Here are the top things I need from a partner (and you should too) as a relationship mentor.

Sam from Shrimpteeth shares their ultimate list of top 5 non-negotiable things they need in a relationship (and you should too), as a relationship mentor themselves.

Top 5 Non-Negotiable Relationship Requirements | Lustery POV

Top 5 Non-Negotiable Relationship Requirements

I’ve been watching reality dating shows lately and I’m always a bit surprised by the shallowness of their eligibility criteria, “tall, dark, and handsome,” “shy and kind with a round face” or just “fit.” These lists of relatively arbitrary attributes have got me thinking about my dating criteria. 

For me, it is heavily based on the type of relationship I want to have, one that is calm and respectful while pushing us to be our best selves. That’s why these are my top relationship requirements and why I think they should be yours too:

The number one thing I look for in a partner is sincerity. My partner shows up honestly and isn’t scared to say what’s on their mind. They cultivate self-awareness and are genuine with their feelings. I trust that they’re behaving with integrity. 

When we’re together, I don’t have to question their motives. I know that they make mistakes in earnest and are never deliberately trying to hurt me. If they hurt me, they apologize and offer up ideas to repair our relationship. 

I briefly dated a “cool girl” who seemed more invested in maintaining an aloof air than showing genuine interest. When I’d ask her personal questions, she would answer either sarcastically or evade altogether. I kept guessing whether or not she was into me for a few weeks before drawing the inevitable conclusion that she wasn’t. It was only a few days later that I got an uncharacteristic text expressing that she was hurt that I had broken things off so abruptly. The whole situation left me befuddled but convinced this wasn’t the right communication style for me. 

By contrast, my current partner has a very sincere, low-context style of communication. In conversations, she’s direct and honest. She’s been transparent about her feelings towards me from the start of the relationship, not leaving me guessing where we stand. She’s usually forward about things that bother her, allowing me to find solutions with her before they become a big deal. 

I fall somewhere in the middle, having a more high-context communication style but a willingness to engage with others. I tend to ask a lot of questions to figure out what other people think, and I prefer to come to mutual decisions. When things bother me, I need to process them internally first to sort out my thoughts but then bring it up to my partner. 

Both of us communicate in ways that are different but authentic to us. Over the years we have learned to understand each other’s communication style better. But what’s most important is that both of us approach each other with sincerity. 

We both eagerly want to be in this relationship together. We are willing to work through conflict without putting our future on the line. I know I can count on my partner to be there for me and vice versa. 

One thing that makes my partner easy to be in a relationship with is her secure attachment style. When she likes someone, she’s upfront about her feelings. And she works to build lasting relationships. 

I have a harder time. I tend to be avoidant, but it’s something I’m aware of and actively work on. I’ve learned through our relationship that conflict is much easier to sort out when we feel like the relationship isn’t on the line. 

Knowing we’re committed to each other allows us to bring up issues and trust that we can work on them, rather than deciding to end the relationship entirely. Even though neither of us intends on getting married, we both feel committed to this partnership and don’t leave each other guessing. 

We have hobbies, friends, and goals outside of one another and respect each other’s autonomy. We don’t rely on one another to meet every single one of our needs. We give each other space outside of our relationship to explore people and activities that we don’t have in common rather than trying to force each other to share everything. 

When we first started dating, a lot of our friends didn’t understand our relationship because on paper we have so little in common. Both of us recognize that having plenty of time apart actually improves the quality of the time we spend together. 

In contrast, I have been in relationships where we do everything together. The complete enmeshment leaves very little room for us to be our own individual people outside of the relationship. It got to a point where I struggled to do things alone that I enjoyed without including my partner. The intense togetherness, in the long run, erodes my stamina to show up for my partner. 

We set goals for the relationship together and follow through on them. When problems come up, we work on resolving them as a team without blaming each other. We understand that relationships require compromise to function and we’re willing to do so within reason. 

My partner and I want to move in the next few years which requires a lot of planning. We both recognize that we can achieve our goals better when we lean into our strengths. Since we see each other as being equals, we divide up large goals into small tasks that we can both tackle. 

Viewing both goals and conflict as external challenges to overcome together allows us to be on the same team. When we encounter difficulties, we refrain from blaming one another and instead focus on how we can be more cooperative. Cooperation spans our division of housework, finances, initiating dates, and all the other mundane aspects of living together.

We’ve witnessed other relationships around us disintegrate because each person was so focused on being right or on having their needs exclusively met that they stopped seeing their partner as a partner. For both of us, a relationship only functions if we’re willing to work together. 

I respect and look up to my partner, and so does she. We think and speak highly of one another. Even when we’re discussing each other’s inevitable shortcomings, we do so in a playful manner that reflects our overall fondness. We learn a lot from one another. 

I love how my partner has different but complementary skills and views of the world. She’s great at being rational and goal-oriented, which challenges me to expand my thinking during our conversations. I like the way she’s able to bring up things I haven’t thought about and I admire the way she moves in her relationships with others. 

I similarly know that my partner feels like she grows by being in a relationship with me. She makes it clear that even when we differ in our opinions, we need to discuss it. I value the soft kindness that we consistently try to bring to each other.