Blaming the other woman doesn’t help your polyamorous relationships

In polyamory, it can be difficult to not blame the “other woman” when your partner meets someone new. Anne Shark shares a personal story and provides tips on feeling confident in your polyamorous relationship. 

Polyamory: The “Other Woman”

Stop Blaming the “Other Woman” in Polyamory

When you hear the term “other woman,” what comes to mind? Is it a younger, hotter, thinner woman with an air of superiority and no concern for you or your relationship with the man she’s sleeping with — who happens to be your husband or boyfriend? 

The media reinforces this trope ruthlessly. 

, “There is a long history in Western culture of looking at women as dangerous seductresses that have all of the control. If a woman comes onto a man, he has no choice but to fall prey to her charms.” 

It can be easy to fall into this depiction of women when a partner betrays us. It’s easier to blame someone we don’t know than to admit the person we’ve grown to love and trust has done something so hurtful. 

Unfortunately, this perpetuates a toxic culture of women turning on women and freeing men from responsibility for their choices. 

In the long run, blaming the other woman doesn’t help anybody. 

“There is a long history in Western culture of looking at women as dangerous seductresses that have all of the control. If a woman comes onto a man, he has no choice but to fall prey to her charms.” 

Your partner isn’t cheating on you, he’s just dating someone else according to the premise of your relationship structure. 

You’ve done all the work to undo social programming and implicit beliefs. 

1. Love is limited and monogamy is the only way to ensure you’ll be loved.

2. Other women are to be feared and hated because they might seduce and steal your boyfriend/husband.

3. You must have full control of your partner so that you continue to be the recipient of all his limited love. 

… and you know these statements aren’t true. 

But knowingdoes not mean you’re immune to knee-jerk reactions

 that bring you straight back to life-long social programming, especially when you’re hurting. 

My biggest poly challenge happened last year 

It was during one of the most stressful periods of my adult life when I began embarking on a major career change. I had stopped dating to focus on the transition, and I essentially pulled away from a lot of my social support “to focus” (which I now see was a terrible idea — isolation is rarely if ever a good idea when making big changes in your life). 

You might not be surprised to learn that when my long-term nesting partner — who had told me before I started this transition that he wasn’t interested in dating anyone seriously — fell in love with someone new, I didn’t take it well. 

He began spending multiple days a week with her, and, combined with our often opposite work schedules, this meant I rarely saw him. I was left alone and felt I’d been abandoned when I needed him most. 

I tried telling him how I felt, but it often ended up coming out sideways and we’d end up in terrible fights. I eventually broke down in front of his new partner, expressing in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t okay and that I needed him, hoping against hope that maybe she would understand and help our shared partner understand too. 

No such luck. It wasn’t my finest moment and neither did it “work.” They continued to see each other just as often only now, there were no more group hangs, and I was alone even more. Plus, my partner now resented me for pulling my meta into our conflict.  

And yet, knowing that she now knew how I felt too, I found myself blaming her, at least in part, for my pain. As much as I tried not to go there, to that dark, shame-veiled part of myself, she became to me the 

If you’re struggling with your partner being in a new relationship, whether or not your story sounds similar to mine, you’re not alone. Trust me though, blaming your partner’s new partner won’t help. 

Sure, maybe she’s being insensitive to your established agreements, or she’s asking a lot of your shared partner early on in their relationship, requiring him to make tough choices. 

,” or “someone who acts polyamorous and then after forming a relationship, tries to remove their partner from the polycule to be monogamous with them. So called because they are "roping one off from the herd," (

It sucks, but fixating on these fears and blaming her (especially when you don’t have any proof this is what she’s doing) isn’t going to solve your predicament. 

If your partner has been breaking commitments with you or crossing boundaries, that’s an issue between you and your partner. While she may be contributing to challenges, she’s not the one with whom you’ve made agreements. 

And if you try to talk things out with your partner and he isn’t being supportive — or even if he is, and you’re still spiraling into a dark place — then it’s time for you to turn towards your most primary partner. 

For me, this was the second time since opening my relationship that I had to do a deep dive into my unconscious belief patterns.  

Based on my self-work, I’ll share some beliefs I’ve had to wrestle with and the messages with which I’ve been replacing them: 

1. I don’t deserve to ask for what I want and need. 

2. It’s safer to express anger than hurt. 

5. My partner is the only person who can help me when I’m down. 

6. I can’t trust my partner to make good decisions about his other relationships. 

Some of these are downright contradictory, and yet, they all float around inside me, simultaneously, waiting for the perfect circumstances to emerge and take over. Chances are, you have some of these conflicting beliefs within you, too. 

1. We can’t control other people, but we are not helpless. 

2. We have infinite choices for how to respond to others. 

3. Anger is protective, but if the goal is to be closer to someone, it’s unlikely to get you there. 

4. Everyone deserves to express wants and ask for needs to be met. 

5. There are other ways to gain support than through a partner, and you deserve support. 

Speak up when you want or need something. Take ownership of what you say by using “I-statements” such as “I am feeling lonely and would like to spend more time with you.” 

There’s no guarantee your request will be granted, but you’re not helpless, and you can find other ways to fulfill needs. Call a friend. Attend a meet-up event. Find a therapist or join a

, or specifically, a poly support group. 

Polyamory is not always easy, but one thing that can be said about it is that it is constantly evolving. This challenge… even requires you… to evolve too. Limiting beliefs will be brought to a head, and born from working through them is the potential for incredible growth and healing. 

You may not see it when you’re knee-deep in hurt, but perhaps the “evil other women” is not so evil but a harbinger of much-needed change and growth. It helps to at least stay open to the possibility. 