While safer sex practices should be relatively straightforward, for many ethically non-monogamous couples, it’s a huge point of contention. 

Fluid bonding in ENM relationships can be hard to talk about due to misconceptions about STIs, distrust issues and poor decision-making around safer sex.

Navigating Fluid Bonding in Ethically Non-Monogamous Relationships – Shrimp Teeth

The Complicated Feelings Behind Fluid Bonding 

As an educator, I’m often taken aback by how complicated it is to discuss 

 and barrier use with folks who are otherwise quite pragmatic and intentional about their relationships. Through countless conversations, I’ve come to understand that lack of education is only one facet of the problem. 

The larger obstacle we must overcome is addressing people’s psychology around commitment, fear, and sexual responsibility. Instead of laying out the basic guidelines for being fluid bonded, I want to dive into the inconsistencies between people’s philosophies about sexual wellness and their actual safer sex practices.

As we will explore, humans are imperfect, and therefore any attempt at creating universal adherence to safer sex guidelines is futile. All of the suggestions discussed aim to strike a balance between perfect world conditions and realistic implementations. While there are certain ‘best practices’ when it comes to safer sex, I respect every consenting adult’s ability to make decisions that feel right for them, whether they adhere to those guidelines or not.

Fluid bonding refers to the deliberate choice to engage in sexual acts without barriers. To be clear, this is an umbrella term since there are a variety of different styles of fluid bonding based on specific sex acts and corresponding fluids. Kissing, which involves saliva, is a form of fluid exchange. So, one form of fluid bonding abstains from kissing anyone other than a bonded partner. This, however, is slightly more unusual unless folks have active symptoms. For the most part, fluid bonding usually refers to a lack of barrier use during oral and/or genital sex.

Fluid bonding refers to the deliberate choice to engage in sexual acts without barriers… usually a lack of barrier use during oral and/or genital sex.

For many monogamous people, the decision to fluid bond is considered a normal step in establishing an exclusive relationship. The decision not to use condoms or dental dams is often a non-issue for couples who currently test negative for STIs and who either want to or can’t get pregnant. This phenomenon is sometimes referred to as the “condom cliff” (though it should technically also include dental dams!). 

According to Planned Parenthood, the condom cliff usually happens after two months of dating when 

62% of couples surveyed responded that they had discontinued barrier use

. And while monogamous people certainly aren’t safe from cheating and other ways of introducing viruses/bacteria into the relationship, often the decision to be fluid bonded is a far simpler one than for non-monogamous folks. 

 is defined by the decisions a couple makes around exclusivity, which is why fluid bonding can become such a hot-button topic. For a lot of partners, even if they are open to other people, certain forms of intimacy remain exclusive. By definition, you can only be fluid bonded within a closed loop, which usually translates to choosing a single partner with whom you don’t use barriers and using barriers with everyone else. 

This can create a sexual hierarchy, which, depending on the circumstance, may or may not be intentional. Whenever ranking becomes involved, so does the potential for jealousy, comparison, and insecurity… hence what makes this topic difficult to discuss. Because we’ve culturally linked not using condoms to deeper intimacy or trust, the partner who still has to use barriers can get the message that they are less important. 

Partners may be peeved that their meta is being prioritized (assuming fluid bonding is the more desirable choice) when it comes to safer sex practices. Conversations around safer sex can quickly devolve into quibbles about which partner is more important and who has to compromise.

Because we’ve culturally linked not using condoms to deeper intimacy or trust, the partner who still has to use barriers can get the message that they are less important.

On the surface, a disagreement could be about fluid bonding but actually reveal dissatisfaction with an existing or shifting hierarchy. Often a partner may use conversations about fluid bonding to express other fears that are harder to articulate. All of these conditions result in potential tension or gridlock when the topic of safer sex comes up. As we know, the more inflammatory a topic, the more likely couples will employ omission or secrecy to avoid confronting the issue directly and causing conflict. 

So often, partners end up going behind each other’s back and changing agreements about barrier use because they simply don’t know how to have the conversation. When a member of the polycule discontinues barrier use without the prior consensus of other partners, this can result in a significant breach of trust, exacerbating the problem.

Lack of STI knowledge leads to poor planning 

It’s no secret that American public schools offer notoriously bad sex education, leading to a pretty significant knowledge gap when it comes to safer sex practices. Without adequate knowledge comes a susceptibility to being both irrationally fearful of the unknown topic and simultaneously flippant about adopting consistent safer sex practices. 

Basically, a lot of people are extremely scared of contracting STIs because of puritanical fear-mongering parading as education and still refuse to use barriers. Education around STIs expands well beyond condom use, yet an alarming number of people don’t even have a rudimentary understanding of testing, symptoms, and prevention.

One general misunderstanding is about what is included in STI panels. Not everyone knows that they have to ask their doctors to specify which STIs will be covered by their tests. There’s still an enormous lack of understanding about 

I’ve also talked to adults of all ages who don’t know how incubation periods impact when you can accurately get tested. I have to explain that you can’t go to the doctor the day after you have sex to find out if you are positive for most STIs. You need to wait anywhere from a few days to multiple months depending on the infection to receive accurate results.

I’ve talked to adults of all ages who don’t know how incubation periods impact when you can accurately get tested.

Unfortunately, since incubation periods aren’t common knowledge for a large number of adults, many people make safer sex plans that assume they can get tested between seeing each sexual partner within a week in lieu of using barriers. Of course, this is as impractical as it is illogical, yet you’d be shocked by the frequency of non-monogamous people who pitch me this plan with absolute seriousness. 

And while I don’t disbelieve their intentions, I am also acutely aware of the disparity between theoretical safer sex plans and realistic implementation. For example, according to 

 some years back, 80% of people surveyed said they thought condom use was important, though only 35% of the same folks actually used condoms regularly.

“I can’t feel anything with a condom”

I can assure you I would be retired on a beach somewhere instead of writing this article if I had a dollar for every time I heard someone tell me they weren’t using barriers with multiple partners because they couldn’t feel anything. And listen, I’m not going to be a hypocrite, I get it. I don’t like giving 

 to a sheet of latex either. I’m on your side – barriers do suck. But so do seatbelts, helmets, and literally everything that’s designed to keep you safe. I don’t know what to tell you. Unfortunately, when we’re engaging in activities that have associated risks, it’s our job as adults to take appropriate precautions.

I’m not saying by any stretch of the imagination that we must stigmatize STIs or be unnecessarily fearful. The good news is that STIs are increasingly curable or, if not, manageable through medicines. However, higher infection rates do lead to more use of antibiotics, which can result in resistant strains that are more aggressive, and that’s not great for anyone.

Safer sex, just like driving cars, is a public health issue and it’s our responsibility to have a clear mind about the decisions we make. Choosing to drive drunk without a seatbelt can not only harm us but can hurt others too. It doesn’t mean we should never drive, but it does mean we should be aware of the choices we make about how and when we drive. Sex is the same. There are certain types of sex and contexts where choosing not to use barriers is less likely to be detrimental to our health than other contexts.

It’s pretty common for fear around STIs to be unintentionally bundled with the distrust about metas or ENM more broadly. It’s no secret that when a new partner is added to a polycule, there can be spicy feelings of displacement, territoriality, and other insecurities. It takes time to build trust with newer members of a polycule, since you don’t know how those folks will impact your life until months, if not years, later.

Often the fear of the unknown person extends to their sexual activity with other people. It’s really common for folks to be scared about new metas getting unintentionally pregnant or introducing STIs. Sometimes these fears are very reasonable or have already come to fruition, other times they are simply an extension of the anxiety that’s already being experienced around a change to the relationship. 

At their worst, these fears can devolve into slut shaming and 

. I don’t think people do this intentionally, but I often hear primary partners who feel like their general concerns are being dismissed use their fear of STIs as an “indisputable” way to try to reassert their need for control or validation. Because STIs are a tangible form of potential pain, it’s easier for primary partners to use them as evidence of (sometimes hypothetical) wrongdoing. 

Because STIs are a tangible form of potential pain, it’s easier for primary partners to use them as evidence of (sometimes hypothetical) wrongdoing. 

When general distrust is displaced onto STIs it can make primary partners come off as inflexible or even hysterical in the eyes of their shared partner and metamour. In turn, the shared partner can feel punished by having restrictions placed on them by their primary partner about how they can sexually engage with their secondary partner. 

Now, I’m not saying that all discussions about safer sex are displaced trust – not at all. It’s incredibly necessary to have transparent conversations with partners about plans that everyone can participate in upholding. However, such plans can only be made when every member of the polycule is able to approach the topic with an adequate level of knowledge to make informed decisions.

Getting out of the fluid bonding gridlock

I’m not here to tell you whether or not you should be fluid bonded with a partner in your polycule. What is important is that everyone is on the same page as often as possible. Since conversations about sex aren’t very normalized, talking about STIs can be hard, but avoidance isn’t the right answer. The more we practice articulating how we plan on practicing safer sex, the easier it is to make good decisions. 

, consulting a doctor or educator, or otherwise learning about safer sex with your partners, you’ll be able to align on best practices. In an ideal world, both of you can make the enthusiastic decision whether to be fluid bonded or not with the support and agreement of other polycule members.

However, I’ve been doing this job long enough to know that’s often not the case. There’s a good chance that at some point you’ll be confronted with a non-monogamous sexual situation that won’t align with your desired safer sex practices. What I often remind people is that they are fully in control of their own boundaries and that they can’t force other people to behave in any particular way. So if a partner isn’t willing to use barriers with other people, you are always allowed to decide that you will use barriers with them. If they refuse to use barriers with you, then you can decide not to have sex with them.

If your reaction to the two previous statements is to say, “But I don’t want to use barriers, I want 

 to use barriers!” I encourage you to sit longer and gently investigate your motives. If the topic moves away from making decisions that help you promote your own sexual wellness and turn towards your meta, suddenly we’re dealing more with an issue of control and/or prioritization. And while I want to reiterate that there’s nothing wrong with either, it’s going to be impossible to make clear-headed decisions about your safer sex plan until you address those underlying issues first.

 I completely understand feeling angry when a partner makes choices to seemingly engage in riskier sex with another person, especially after we have voiced our objections. Those, unfortunately, are some of the really complex feelings that we have to navigate when we choose to be 

. But feeling angry and insisting that our pals conform to our standards doesn’t get us any closer to making a functional plan for us to prioritize our sexual health. Sometimes the only choice we have is to do what’s right for us.