As someone who visibly practices BDSM as part of my lifestyle, almost 24/7, I often get questions like "Why do you do it?" or "What does it add you your relationship?" My answer always revolves around the same concept – the emotional connection it gives me and my partner.

WHY I LOVE BDSM

When many people think of BDSM (a catch-all acronym that stands for Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism), the first things that come to mind are often things like whips and chains, pain, sexual excitement, or even extremism. People rarely think of the other facet of these activities – the emotional connection. Things like trust, love, emotional release, connection, and ecstatic experiences are often just as present in BDSM activities as the pain and sexual pleasure.

In my current full-time dynamic with my pet, Miro, BDSM has taken our relationship to emotional depths we would have never reached without it. I am his Master and Owner, which means he is at my service most of the time, and I make all final decisions (not without his input) regarding daily activities and what we do sexually. This type of dynamic requires an enormous amount of trust – he must trust me to take care of him and make the right decisions, and I must trust him to be 100% open and honest with me. Because of this, I trust Miro more than I have trusted any of my past long-term vanilla partners.

This trust enables us to reach amazing emotional heights and depths together. One of the most intense examples of this is the intense pain play that we engage in, usually with me as the giver and Miro as the receiver. Giving him pain is such an intense exchange of energy that there is room in my mind for little else. It becomes a purifying and connecting act, as everything else falls away and we are completely focused on each other and the sensations. His helplessness and vulnerability expose him in a way that enables us to connect even deeper. The power I feel from giving him such intense pain is always rooted in intense love and care for him, as well as gratitude that he is giving himself to me so fully.

Coming down from intense scenes like this usually involves "aftercare," a term used in the kink community to describe acts of emotional support and physical connection that help us return to "normal" reality. This is important because BDSM scenes often take us deep into emotional extremes, and leaving those headspaces suddenly or without support can cause an emotional crash. For me, it is also an important bonding experience with Miro. From cuddling and watching a favourite show, to going out and getting some good food, I always feel open, connected, and inthe moment.

Because Miro and I stay in our dynamic nearly 24/7, all these feelings are present often, just in smaller ways. From the care I feel for him when I am stroking his hair, to the service and love he feels for me when he is making me breakfast, to the sense of deep belonging we feel with each other when we are fully in our BDSM roles, our dynamic has become a very fulfilling and important part of our relationship. The whips and chains that are so frequently associated with BDSM are merely a tool for us to deepen our relationship and reach emotional bliss.