Parent life isn’t easy, but that’s part of our appeal. Many find our no-nonsense competence and dual capacity for TLC (tender loving care) and TCB (taking care of business) is irresistible. What to do if you’re trying to slip into a childcarer's tight schedule and zipper? Few admirers have the tools to be the best partner-date-fuck for parents that they can be. I wrote this guide between a diaper change and parent-teacher meeting, to help you be the best you can be for the sexy parents in your life.
These tips are written with parents of young (under 12) children in mind, and some may only apply to parents who have themselves given birth. Every tip is exponentially suitable for single parents. There is a special focus on mothers, but most of these suggestions are appropriate for parents of any gender!
1. Understand bedtime:
For most parents, bedtime marks the line between being a parent/worker and an adult, with adult desires. Kid bedtimes tend to fall between 18-21:00, so you are more likely to get laid during a teatime or desert date. Try, "hey can I come over with cheesecake? And no, I don't care if the house is a mess". Be sure to check in on the kids needs and the parent's wakefulness to be extra alluring.
2. Practice saying the sexiest words to almost any parent: “Let me do that for you!"
Do the washing-up. Cook the dinner. Take the kids to bed. Actively listen and look for ways to be helpful that you might usually miss. The less on their to-do list, the more time you two get to do it. Handling some errands will help them transition from "heck, so much to do!“ parent-mode into "hey you" sexy-mode. Plus, I can personally verify these magical words make parents wet/hard.
3. Use the word 'Mum' to celebrate not denigrate
One way to help Mums especially feel more like themselves, and less like sexless tissue dispensers, is to change the way you use language. I'm talking about using "Mum..." as a word for dorky, uncool, unsexy. Why would they want to show you what treasures are beneath those high-waisted jeans otherwise?! Likewise don’t talk about birthers’ bodies with any terms synonymous with “ruined”. Even to childless people. You never know who may internalize that message about their partners or body down the road.
4. Make the first move
People seem increasingly afraid to ask each other on dates, but there seems to be an *extra* barrier when it comes to parents. Is it the assumption that kids = monogamy? The stigma against the mother as agent of her own sexuality? The fear, confusion, or overwhelming feelings at the prospect of kids and family? Probably all the above. I’m here to tell you - parents respect proactivity! There are tons of single, divorced, co-parenting or ethically non-monogamous parents who would love a no-strings frolic. If you are partnered parents, make sure you schedule time alone together too.
5. Cover the sitter
A recent date showed me she was a serious MILF-lover by offering to split my babysitting costs for every date. That meant she got twice the steamy time as anyone else I’ve dated since my baby was born. As I’ve mentioned, two big turn-ons for parents are: consideration, and taking things off their plates so you can serve yourself up on one. This move hits both sweet spots. You can also support your friend's sex life by offering to watch their kids if a date or sexy event piques their interest. Also - good sexual health etiquette goes triple for parents. If you want to be a happy slut playing w happy sluts it’s a good idea to have current STI tests, discuss the results w. new partners, as well as use latex or nitrile barriers (condoms, gloves, dams) for genital fluid exchange; and with parents, that's all extra important! But also *make sure to fore-warn if you’ve got a cold, scratchy throat, etc*. When a parent gets sick the impact is exponential and more likely to mean sick kids, missed work, and no second date invitation for you.
6. Find an adult playroom
If resources allow, the energetic shift available in a hotel, public dungeon, out of town friends house can be well worth the price or favour. No visible reminders of the precious little ones and sheets they aren’t responsible for washing are to parents what waterbeds, were to the 70s. It’s so much easier to get sexually creative when you’re starting with a blank canvas.
7. Remind them they are more than just parents, without closeting their parent identity.
When you are stooping over a cluttered floor in sweatpants with yoghurt crust in your eyebrows, it can be hard to remember how your body feels in its erotic power: warm, tingly and animal. I’m a big fan of compliments in general, about qualities, skills, style and looks, but be EXTRA generous with your compliments towards parents. If they like it, tell them how sexy you find their bellies and thighs and other areas that may have changed post-birth (though be careful with breasts - overpraising bigger boobs can alienate a lactating parent). Encourage intellectual conversation but roll with it gracefully when a playground tale pops up. Just listen attentively, mirror their emotions ("oh how cute!" or "wow I admire your patience!") and then bring the conversation back to the adult mind.
8. Be chill with wonky schedules
The truth is, it takes a village to get the parent of a young child out on a date. You need a healthy kid, healthy, not-too-exhausted parent, and reliable childcare. Please be patient with cancellations and rescheduling and don't take perceived flakiness personally. Do NOT yourself flake on the chance for sex with a MILF if you ever want a second go. Making space to get busy is usually costing them time and money, and rarely are they as flexible as the childless.
9. Sensual Generosity
Giving body care goes SO far to balance out the energy drain from caring for kids who are certainly NOT thinking about their parents’ needs. Pick up some massage techniques via YouTube tutorials and treat them to some giving touch. Or make the parent you love a hot a bath and offer to rub their back with a washcloth. Sensual body care can really help those with a lot of care work responsibilities come back to their own body and mind.
10. Be up for quickies
Quickies, especially for live-in partners, can be an anchor for sexual connection amidst familial chaos. Even if you’re a more casual date, asking if you can stop by during nap time could be a good move. The trick to a good quickie is not to skip all that switching modes stuff but to do it in an abbreviated, concentrated way. What’s a go-to way to make them melt? Extended eye contact during a full-body hug? Deep make out? Gentle (or not) neck bites? Start there and then let them make the next move and set the pace. Fantasy can also do half the work for you if you, so start setting the scene with a text that morning. While this is ALWAYS true, with quickies especially, vibrators can be the kind of best friend you’re lucky to have a threesome with. If you have no time to spare, make sure they get off first.
11. Bring it!
Another way to differentiate between yourself and needy children is through simple acts of providing. Don‘t just talk about sexual health and safety, come prepared with your own condoms, gloves, dams and glycerin-free lube. Fix the tea, pour the wine, cut the fruit, find the towel. Little acts of service are golden for parents trapped in servitude to their precious little tyrants. This is extra important for you kinky folks who may be looking for Mommy or Daddy fetish play from your MILF/DILF. Make sure to mention your interest and negotiate it *outside* of bed, while some parents may be totally into it, it may be a big no-no for others.
header image by JO POLLUX