How are the stars may be blessing – or cursing – you this season? Read on for your sex and relationships summer horoscopes.

Maria Blah writes a special superlative astrological forecast

Your Superlative Summer According to the Zodiac written by Mariah Blah

Your Superlative Summer — According to the Zodiac

Let’s start with the obvious: summer is not the season for tattooing, piercing, or doing any plastic surgery. Summer is for meeting people, casual sex and threesomes. Summer is for superlatives: best, most, wildest, weirdest – and the stars agree! They don’t care who you have sex with or where, they just recommend plenty of water, AC (if possible), and always checking the expiry date on your condoms. Will you be cumming up short this season or will this be your hottest summer yet? Here’s what the cosmos reveals…

If you’re in a relationship, that one day will be of pure lust. Before and after, you’ll enjoy your usual rhythm of sex every other Saturday.

If you’re in a relationship, oh my! Your intimate moments will be as passionate as at the beginning of your engagement. Get ready for toys, sex in public spaces, and all those things you had on the list of ‘Things I Want to do Before I Get Older and I Don't Give a Fuck of Anymore’.

If you’re in a relationship, well, it’ll be the same but less fun.

If you are in a relationship, you will find this confidence in the love you share with your partner(s), feeling totally sure that you are loved and that they care about you.

If you are in a relationship, probably your partner already has had a talk with you about this. Your problem is different and can't be worked out until the end of the summer. You'll have to wait for my Autumnal Special. Let the stars work in silence.

If you are in a relationship, consider doing it together as a couple. In both cases: check and double-check that you can choose your clients and that your boundaries are respected. And don’t forget, sex work is still real work.

 Join forces with Cancer this summer, as you are blessed too with major confidence. If you don’t know any, they’re easy to recognize: they have a blue aura all around, only the armpits are yellow. Don’t confuse it with Pisces’ aura though: it’s also blue but the armpits are orange. Pisces is not a good sign for you, even in summer.

If you are in a relationship, this major confidence will lead you to be the chosen one to decide where are you going on holiday. This happens once every 50 years when Mars aligns with Krypton. The best destination – if you don’t have kids – would be any place where there are not many things to visit or do. Boredom leads to drinking, drinking leads to dancing, and – sometimes – dancing leads to sex so, there you are!

If you’re in a relationship, you will fall in love with you, yourself, and yourself only for three months. This could make your partner look for love elsewhere. If you’re monogamous, that could suck. If not, it’ll be a total relief, actually. Nothing like being selfish in peace.

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If you already are in a relationship with hardcore (let’s be honest, hardcore is your boyfriend), you’ll slow down, progressively. One day you will not need three vibrators, each aimed at a different bit of your body to cum, and you’ll know that something is changing. By the end of the summer, you may be able to have orgasms just making love.

If you’re in a relationship, it will become more formalised, meeting each other’s families and so on. As you see it, that could be the worst holiday ever… unless they have a swimming pool or the house is by the beach. You can have long walks after dinner, find some quiet dark place under the moon and show your lover there’s no place in the world you’d rather be but in their arms, no matter who's around.

 Love will be with you. Love will call you in the dark. Love will hold hands with you this summer. Love will never give you up, never let you down. Love is never going to run around and desert you. Because you 

 love – unless you’re crossing paths with Taurus, Virgo, or Capricorn, when you become pure hate.

If you are in a relationship with one of those signs, now you know why your emotional life is so complicated. Do yourself a favor and break up immediately, pass the time of mourning as soon as possible, and start feeling the pure love the Universe is sending to all Aquarius before the end of the summer.

If you’re in a relationship, feeling safe and loved, prepare yourself for the very best orgasm you’ve ever experienced. The best week to try it, maybe for the next few centuries, will be after the eclipse with Melmac at the end of July. Don't miss it!