Being My Own Dom: yes, I collared myself.

May 6 4 min read

Submission has always been my entry point to the BDSM scene. Socially, I can be quite dominant. Sexually though, I get pleasure being dominated by others - it’s a rush to hand over control to a trusted dom. My favourite way to channel submission is collaring: being adorned with a collar not only makes me feel sexy, valued and desired - it helps me project these emotions outward, making them visible to the world. 

But there isn’t anybody in my life right now I would trust with the power of collaring me. I’m almost exclusively attracted to men, and filling the position of dom requires me to overcome fears, traumas and insecurities. The pool gets shallow since not everybody holds the knowledge to dominate safely, without harm. There are plenty of enthusiasts but essential BDSM skills like aftercare, negotiating boundaries and consent are often lacking.  

So I decided to collar myself.

Self-collaring can be as subtle as donning a tight necklace or as I prefer: a leather choker, metal chain and padlock. Yes, it’s mainly around the house but I’ve started doing it in public more and more. When I’m collared I draw comfort and strength in my identity as a sub. It reminds me to listen to my own needs and desires first and certainly before handing over control. After encountering so many bad, unethical doms, self-collaring puts the power back in my hands, away from toxicity and towards self-determination.

Since queer identities and forms of expression often get policed in public, I find great power in displaying items that will be read as queer. As someone seen as male, brandishing a collar fucks with the notion that male figures are dominant and aggressive. I can bring softness, faggotry and submission to an otherwise ordinary look. Don’t get me wrong, displaying queerness in public is often daunting and even terrifying. When people catch sight of my trusty collar it usually goes one of three ways: some don’t care, some think it’s cute, and the rest can probably tell I enjoy submission and are too ashamed to admit they do too. I enjoy them all. 

The tragic shortage of trusty doms has ultimately been a positive. I’ve carved out my own space for needs, identity, and expression AND showcased my kink and queerness to the world! As a submissive, my power lies in deciding to submit to others and myself, not from someone dominating me at will. I’m sure that in time the good doms will return to the ocean of sexy queers. Until then, I’ll be collaring myself: being my own dom. 

Doug AG
« Doug is an educator currently based between Barcelona and Berlin. They are interested in topics of gender, kink, justice, migration, and sexuality. Through their work, Doug aims to highlight their lived experience as a fat, femme, queer migrant of colour and all the implications this has with other areas of interest. » All posts →