ARIES Mar21 - Apr19
Jupiter is the planet for luck and blessings. After 11 years of waiting, it's finally in your house in 2020. This means high chances of winning the lottery. Don’t freak out. Choose the best price, don’t go around and waste money on stupid draws: go for the big one. If you win and you want to keep your fortune for you and the daughters of your daughters no ritual is needed, just take care of your finances.
You probably need a trustworthy astrologer to guide you taking decisions. I am available for that position: I have the knowledge and the favor of the stars -at least 6 of them-. I can be brutally honest when you’re making mistakes, being a jerk or having too many cosmetic surgeries. I absolutely don’t want your money. I like jewelry, big houses and cotton underwear.
CITY: Malabo DRINK: Coffee SEX: fingering
TAURUS Apr20 - May21
Your mistakes of the past year do not define you, you can make better mistakes in 2020. Keep in mind that Uranus is going to be in your house a long time empowering your creative side so improve your errors, make them so glorious that some people consider them good ideas. Sell the ideas to them, let them develop your miscalculations. It doesn’t matter if they succeed or not, you have already done something good: inspiring people.
If you want to change something in your life by springtime you can make this ritual: have breakfast in the evening, for dinner. This little gesture could seem innocuous, however, it’s extremely effective: It can reverse the curse of events and you will have more chances to get what you want but careful, this ritual not only can turn your life upside down, it literally can make the world spin backwards. To avoid changing some Universal laws remember to stir your coffee, tea or bowl of cereal always from left to right to keep the gravitational force in its place if residing on the North hemisphere. The opposite if living in the South.
CITY: Quito DRINK: Pisco Sour SEX: Masturbation
GEMINI May21 - Jun20
In short, your year will be mostly boring until June, when Venus and the Sun are together in your house. If those under your sign already have a natural tendency on loving more than one person at a time, in June this tendency can be boosted to levels you have not experienced in your life yet. Let’s be prepared for that moment: First, it’s very important to masturbate regularly. This will create a very powerful energy to keep you strong inside physically and mentally.
It keeps you focused. Second, make some savings, you will need them for hotels and safe sex. Third, make an Excell sheet with names, phone numbers, location and dates. This will prevent you making mistakes like having two dates at the same time in the same place and things that are maybe funny on a romantic movie but not in the real world. Some people find promiscuity something easy, but some people don’t. It’s important to identify them and separate those who are less open that others so you can have safe monogamic dates in one side and in the other, safe threesomes or even orgies. Lie if necessary but keep your intentions honest.
CITY: Leopolis DRINK: Grapefruit Juice SEX: public sex
CANCER Jun21 - Jul22
Crabs like to carry their home on their back, even those that are born without a shell seek something to cover their weak naked unprotected body up. Talking about humans, that ‘shell’ is not for protecting you but for protecting others from you. Sometimes you have very conservative ideas about politics, property, or feminism. 2020 has to be the year to shut up the little fascist in you.
Open your frontiers to strangers, to new food, new relationships, new music. Be nice to your fellas. Have an affair with someone you would never date before because of your prejudices. Play sex without any kind of penetration, try some paraphilias until you find yours. As a water sign you would feel the influence of Neptune but not as strong as Pisces. They are going nuts the whole year, it’s gonna be a lot of fun.
CITY: Caceres DRINK: Whisky SEX: banging in toilets
LEO Jul23 - Aug22
Lions can be little kittens sometimes. Take the many chances you will have in 2020 of being cute for others, to open your heart to tuna and salmon, or chasing after a red light spot. Sleep for hours on the carpet, purr to your loved ones. Express your true feelings making cookies on their laps. Scratch a sofa. Be sure that you are the most beautiful creature made. Let people touch you, all your body.
Drink that milk. From the floor. Rise your ass for a little spanking. Don’t beg. Say please. Say Yes, Madam. Do you like me to scratch you? Yes, I know you do. All way down your back. Strong and slowly. You want to bite me. I won’t let you. Not yet. I like the scent of excitement on your skin before I go inside you. The subtle breath you exhale right in the moment I’m in. Not yet. Look at me. Say meow.
CITY: Tokio DRINK: a digestif SEX: Oral
VIRGO Aug23 - Sep22
2020 can be the year for you if you let it. Surround yourself with the right stones for your sign, these are: Green Jade, Citrine, Celestine, Fluorite, and Red Jasper. If you don’t have a jewelry maker of choice, it’s about time you have one. Order a crown for you. Green jade, Citrine and Celestine should be on top and yellow fluorite and red jasper beneath them as a representation of the Earth and the Sky.
Wear it only in daylight, when the sun can penetrate the facets of the stones and the sun rays can dance inside. You would feel a tickling behind your ears, that means it’s working: your neighbors and workmates are talking about your new look throwing waves of envy to you. Don’t worry: your crown would turn that envy into good luck and peace of mind.
CITY: Subotica DRINK: Beer SEX: lustery.com
LIBRA Sep23 - Oct22
Your situation in 2020 will be stable as you have two dwarf planets in your house the whole year, Haumea and Makemake, in a complete balance. Haumea was discovered by the Spanish Observatory of Sierra Nevada in 2003. Though later the Caltech (California Institute of Technology) named it after a Hawaiian god of fertility, its original name was Ataecina, an Iberian goddess of springtime, fertility, and nature.
This little planet has a mass equal to a 6% of our Moon, orbits the Sun every 283 years and it’s located in the Kuiper Belt. It is not spherical, it has an ellipsoidal shape and its rotation is extremely fast: once every 4 hours. Haumea and its two moons have icy surfaces bright as snow.
MakeMake is also in the Kuiper Belt and its diameter is around 1430 km, thought to be spherical. It has an orbit similar to Haumea and its color is reddish. It has a large amount of gases on its surface like Methane, Ethane and Nitrogen, however, its atmosphere is very thin. It has an 8 hours rotation and a 320 year period orbit. It has no moons. Its first name was Easter Bunny but luckily they finally named it after a Rapanui god of fertility and creator of humanity.
CITY: Barranquilla DRINK: Non alcoholic wine SEX: mature
SCORPIO Oct23 - Nov21
Embrace the evil in you. Honestly, is your best side, and actually, the one that I like the most. Use it to protect yourself of attention seekers and energy vampires. This attitude will help you to earn more money or get promotions at work. It’s perfect for commercial relationships and for getting drinks at a crowded event.
It may change your image a little, though. By September you could maybe develop an exoskeleton and start breathing through your skin. In the human world that’s kind of uncomfortable, as we use clothes to cover our bodies. Day by day you’ll have a stronger desire on spending more and more time naked. Instinctively, you’ll remain home for days, shut up in your room until your transformation into a scorpion is complete.
CITY: Tobillos DRINK: Gazpacho SEX: sexting
SAGITTARIUS Nov22 - Dec21
My super centaur, I must warn you that you are starting the year with Mars on your house. That is extremely dangerous for you because added to your natural lack of filters it can make a cocktail similar to a truth serum. This is bad for business, bad for love, family, basically is bad for everything that implies communication. Everything but sex. This state of mind is perfect to connect deeply and sincerely with other human beings on a physical level.
You will be able to tell them exactly what you like and how you like it, having the best orgasms of your life. About the bad part, there is a way to minimize the risks of screwing it up at work or in social events: start your day watching mainstream television shows of any kind. They can be late nights, the news, talk shows or even reality shows. Assimilate their language, the issues they discuss, and use it in your daily life conversations. It really works. It’s like hypnotizing people. If you go through this phase successfully, the rest of the year will be a piece of cake.
CITY: Gotinga DRINK: mohito SEX: gangbang
CAPRICORN Dec22 - Jan19
You finished 2019 with a bunch of planets over you and that happy crew is going to be looking at you the whole year. Don’t feel pressed, feel blessed! Even Uranus, which is certainly far from you, is sending you its energy waves through Space. You’ll see how your creativity is increased in many aspects of your life. Sexually you will be impressive, talented, strong and fluid.
This year is not the year for learning new things but to consolidate the knowledge you already have. Practice makes it perfect. Find your lacks and improve them, find your best and make it a hit. Write about it, shoot a scene. Be admired for your incredible skills. Start a revolution. Lead the anti-climate change movement. Die surrounded by monkeys in the jungle of Venezuela.
CITY: Istambul DRINK: Piña colada SEX: vegan bukakke
AQUARIUS Jan20 - Feb18
Ok, let’s talk about the Mercury Retrograde Survival Kit 2020. There are 3 retrograde periods in 2020 and the first one will take place in your season, from February 18th to March 9th, to be precise. Your survival kit for not getting totally insane should include: pictures of cats, lipstick, seasonal fruit, a turquoise, a science fiction book, and the lyrics of your favorite song written on a thin paper.
Hold the stone in your left hand and the fruit in your right. Eat the fruit. If you do it every day at the same hour you get a bonus. Under no circumstances eat the turquoise. It’s meaningless. The book will distract you from bad thoughts. The pictures of cats will cheer you up anytime and make you feel comfortable helping you to find your happy place. Put the song inside your pockets and touch it every time you feel agitated. I think lipstick looks very well on you.
CITY: Santo Domingo DRINK: Oporto wine SEX: ATM
PISCES Feb19 - March20
Maybe you’ve read in other horoscopes that Neptune is going to be by your side in this new year and probably you thought ‘Oh great! I will be in my element! The god of water, the seas and the oceans is looking at me’. Error. First, you are not a fish. You are a human being and you belong to Earth, dear.
The Fish is only a projection of your spirit and your spirit is in danger of losing itself forever under the influence of Neptune. Like going on a psychedelic drug you’d need the help of another experienced Pisces to control the effects of this planet on you, someone that has gone through this kind of phase before and knows how to lead you through the visions and dreams you’ll have or you are at risk of getting lost forever in your fantasies.
CITY: Minneapolis DRINK: Ginger beer SEX: spanking