So, you’re in a new relationship and you’re not sure if you should tell your partner that you watch porn. Or perhaps you’ve been with them for years and you’re just not sure how to broach the topic. Either way, the burden of hiding that you watch porn may feel overwhelming, shameful, embarrassing, or anxiety provoking.
For many, secretly watching porn can be… complicated. Masturbating to porn might feel both really good and shameful at the same time. You might be nervous to tell your partner because you’re worried it will hurt their feelings. Not just that, many people navigate the impossible contradiction that when you’re single, watching porn is for lonely people, yet once you’re in a relationship, it’s unacceptable or inappropriate.
Many people navigate the impossible contradiction that when you’re single, watching porn is for lonely people, yet once you’re in a relationship, it’s unacceptable or inappropriate.
I personally have hesitated to tell my partner that I watch porn during periods in my life where I wasn’t all that interested in partnered sex but I enjoyed watching porn and masturbating. I was worried that if my partner knew I was watching porn, but not having sex with them as often as they’d ideally like, that they would feel rejected.
All to say, porn can bring up challenging emotions and there are many reasons you may not want to tell your partner you watch porn. If you’re secretly watching porn, and you’re not sure whether or not to tell your partner, I’ve got you covered.
How To Tell Your Partner You Watch Porn
Pinpoint what’s holding you back
There are so many reasons people are hesitant to tell their partner they watch porn, and understanding why youdon’t want to tell your partner will help you decide how to move forward. Here are common reason people don’t tell their partners:
You’re worried they will feel jealous and insecure.You’re ashamed of the kind of porn you watch.You told your partner you would stop watching porn, but you continued.Your partner believes porn is harmful and exploitative.You or your partner think watching porn is cheating.You feel out of control about your porn consumption habits.
Ask yourself if you want things to be different
It may be the case that for you, not telling your partner you watch porn is no big deal. It doesn’t impact either of your wellbeing and it’s on a par with not telling your partner what TV show or movie you watched — in short, it’s just not important to either of you. For others, however, it can be a source of secrecy, resentment, frustration or shame.
Spend time considering how porn is impacting your relationship. Does it feel like you’re carrying around a secret? Is it getting in the way of being emotionally or physically intimate with your partner? Do you feel like you’re cheating? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, it may be time to change this dynamic in your relationship.
Additionally, if you feel out of control about watching porn or if it’s keeping you from being able to perform your everyday responsibilities, consider seeking support from a sex therapist.
Learn the (real) facts about porn
Learn about porn. While it might sound silly or insignificant, this can actually be a huge help. Porn can be an emotionally and ideologically loaded topic for many people. Each of us have an entire lifetime of messaging and personal experiences with porn, and most of us learn inaccurate, harmful ideas about porn.
Each of us have an entire lifetime of messaging and personal experiences with porn, and most of us learn inaccurate, harmful ideas about porn.
You can watch Lustery’s (free!) course on pornography, for example, to give you straightforward, accessible and fact-driven information about porn and help you examine your own values and beliefs. Since porn can be so loaded, going into a conversation (if you choose to have one) with a clear and level head and having worked through some of your beliefs can make the conversation much easier.
Know that watching porn is healthy, natural and normal
There is no evidence that watching porn causes any physical or psychological damage to a person. You’re not a bad person for watching, or wanting to watch porn. In fact, watching porn can have a number of positive impacts on your relationship.
Test the waters – or take a deep dive
Next, put some thought into how you want to bring up porn with your partner, if you want to at all. Some people broach the topic by making broad statement or asking vague question about porn to test the waters with their partner. While this can feel like a safer route to get a reading on how your partner feels about porn, keep in mind that it can lead to miscommunications.
For example, if you say something about how “watching porn is normal'', but what you’re really trying to say is “I watch porn and I want to feel accepted,” your partner doesn’t know that and will respond to what you said, not what you really meant. Sometimes this leads to more insecurity and shame. For others, testing the waters with a question like “do you ever watch porn?” is a good segue to have an open conversation.
Alternatively, you can take a deep dive and be direct and vulnerable to avoid miscommunications and give your partner the opportunity to show up for you. You can say something like “I’m nervous to talk to you about this, but it’s really important to me. I’ve been feeling [insert your emotions, for example, ashamed that I watch porn]. I like watching it because [x], but I feel worried that telling you will [x].” Use “I” statements, be clear on what you’re afraid of, and reassure your partner in terms of what you enjoy about your relationship or sex life.
be direct and vulnerable to avoid miscommunications and give your partner the opportunity to show up for you.
Take turns discussing your experiences with porn
Like I said, porn can be loaded. Set aside time for you and your partner to take turns sharing what you learned about porn growing up and if or how it played a role in past relationships. Without judging either of your experiences or saying whether either of you are “right” or “wrong”, hear each other out. This can help both of you bring empathy to where each of you are at.
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