Horoscopes aren’t always about you – after all, you already know your biggest fantasies inside and out, don’t you, you little perv? However, as anyone who’s ever furtively found out their crush’s birthdate, time and location can perhaps shamefully confess, sometimes it’s not your turn-ons that you’re looking for. Luckily, our tongue-in-cheek look to the heavens reveals all. Well, we think. Use consensually and at your own risk…
ARIES – Trichophilia
Aries wants to make love to your hair. Wet or dry, straight or curly, blonde or brunette, they secretly love the touch, the smell… They want to comb it if it’s long; to rub themselves with it if it’s short. Drive them wild by mixing your hair with theirs. (Remember, there are many hairy places on the body, so don’t limit yourself to just the head…)
Tip for Aries: Don’t go around smelling strangers’ hair. It’s creepy. Wait until somebody asks you to.
TAURUS – Ecosexuality
Taurus loves to feel part of Nature, where they can be out in the open without any crowds. If you want to make their nastiest dream come true, try a dark and humid cave any time of the year. Where others may be aroused by the scent of cologne or sweat, Taurus loves the smell of moss, decomposing bark and crushed leaves. Finding the perfect cave should be easy. Just check first that no animal, human, spirit, ghost or demon is living there to ruin your sexperience.
Tip for Taurus: The perfume you usually wear attracts mosquitoes. Consider trying one that attracts a date instead.
GEMINI – A talkative partner
The most erotic zone on a Gemini’s body is their ears, however, don’t waste your time on little kisses – a Gemini ear does not work by contact but by sound. Some people are gifted with the prodigious mind that finds the precise words that make a Gemini go crazy. If you aren’t one of them but want to seduce the twins, check out Lustery’s recent ‘Cummunication’ videos and article. Consider it a tutorial.
Tip for Gemini: Sometimes you can find the right words if you ask the right questions.
CANCER – Sploshing
With or without underwear, Cancer just loves the feeling of spongy cake and puffy cream under their butt… that is, just before sitting on their lover’s face. Delicious. Also known as ‘wet and messy fetish’, the sexual practice might require some extra precautions, though. To the usual safe sex stuff, you should add some allergy tests, especially nuts, dairy and gluten. Happy sploshing!
Tip for Cancer: Go to a restaurant on your first date and pay attention to what kind of diet they have – if it doesn’t align with yours, it’ll pointless to go on a second date.
LEO – Sex with their doppelgänger
In their deepest, most intimate dreams, Leo finds their double and, obviously, has sex with them. They cum multiple times and have the experience of their lives. In their nightmares they still have sex but, well, it’s bad. Nobody can guarantee that someone who looks like you can fuck like you, even if they have the same zodiac sign, because you are so unique and special. Each one of you. Very special.
Tip for Leo: Masturbating in front of a mirror does not count as having sex with your double. Keep doing it though.
VIRGO – Sex by the book
Virgo loves rules and follows instructions word for word. Get a sex book (everybody knows the Kama Sutra, but you could probably find better) and open it to whatever sex position you want to try. Let them read carefully, assimilating the information, then prepare to enjoy Virgo’s skills to stick to the letter.
Tip for Virgo: On a date, wear contact lenses.
LIBRA – A gang bang, of course
Libra loves to be the center of attention. Why not to give them the attention of 10 or more people dedicated entirely to their pleasure? Every eye, every tongue, every hand with the sole purpose of taking Libra to the next level.
Tip for Libra: Drink more water. You’re definitely going to need all your fluids flowing like a river.
SCORPIO – Sex with an otaku
Because Scorpios love weird, difficult-to-understand things, otakus are really their thing. Otakus can be shy or sluts and you’ll never know judging by their cover, as they all look almost the same, like the same things, and – if eating – eat in the same peculiar way.
Tip for Scorpio: If you don’t read manga or watch anime, you don’t stand a chance.
SAGITTARIUS – Shut up!
Sag does not want to hear about your last relationship or how your day at work was. If you really want to satisfy a centaur, don’t talk. You are allowed to breathe, if you absolutely have to, but just because necrophilia isn’t their thing. Maybe after sex, they’ll let you tell them your name and maybe, just maybe, your phone number too just so that they can never call you back.
Tip for Sagittarius: They say sex is an international language. If you date people that don’t speak your actual language, the sex can be good anyway and you can zone out for the rest.
CAPRICORN – Losing control
Capricorns make schedules for everything. They are masters of their time and space. Their dirtiest fantasy is losing control but having everything in the right place as if they were actually directing the scene, nonetheless. In short: a good old BDSM session.
Tip for Capricorn: If you feel more comfortable, you can pay for any kind of BDSM session. Your feeling of control will persist, and you will not have the terrible idea of being attached to another human being.
AQUARIUS – Owning a sex toy store
A sex shop is Disneyland for an Aquarian. It combines everything they love: shopping, design, technology and perversion. And because they’re so enthusiastic about all of these things, they will explain – in the most explicit way possible – how to use every gadget, probably making for a lot of awkward moments with customers.
Tip for Aquarius: They can read the instructions or look for some tutorials online. Save your time and reputation.
PISCES – Crying after sex
Pisces' orgasms are so intense that they can’t help crying after having one. It is not like they are sad or overwhelmed with love for their partner. Recent studies have discovered that Pisces people actually cum with their eyes. You can call it ‘face squirting’.
Tip for Pisces: Always carry a towel with you. Or two.