Pluto is the ruler planet of 2023, the planet of Death and Rebirth, and – ergo – the planet of la petite mort. In short, babes, this is the year of the orgasm. But exactly how you’ll be cumming? Well, that’s for the stars to ordain. Yes, of course, it’s about knowing your needs, communication, investing in the right toys, watching the right porn, etc.… but it’s also for the stars to ordain! Let’s see what your sign says about the 12 months to cum…
ARIES
Ruled by Mars, the planet of chocolate
Your orgasms are the strongest of the 12 houses; it’s not for nothing you are the first, the Alpha of the horoscope. Strong and loud: as you approach life, sports, food and farts, so you approach cumming. Think of a washing machine on turbo tumble-drying mode, an erupting volcano! And you wonder why you don’t get on with Virgos – none of them could tolerate such a mess around, no matter how good you are at foreplay. As a cardinal sign, your sex language is quite significant to people. They’ll remember your style for a long time after the hook-up if it is just casual sex, or you’ll leave a permanent trace if you’re in a long-term relationship.
Your best lovers are… Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini and Aquarius. You can choose between these wonderful options: selfishness, madness, co-dependency and indifference. Good luck!
TAURUS
Ruled by Venus, the planet of razorblades
You cum fast, leaving the moment behind you to focus on more pleasure and fun. Once you cum, your mind is free of the pressure to cum, which is not a sign to stop but, for you, to get even more engaged and involved. So-called ‘foreplay’ isn’t something you only do at the beginning of getting intimate, and you know that pretty well. Your full body is active when sex is on the table (yes, even sometimes literally on the table).
Your best lovers are… Leo, Libra and Gemini, however, you can also have a good shag with Capricorn, Aquarius or Pisces. Scorpio, Aries and Virgo could also be considered an option, or, depending on the occasion, Cancer, Aquarius, and even your Taurus pals.
GEMINI
Ruled by Mercury, the planet of men with a moustache
The obvious would be saying that you cum like two people because of the dual nature of your sign but it’s not that simple. To have a dual nature sign is more about living with your spirit/mind/soul/whatever-you-call-it and your body in two different spheres, sometimes three. Flesh and brain need to be pleased to make la petite mort possible. That's why it’s so hard for you to cum just with one person when it might take a few people to fill you completely.
Your best lovers are… Libra, Aquarius, Sagittarius and Aries (probably all at once). And, seriously, if your partner isn’t one of these, don’t break up or do something you could regret. It’s okay! Maybe you have compatible moon signs or ascendants, or you are simply made for each other, no matter what the stupid horoscope says.
CANCER
Ruled by the Moon. It is not a planet, it’s a satellite…
Very polite, you have very polite orgasms. You ask for permission before executing something risky or new, upholding your lovers’ boundaries and never making them feel bad about them. You say “please” and “thank you”. When your dates come home, you offer snacks and drinks, and when they have to leave, you gently tell them to fuck off and escort them to the door to never see them again, if you feel like it. Politeness combines perfectly with independence and self-love.
Your best lovers are… Scorpio, Pisces and Virgo. Out of these three, you are in the jungle of people that do not use coasters and leave the toilet lid open when flushing.
LEO
Ruled by the Sun. Also not a planet, but a star...
If you give others a chance, I assure you that you can get the same level of pleasure (or even higher) than when you’re playing with yourself. You need to tell them your likes and dislikes! In the beginning, talking can be hard. Start indicating what you like – or don’t – first with your hands or even your moans until you feel confident enough to say the nasty words and speak aloud about it. Your lovers will be delighted to finally know what to do to please you.
Your best lovers are… Leo, Aries and Sagittarius – strong and interesting people you will have strong and interesting relationships with. Nevertheless, your power couple is Libra but, like a Gold Pikachu, they are very hard to catch.
VIRGO
Ruled by Mercury, the hottest planet
You connect with your lover in a way that sometimes you can feel their orgasm even better than your own, and sometimes you can even synchronize your pleasure with their pleasure. Your sign is ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication, so you are very clear with your intentions, except when it’s retrograding. Please, stay home under Retrograde Mercury this year. There will be four, but the most important for you is the one from August 23rd to September 15th because it happens in your cosmic house. Have you seen Gremlins? You may become something similar. Try not to be close to people, especially your loved ones.
Your best lovers are… Scorpio, Capricorn, Taurus and Cancer. Or, better said, Scorpio, the Nasty; Capricorn, the Blue Prince; Taurus, the Cozy; and Cancer, the Oh-my-Lord-what-I-have-done.
LIBRA
Ruled by Venus, the same planet as Taurus. Coincidence? I think not...
You are the fastest runner in the Zodiac Race to Orgasm. Despite this traditional idea of longer being better (in many senses), it’s also one of those notions that urgently needs updating. Nowadays, nobody has three or four hours of spare time to dedicate to a sweaty and exhausting sex session. On the contrary, it’s easier to get a quick ride in the toilet of a gas station, or a horizontal refreshment first thing in the morning at the gym and before work. People don’t have time. You are the perfect sign according to this moment in civilization.
Your best lovers are… Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius and Aquarius. Stay away from water signs. They will only confuse you, ask you for money and never pay back or use your dildos leaving them unwashed. Scum.
SCORPIO
Ruled by Pluto, the planet of caterpillars
If you hid your orgasms even a little bit more, not even you would find them. Sure, you have them and even enjoy them, though nobody but you knows where they are or how to lure them out. They can come from a touching song, from sighting a beautiful sunset outdoors, or with intense anal stimulation. Who knows? That’s your charm, I guess. People who hang out with you never know what they’re getting. (Actually, you should come with a warning label, like the clothes you have to wash by hand or separately from the rest of the laundry.)
Your best lovers are… obviously the most submissive and sensitive signs of the zodiac: Cancer, Pisces and Virgo. Although what you really need is a Capricorn, a Libra or an Aries to cool you down a bit.
SAGITTARIUS
Ruled by Jupiter, the planet of philosophy
Your orgasms are the healthiest of the Zodiac. Plastic-, gluten-, sugar- and phthalate-free, carefree, and expensive, baby. There is nothing that turns you on more than a package with the word ‘organic’ written on it. You are good at torturing people in your particular dungeon, but you buy only animal cruelty-free cosmetics. Your ‘zero waste’ policy even makes you call your exes from time to time just to check whether they’re useful again. Every day you get closer to giving your first TED Talk about sustainable sex.
Your best lovers are… Leo and Virgo. Better separated than all together. These two signs could have sex at the same time at the same place it would be like one of those threesome scenes in mainstream porn where clearly two of the three don’t even want to make eye contact with each other.
CAPRICORN
Ruled by Saturn, the planet of the bosses
Sex is your sport, cumming is your trophy. No matter when, how or where, your aim is to win. However, the good thing about yourself is that you don’t want to be alone at the podium, so you graciously allow others to be by your side (always in lower positions, of course). People feel secure around you because they know orgasms are always on the cards and well delivered. Your timing is perfect, and you have an excellent customer care department, always ready to make a sandwich.
Your best lovers are… Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. It’s no coincidence that they are all water signs – you are so dry inside that you need all the power of the ocean to lubricate that cold heart of yours.
AQUARIUS
Ruled by Uranus, the planet of dad jokes
You see cumming as the most vulnerable moment you can experience, so you hide it, as you hide your true feelings sometimes. Are you sneezing or have you just reached your pleasure ceiling? You confuse your lovers so much that they never know when to stop, making for unnecessarily extended sex sessions. Unlike you, some people’s only aim is to cum or see you cumming and they don’t know what to do if there isn’t a big explosion of pleasure at some point. You’re not in danger like a gazelle in the savannah that must always be alert just in case somebody is hungry. Humans have nothing to fear but STIs and ghosting. For the first, you have barrier methods and medicines, and for the latter, your middle fingers.
Your best lovers are… Libra, Gemini, Leo and Satisfier because you tolerate zero bullshit.
PISCES
Ruled by Neptune, a planet very far away
If Aries has the strongest, Pisces, as the last and omega sign of the Zodiac, has the most meaningful orgasms. Sometimes you can see landscapes, hear music, or even see The Future. But remember, an oracle shows you only one reality, not every reality possible, so please, please do not panic or make extreme decisions after cumming. You are the mermaids of the Horoscope and your magic is that you can make them happy or sad, stay or go – choose wisely or you’ll end up retaining the least instead of the most convenient.
Your best lovers are… Taurus, Cancer, Scorpio, and Capricorn. You can also give Aries and Virgo a chance, and people called Max.
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