I hate roller coasters. My family loves them. Maniacs. My least favorite part is not the incline, the drop, spin, flip, dip, or upside-downy-bit. No, it is when you get seated and that bar comes down, locking you in places, and your brain goes, “Crap, crap, crap! I made the wrong choice.” Meanwhile, the person next to you is one of those people screaming “Wheee!” and throwing their arms in the air. Fuck that guy, right? This is how an open relationship feels when you’re not ready for it. People rave about it—you see them laughing, free, having a blast. It looks fun. It sounds fun. “I could do that!”you decide.“I could be a ‘WEEE’ person!”
But can you? And do you want to?
from Giphy
A lot of men think they’ve struck gold when they meet a bisexual woman. They say, “Great! We can both sleep with women—no dudes, though.” I’ve seen a lot of this type of ‘open relationship’. This might work for some, though I haven’t seen it myself. It’s usually a man who wants his cake. And his partner’s cake. He wants to fuck all the cake. It shows a deep misunderstanding of bisexuality, immaturity, and a lack of respect for his partner. But hey, that’s just me. To be fair, I think this is also a trap young men fall into who don’t really want an open relationship, they just want to sleep around without guilt. They want the ‘open’, not the ‘relationship’. Some research suggests that the success rate of open relationships is less than 10 percent, with a fraction of all relationships taking that route. Why? Emotions are dumb and unpredictable. We think something will be fun. Others love it; why can’t we?
“I think this is also a trap young men fall into who don’t really want an open relationship, they just want to sleep around without guilt. They want the ‘open’, not the ‘relationship’.”
When I was a kid, my mother would take my brothers and me to the amusement park. I would putter around, throw darts at balloons, eat a corn dog, and eventually convince myself to get on the roller coaster. Without fail, when that bar came down, I thought, “I’ve made a mistake!” And by the first descent, I was screaming, “I want to get off!” I’ve tried an open relationship three times in my life, and each time that bar came down, we approached the first incline, and sure enough, they wanted to get off. (Not that kind of ‘getting off’, grow up).
As I’ve gotten older, more guys I know (especially in my generation) have started exploring open relationships. Most recently, my ex-partner and I spent a lot of time with a friend who was in an open relationship. He and his boyfriend had rules, were communicative, and took it step by step. It was clear: they both were loving this roller coaster. As someone who travels a lot, my partner and I discussed it and decided to give it a go. We lasted two weeks. We did everything right—discussed our comfort levels, set out rules, and as that bar came down, it became clear that she wasn’t ready. She couldn’t handle the idea of me being with other people. Even with all of our communication, rules, understanding, thinking-over, and over-thinking, it wouldn’t work. And that’s okay! Open relationships aren’t for everyone. I’ve never gotten to the point in one where I’ve been confronted with someone else being with my partner. I don’t know how it would make me feel. Probably not good. I asked some guys I know how they would feel—not one, except those already in open relationships, felt like they’d be comfortable with it. Didn’t matter how old, how mature, or how sexually experienced. Sometimes aspects of sexuality aren’t something you grow into—and monogamy isn’t always something to grow out of.
“Even with all of our communication, rules, understanding, thinking-over, and over-thinking, it wouldn’t work. And that’s okay! Open relationships aren’t for everyone.”
There is a lot of pressure, almost all of it from ourselves or partners, to want to be open. To even want to want to be open. When my ex-partner and I spoke, she told me, “I want to be open—I don’t want to be one of those closed-minded people who won’t try things. But I can’t.” There are those who try to force an open relationship into something that would be comfortable for them. Or, they start one and then get jealous or controlling. I wanted to think that men who couldn’t do open relationships were young, immature, inexperienced—but it’s not always that. It simply doesn’t work for everyone. Even if you do everything right, sometimes you don’t know till that bar comes down: Crap! I’ve made a mistake.
If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Be honest with yourself. And if you’re forcing a partner outside of their comfort zone, maybe consider the fact that you’re the “WEEE!” guy sitting next to the clearly uncomfortable person on the roller coaster. And we all know how we feel about that guy.
Podcast Transcript: