, smile and nod at her co-workers etc. And hey, we are all influenced by our past experiences... but I am ashamed to say that I tried being typical. How naive I was for those ten years we were together, allowing her to make me feel like my creativity, my need for newness, and my high sex drive were just 'too intense'. How is that an insult?

I now know when I have hit my ceiling. When someone starts being needy, not themselves, trying to blend into a life that is not their own, I lose attraction. That person is no longer who I met. Some become an emotional mess and don't have friends to talk to about it because they stopped nurturing those other important relationships, and started relying on me. 

Empathically, I remember times when I was like that, so I tried giving more space in hopes the excitement would come back with 'missing', but that was not the case. Instead of seeing it as a loving act, they felt threatened. They didn't want me to leave their territory and would even go as far as blocking the door, trying to take away my freedom.

This is MY experience, but it truly has made me disconnect for fear that I am unhealthy for them. I don't want to possess or change anyone, yet, I do feel misunderstood when I stop. It's not because I am disinterested, it's because I want to stay interested, and don't want us to take each other for granted.
For instance, if someone is in my bed every day (or I am in their bed) then a routine sets in. 

Eating, fucking, sleeping in bed only lasts so long before it becomes Netflix and chill with the dog/cat. It's not that I don't want these cosy moments to occur (they are also important) but ALL of the time? How do we get back to being sexy after we become a pillow or a blanket queen. Or what about when it get's cold, the 'sleeping together' era where you might as well each have a twin bed. 

Some people realize this early on and even maintain separate rooms in the same house. This way, they need to 'invite' each other into bed, and not just 'expect' them to be there. And what if the sexual relationship changes and one person(s) wants something different?

I definitely have my phases of being soft and hard. Some lovers bring out the yin and others the yang in me. I like to explore both. Sometimes I enjoy being dominant but I also like to be a victim at times when I truly trust a partner, and we have that kind of connection. I am also not closed to changing our relationship structure to meet our needs, if we can love each other through it. 

Something that most people don't get, is that I think that it is sexy to see a partner have sex with someone else when all is consensual. It is so much better than watching a pornographic film, so real, so primal. And I get to research what they like in third person. This makes me inspired and I try new things that I can tell they enjoy. It's also OK to see that they have a 'specific' connection with someone else that is purely about them. 

This doesn't threaten our connection. But when a lover is putting on their 'closed' sign, this changes things for me. I feel as if there is nothing new I can look for, there is a glass door and I am afraid to break it and I don't even enjoy window shopping. If something draws me in, I want to go inside, if not, I keep walking.

And it's not because I don't remember the reason why I connected. I connect beyond the ego so narcissism turns me off immediately. However, there are times that I see past the ego and still allow myself to remain open to the individual. Once we connect physically, I learn even more because I feel them, and also have the ability to witness them in their most vulnerable, euphoric position and vice versa.

I was severely disappointed in some of these cases though, to the point where I felt as if they stabbed me with a sharp knife, and turned it around to try and gauge out my heart. This made me cold and completely the opposite of who they met. It was time for me to cut the chord. I am not the one to beg or chase. It has always stuck with me to let 'bygones be bygones' and if we have another connection that is not physical, I allow that one to evolve.

And why can't we change our connection instead of dissolving it? Maybe there is a way that we can have different types of connectivity. Do we need to completely walk away from a relationship based on the 'idea' of the perfect relationship, instead of creating one that caters to our situation?

© Ze Royale

It's always hard staying friends with X lovers, but sometimes, when I least expect it, I run into someone again and we talk. We have both evolved and discovered new parts of ourselves, sometimes in other relationships. This was how we truly realized each others importance; that what we had was special. And that there is no reason to doubt or repress these true feelings despite our individual situations. Who cares if you are also connecting with another person if you know that this connection still exists. Just the thought of it may be enough. It is empowering, and beyond you, a relief. The longer the connection lingers and increases in depth, the more I am open.

Ze Royale
« Ze is a writer, performance artist, sexual anarchist whose philosophy of subjectivity and individualism are themes in all of their work. Ze performs in the music duo Zoid^, is featured in the post porn sci-fi series, Neurosex Pornoia 2 and 3, and wrote a novel, Appetite. » All posts →