Want to explore D/s play but not quite what kind of dominant you are? We’ve got you covered!

Want to explore D/s play but not quite what kind of dominant you are? Read Ena Dahl’s latest piece on Lustery POV to find out

What Kind of Dominant Are You? | Lustery POV

What Kind of Dominant Are You?

In an episode of my favorite sex and relationship podcast, a caller asked for advice after his new lover had expressed a desire to be dominated in bed. He wanted to satisfy his partner’s wishes and was genuinely intrigued, but he didn’t want to be 

In another instance, someone reached out to me for help after her partner had started calling her 

during play. The moniker creeped her out and didn’t sit right, so she withdrew. She wanted to explore sexual domination, but with a different honorific and in a way that felt more authentic to her.

 (D/s), but aren’t quite sure how to approach it, or what kind of dominant you are, read on.

But first, let’s dispel a couple of common myths about dominants.

Doms are mean and violent to their submissives. False!

Everything that happens in this kind of play must be consensual. If a submissive gets flogged or humiliated in a scene, it should always be because they explicitly asked for it. A dom has limits too and is never obligated to do anything to their sub that crosses their boundaries.

A dom must exert physical power to control their partner. False!

While effective body handling, physical gestures, and activities like spanking can play a big role in D/s play, the most effective form of domination is mental. If you can get into your submissive’s head and control them with nothing but your words, you are far more powerful than someone who relies purely on their physical strength.

A dom is selfish and usually on the receiving end of pleasure. False!

More often than not, the complete opposite is true. Domination requires a massive amount of mental, and often physical, energy. Though they may direct or command their partner to perform tasks, it’s the dominant’s role to hold space to allow the 

There is only one way to be a dom. Definitely false!

There are almost as many ways to be dominant as there are dominants. The following guide is intended as a pick-and-mix menu rather than a fixed script, meaning you can combine traits from as many different types as you want to find the approach that works for you.

Another important point to keep in mind is that your dom style will, and should, change somewhat depending on the preferences of your submissive partner. Make sure you communicate and align your desires first to find your overlap.

A top is the active doer; the one who takes charge, directs, or performs the scene or act. Top/bottom dynamics are typically less about roleplay and mental powerplay and do not necessarily fall under D/s play at all.

Mommies and Daddies are gentle, protective, and nurturing caretaker doms to subs on the cute and sensitive side. Sometimes referred to as 

these subs may enjoy acting like and taking on mannerisms or other characteristics typically associated with someone younger than their actual age.

Despite taboos around age play, it’s important to keep in mind that there’s nothing wrong with playing, as long as everyone involved are consenting adults.

I’ve seen Dommy — a mix between Daddy and

, with an additional play on the word Dom — proposed as a gender-neutral alternative, and it definitely has a better ring to it than, “Yes, legal guardian” or “Spank me, parent”. That being said, I’ve met female Daddies and male princesses, proving that the words can also just represent a vibe.

This type of caretaker dom trains and/or handles subs that are into pet play, meaning they enjoy taking on characteristics of an animal like a puppy, kitten, or even a pony.

This type of dom is typically into discipline and likes doling out commands followed by punishment or reward. Since many subs are in it for the punishment too, especially if they’re of the bratty variety, it can sometimes be unclear which is which.

Further, if you’re into roleplay, this type of dynamic allows you to go all in with accessories like collars and leashes, muzzles, tacks and bits, feeding bowls, grooming gear, etc.

I’ve tried to keep this guide as gender nonspecific as possible, yet there are certain clichés that refuse to leave the confines of the binary. Your whisky-sipping, suit-clad dom reclining in a wingback leather chair with a pretty young thing kneeling at his feet, is one.

Often concerned with rituals and protocol, this dom is typically referred to as 

 are examples of this type of dom, but I wouldn’t recommend studying either for inspiration. Though the timelessly classic man in a suit (still) has an undeniable appeal, make sure there’s more to your domination than fancy attire and sleek accessories.

There’s no equivalent female counterpart to the classic suited Sir.Instead, the image that springs to mind when most of us think of a FemDom is the stereotypical, strict, whip-clutching femme fatale in a latex catsuit.

Often addressed with the honorifics Madam, Ma’am, or Mistress, a 

 can bea professional dom(me), but this’s not always the case.

Though some Dominants use these monikers in regular D/s play, Master/slave play is traditionally found on the far end of the powerplay scale and refers to relationships where the subs grant their Doms absolute control of some or all aspects of their lives. This type of play is referred to as TPE (Total Power Exchange) and some couples live it 24/7 with contracts and protocols in place.

The term Mistress is more commonly used outside of this full-time dynamic. Mastress has been suggested as the non-gendered alternative to both.

Truth be told, I haven’t come across a straight cis male who wanted to be referred to as God, and if I did, I’m not sure I could keep a straight face. On the contrary, there are Goddesses and Goddexes a-plenty and they may be queer, trans, gay, or cis women.

The Goddess/x is proud and powerful, yet less of a strict disciplinarian. As the title implies, they like to be worshipped and doted on, like a sacred temple prostitute from ancient Mesopotamia. Their ideal sub is someone who loves to please and service while requiring little physical attention in return.

Sexual (so-called benign) sadists love to play with pain and other intense physical or mental sensations, and their reward is the reactions they evoke in their partners.

What separates a safe sexual sadist from an actual sadist (or sociopath) is that they don’t wish to cause real harm or give pain just for the sake of it. Instead, they seek out equally masochistic play partners who derive as much pleasure from receiving pain as they enjoy giving it.

A good sadist is empathetic at above-average levels,and a keen interpreter of body language and other nonverbal signals. Often playful, and endlessly curious about the human body and mind, they make for fun play partners that are usually even more harmless than they sound.

Primal doms are hunters and their subs are their prey. Together they engage in wild, animalistic play, often involving chasing, clawing, biting, hair-pulling, wrestling, growling, and/or howling.

Primal play is more physical than mental, and due to its often rough nature, it can be considered edge play, meaning it’s a high-risk form of 

. There’s also something incredibly sensual about this type of play that allows you to tap into your raw, primordial self and experience with all your senses.

A brat tamer, as the name implies, enjoys controlling (or at least attempting to control) rebellious and bratty submissives who get their kicks from acting out and fighting back.

Brat tamers better be equipped with plenty of patience to be able to handle the repeat resistance from their partners. While many other dom-types hate when subs talk back to them, tamers find the challenge amusing, and even arousing.

, these dominants are less interested in doling out commands and punishments and all about taking charge in order to take their partners on a joyride to ecstasy.

While they’ll make sure they get their portion of the pie too, these types tend to be patient masters of self-restraint who thoroughly enjoy watching their partners squirm with pleasure for 

In the end, the way you choose to be as a Dominant should reflect you and your desires. If neither of the labels above fit, invent your own unique way of expressing yourself, while keeping in mind that your dynamic always changes depending on your partner.

And, if you’re looking for a nickname or honorific for you and your partner that doesn’t fit the heteronormative binary,check Zipper Mag’s list of