"Tell Me How You Cum"

Ask a million people and you’ll get a different answer. There is no one ‘right way’ or magical orgasmic technique. What works for one person won’t always work for another. This is why honest conversations are so important.

But pleasure-centered conversations are not something we’re taught at school. When comprehensive sex ed is offered - and for parts of the world, abstinence-only education is standard - it focuses on risk reduction like pregnancy prevention, STDs, and HIV and not pleasure. But understanding that sex is for pleasure isn’t only crucial to wellbeing, but for knowing when it is being used to harm or manipulate.

Many institutions remain in the past despite revised UNESCO guidelines including a much broader view on gender, sexuality and healthy relationships than many of us learned in class:

“Describe ways that human beings feel pleasure from physical contact (e.g. kissing, touching, caressing, sexual contact) throughout their life.”

“State that sexual feelings, fantasies, and desires are natural and not shameful, and occur throughout life.”

“Couples have varied ways to share sexual pleasure with each other” The above learning objectives are for young people, but they’re lessons many adults are still learning.

So how do you express what feels good, and what doesn’t? Offer directions, ask questions, say “up”, “down”, “like that”, “I prefer”, “could you?” and “do you want me to…”? A lot of sex is intuition, and chemistry is real. But that doesn’t mean we can’t make it even better by asking for a finger here, a nibble there, to go faster now. The closest we got to it was the ‘contract’ scene in Fifty Shades of Grey, and the less said about that the better.

TV shows and films aren’t exactly the best places to learn to communicate sexual feelings in general. Though visionaries like Michaela Coel and intimacy coordinators are portraying more sex with more nuance on screen, the norm is usually for couples to achieve mind-blowing orgasms without talking, using telepathy to figure out what the other person needs.

We need to TALK to each other about what we want. How is our partner to know if we prefer hands to tongues, clitoral stimulation to penetration, anal to vaginal, hard or soft, fast or slow? We need to acknowledge the huge spectrum of identities and sexualities and how that can affect how a person may want their body to be addressed, touched, loved. We need to appreciate that sex is more than just a set roster of acts that we learn about in school or from TV, and that pleasure can come from all kinds of places. We need to understand that penetration is not the be-all-and-end-all. We need to speak up for ourselves.

It’s strange that this is still awkward for so many of us. The world of sex may seem more liberated and pleasure-focused than in the past, but it’s mainly focused on masturbation. Sex toy sales have boomed in lockdown and the stigma around solo time is being broken down. But knowing what gets you off alone doesn’t automatically translate to sex with a partner. People have different emotions, sexual histories, erogenous zones, pain conditions, kinks, and quirks. Being open about them creates a safe situation, where boundaries are understood, and pleasure points are ignited. This is especially important for people who have suffered trauma or experience pain – too often the thought of sex can be daunting because of the problems that may arise. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we felt comfortable to say what we needed without worrying about ruining the moment?

Consent conversations have become a normal part of sex, now it’s time for the pleasure conversation. We can have these discussions before sex, but also at a completely different time when there’s less pressure to get down to it. Even for established couples, taking time to sit down to talk about how it’s going and if there’s anything new you need is a great way to ensure you’re both getting the best out of your time together. Everyone loves getting their partner off, so don’t worry about being demanding or overly specific – just think of it as giving detailed directions to a really great place everyone wants to go. And don’t take anything for granted. Not everyone knows the difference between the g-spot and the a-spot, we’re not all squirters and always ask before playing with someone’s butt.

We've initiated the pleasure conversation by asking Lustery couples to describe their orgasms to their partners, hopefully inspiring you to do the same.

Orgasms and sexual pleasure are wonderful, emotional things - connecting, transporting, and relaxing us. They can take away our stresses, bring us closer together, help us cry, help us sleep, help us breathe. Why wouldn’t we do what we could to make that happen for ourselves and the person we’re with? Your sexual preferences shouldn’t be taboo, speak up and share your needs with your partner for the sex you deserve. The onus is on everyone to break down this barrier to good sex. Get comfy, have a chat, be honest. Express your needs and ask your partner about theirs. It’s time to tell them how you cum. In need of a little inspiration? Lustery memberships are currently 50% off until the 14th of March only! Click here to claim your discount.