“If I show you my darkest side, will you still want me?” By Pimenta Cítrica

Whipping Me Softly: How BDSM is a Bid for Connection

When we think about BDSM, the tendency is to think hardcore, latex, whips and chains. We think spanking, dominance, and no emotions. But the reality of kink is very different, and while some of those elements can be key details in a BDSM scene, the real appeal of impact play is a bid for mutual connection and trust.

BDSM is a broad and vast universe; and impact play is just one of the practices it encompasses. However, the dominant/submissive dynamic is one of the most important ones, and also something that generates a lot of curiosity. 

Usually, there is a dichotomy in the way we think about D/s relationships.On one side we have ‘vanilla’ sex, which is perceived to be romantic, caring, and emotional. On the other side, kinky sex is thought of as experimental, promiscuous, and carefree.

However, when we get into the dynamic of BDSM relationships, we see these superficial beliefs have no anchor in reality. To practice ethical BDSM, there has to be a great understanding of boundaries, of aftercare, and mutual trust. There is a lot more emotional connection that stems from this than one might initially think.

The types of kink and their psychological roots

Sexual fantasies are common to most of us. A survey found at least 80% of adults have at least one sexual fantasy, and their specifics change from time to time, place to place, age group to age group, and so forth. 

For instance, one of the most common kinks there is is the desire to have sex with more than one person. This speaks deeply to our need for feeling desired and wanted – the more people are attracted to us and want to bed us, the more turned on we feel. At least, this is how the human brain perceives it.

When it comes to having sex in public, trying a new outfit, doing a little roleplay, the novelty is the attraction. The idea of doing something we have never tried before pulls the strings in our minds and makes the situations sexy.

But when it comes to dominance and submissiveness, the real attraction is 

For the layman, impact play and relaxation might seem like an odd pairing. However, the chemistry in the brain explains a lot about why these dynamics can be so attractive. Studies found that neurochemicals in the brain can work in a way to release and disconnect the body from the stress; leaving bottoms to feel present, peaceful, and even like they’re floating.

Additionally, for survivors of sexual abuse, BDSM can be a very helpful tool for healing. In recreating violent sexual scenarios where the victim gains back control, they have a chance to work through the trauma, and relearn brain response to this kind of stimulus. It is a way to give back agency after truly disempowering experiences.

The theme of control is crucial to D/s dynamics. Not only in terms of giving up control (for submissives), or exerting control over others (for dominants), but also in the negotiations necessary for the play to happen. BDSM lovers usually say that in the end submissives have all the control, because they are the ones with the power to stop everything by uttering a safe word.They are also ultimately in control of what can be done and what the boundaries are.

For sex writer and BDSM aficionado, Ena Dahl, the experience of kink can be liberating from the image of the strong, controlled woman she feels she needs to maintain in everyday life. A self-described controlling person, she finds freedom in letting go of that need to always call the shots in a safe environment.

“If I show you my darkest side, will you still want me?”

You don’t need to practice kink to understand the importance of this question. We all yearn to be accepted for all that we are and this is key part of D/s sex.

Whipping, flogging, pet play, ropes… While considered ‘perverted’ or ‘deviant’ for many, in ethical BDSM something only happens if both parties are willing and consenting. Which means BDSM sex requires a level of communication and mutual understanding not everyone has – even in long term, loving relationships.

For BDSM lovers, the understanding that trust is the basis of everything seems to be clear. Ena says, “Without trust, a BDSM exchange or relationship cannot exist in the first place. Trust is your foundation. When you have it, you can create amazing things and experiences together. Without it, you're doomed from the start.”

Similarly to trusting someone enough to fall back and let them catch you, the whole practice of D/s dynamics is an exercise in trust. However, this trust does not come unearned. Steven Reed, an experienced Daddy Dom and pony trainer, reminds us that this trust is built from mechanisms put in place to grant a safer experience for everyone involved. “Trust is something to be earned and granted carefully over time. Premature or misplaced trust can dangerously lead us into harm’s way. Like the practices of vetting, negotiation, and safe words, earning mutual trust is also not enough on its own to protect players from harm.”

In a nutshell, trust is fundamental part of D/s experiences, and can be liberating and freeing for everyone involved. However, it comes with active work from all parts. 

The push and pull between opening up and maintaining control is not exclusive to kinky spaces. This is a paradox that faces us in our everyday lives – especially during a time when we are overwhelmed with different emotions but must remain stoic and contained.

In D/s practices, this all comes together – in experiences that can be cathartic. In this sense, BDSM is, ultimately, a bid for connection. A search for opening up, being accepted, and feeling understood. For Ena, kink has not only impacted her romantic relationships, but also those outside the bedroom, and most importantly, with herself. “I often say that BDSM has given me an honorary PhD in communication. This has bettered all of my relationships, whether they be with romantic partners and lovers or with friends and family, as well as work-related relationships. Kink and BDSM have made me more confident and safer in myself; it has helped me see how strong I am and at the same time allowed me to let go and be soft and vulnerable.”

Furthermore, the kinky community also holds space for acceptance free of judgement. So the understanding and empathy needed in the bedroom is a reflection of how this community treats itself. As Steven recounts, “In coming out of the closet and into the kink community, I have discovered which of my friends and which of my family members are safe to be myself around, and which ones struggle to accept me. I have increasingly been choosing to prioritize the relationships that don't require me to erase myself.”

The idea that BDSM is vile and perverted stems from ignorance – in the sense of ignoring what really goes on inside the kinky community. Being involved in kink – and even hardcore impact play – is a lot more about connection, about being vulnerable, about knowing oneself and about mutual trust.