How my girlfriend and I tried to figure out where our herpes came from… and why we gave up.

With misinformation about herpes and STIs rife, trying to figure out where my girlfriend and I got herpes was more painful than the herpes itself.


The Truth About Trying To Figure Out Where My Herpes Came From – Ask Herpe

Whodunnit: A Who-Gave-Who-Herpes Mystery

 is the lack of clear information available.

For us, it went like this. My partner and I had been exclusively sleeping together for two months. I woke one morning with a painful blister on my penis and said we should stop having sex until I got checked. I did, the doctor told me it was herpes, I told my partner. A week later, she had her first breakout, and the game was on.

We did some research—and by that, of course I mean we turned to Google. First, we checked to see how long it takes for herpes to show after infection and were told between two and 12 days. So, that means one of us must’ve given it to the other recently. Right?

Wrong. Because once you scroll on, or open up an article, you’ll find that two to 12 days is the “average” but herpes can stay in your system without causing symptoms for years.

We’d both slept with two people without protection from the time of our last STI test and starting our relationship. Since I was the one with the initial infection, my partner assumed she gave it to me. Since both of the people I’d slept with were strangers, I assumed I’d gotten it from them and given it to her.

We were both torn up about it, assuming we each condemned the other to a life of 

 while at the same time hoping our relationship would last forever and it wouldn’t matter anyway. So far, so good.

“We were both torn up about it, assuming we each condemned the other to a life of telling new partners about their herpes…”

We might’ve agreed to drop it there, but my partner had a trump card. Several months earlier, she’d 

 and was told she had chlamydia. At the time, the doctor told her that her blood sample came back positive for herpes. The doctor asked if she had cold sores, my partner said yes, and the doctor told her that it’s no problem then.

So, my partner was sure that she’d given it to me from her oral herpes, since, yeah, we do mouth stuff. But that’s not as common. So, then we starting looking into the HSV-1 and HSV-2 thing and, oh hell…

I called my doctor to ask if what I’d been diagnosed with was HSV-1 or HSV-2 and they said, “Well, it’s on your genitals, so it’s HSV-2.” I asked if the test showed which it was, and they read my chart and told me, “No,” then repeated, “But it is on your genitals, so...”

We gave up. The information felt so contradictory, underexplained, and like nobody could directly about it.

We were ‘lucky’ enough, in this investigative mode, to fully blame ourselves. That’s not often the case. When it comes to herpes, most of the time, people are looking for reasons to blame someone else – and there’s enough misinformation out there to cook up any story to fit your narrative. Doctors are vague and tip-toe around the issue. Internet articles are stuffed with contradictions and sales funnels to get you to order discreet medications. Forums are riddled with horror stories. The blame game always, 

When it comes to herpes… people are looking for reasons to blame someone else – and there’s enough misinformation out there to cook up any story to fit your narrative.

My partner and I took solace in knowing a great many people have herpes. Since our first herpes outbreak, neither of us have had another. We’ve even started discussing it openly with some friends who, at first, always look at us like we’re crazy, then slowly start to understand that it isn’t a big deal. Because if you don’t have it, why would you go through the trouble of learning just how many people have it but don’t know, and just how little it impacts your life 

The reason for that is clear. It’s the same reason it was so difficult for my partner and I to figure out who gave what to who: a severe lack of clear information served by people walking on eggshells – none of which will address those hurt people looking for someone to blame.