Not wanting sex “enough”? Wanting sex “too much”? Ella Dorval Hall just wants to be left alone by compulsory sexuality.

Social definitions of not wanting enough sex or wanting too much sex are preventing us from focusing on the pleasure and intimacy we do enjoy – not focusing on “fixing” my libido has made me feel better about myself and my sex life.

Compulsory Sexuality and Why I’m No Longer Trying to Fix My Libido by Ella Dorval Hall

Why I'm No Longer Trying To “Fix” My Libido

I’ve always had this looming feeling that I don’t desire sex enough. That I should want sex more often, desire it more spontaneously or easily, and that it shouldn’t take so much work to get turned on.

The extent to which I’ve felt this has changed throughout my life. There are periods where my desire has been more fiery and present, and during these times, that feeling sort of disappears. However, at other times, where I’ve desired sex very little or not at all, I’ve felt quite broken.

Take, for example, about a year-and-a-half ago. I had knee surgery that left me pretty socially isolated, unable to work and do a lot of activities I enjoy, and in pain. I wasn’t interested in sex for a few months. While I knew this was completely normal and natural — illness and major life changes are a huge factor in sexual desire — there was still a part of me that felt like I was somehow broken or there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want to have sex.

… there was still a part of me that felt like I was somehow broken or there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want to have sex.

To be completely honest though, not having sex was not the hard part for me. It was the layer of self-criticism and comparison to my partner’s libido and the arbitrary expectation of what our culture has told me is the “normal” and “right” amount to desire sex that was hard for me.

Compulsory Sexuality and the Duty to Desire

What I was struggling with but didn’t fully understand at the time was 

. “Compulsory sexuality is the idea that sex is universally desired as a feature of human nature, that we are essentially obligated to participate in sex at some point in life, and that there is something fundamentally wrong with anyone who does not want it,” Sherronda J. Brown writes in their book 

Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens On Our Sex-Obsessed Culture

Brown goes on to say, “[Compulsory sexuality] fosters the sense that we are each duty-bound to consistently engage in a certain arbitrary amount of sexual activity.”

Jaw-drop. Sherronda Brown just put words to everything I did not fully understand I was feeling. Brown talks extensively in their book about the wide cultural impact of compulsory sexuality, particularly its impact on how we view asexuality, gender, and race. POV co-editor and contributor Aria Vega also interviewed Brown in 

, and it was one of the best podcasts I’ve listened to in a while.

While my personal struggle has revolved around feeling like I don’t desire sex “enough”, there are people on the other end of the spectrum who feel they desire sex “too much”. Many of these people also embark on an endeavor to “fix” their libido by attempting to control and restrict how much they masturbate, watch porn, or have sex. While my experience has been quite the opposite, I deeply relate to the feeling that the way your body functions (and the things it wants) is wrong and needs to be changed, fixed, or controlled.

For people who feel as though they desire sex “too much,” these views have been largely shaped by the pathologizing of sexual desire and the inaccurate invention of sex and porn “addiction”. Both desiring sex “too little” and desiring sex “too much” are often viewed as disorders and problems that need to be fixed, even within the medical and psychological fields.

While I have no longer found it useful to try to “boost” my libido, I am not necessarily saying that if you’re experiencing low desire, you shouldn’t consider what might be contributing to that. A decrease in sexual desire can point to other challenges in your life. Or if, for example, having sex is an important way of expressing yourself and connecting with your partners or lovers, a decrease in desire can be very challenging.

 trying to fix my libido has opened up so much space in my life. For one, it feels great not to be so judgmental of myself and no longer try to constantly figure out what’s “wrong” with me. It’s also led me to focus much more on just experiencing types of pleasure and intimacy that right now I do truly enjoy. As a result, I have felt far more connected to my partner, myself, and enjoyed the sex we do have much more.

 trying to fix my libido has opened up so much space in my life... It’s also led me to focus much more on just experiencing types of pleasure and intimacy that right now I do truly enjoy.

Sex researcher Dr Emily Nagoski wrote an 

 that has been hitting me hard lately. She writes, “Wanting sex is not the central feature of sexual wellbeing. The central feature of sexual wellbeing is: Liking the sex you have.” This is, of course, assuming that you want to have sex at all in the first place, though this idea has been extremely helpful for me. Instead of trying to “fix” my libido, or pay attention at all to how often I want to have sex, I’ve been focusing instead on how pleasurable and enjoyable the intimacy and sex I am engaging in is, and it has made sex and intimacy so, so much better.

If you’re struggling with feeling like you don’t want sex “enough” or “too much,” you, my friend, are definitely not alone. Our culture is infested with toxic messaging about how much sex is the “right” amount, and this can take a serious toll on our mental health and how we view ourselves. Remember, there is no such thing as “too little” or “too much” sex.