It’s not about doing more—it’s about doing it with intention. Here’s how to make every kiss and lick count.

The secret to deeper pleasure might just be taking your time. Here’s how to explore that together.

Slow Oral Sex Tips From a Sexologist to Deepen Intimacy

Slow Oral Sex Tips From a Sexologist

Let’s Talk About Oral (But Slower and More Intentional)

To say that lots of people enjoy oral sex sort of feels like the understatement of the year. Yet, as gratifying as it can be, we tend to sequester oral sex to the beginning or end of our encounters. As a sexologist and coach, I see so many clients who want to get better at giving oral—or receiving it—with their partner(s). But this takes a lot more than simply initiating oral more. 

If you're curious about expanding your oral repertoire beyond these slow oral sex tips, this 

 breaks things down with science-backed tips on how to pleasure vulva owners.

Faster Isn’t Always Better and Cumming Doesn’t Have to Be the Goal

Rushing through oral is second nature. Unless you’ve had a partner who really enjoys going down on you (or maybe you are said partner), odds are that oral has been brief. Let’s change that, shall we? This requires a few mental changes with explicit goals and communication. Let’s get into my go-to exercises for clients!

Slow Oral Isn’t a Step—It’s the Main Course

First, you have to be on the same page as your partner(s) about what you each want from an oral-sex-only session. 

What’s the goal? To cum? Nah, that’s too simple. Determine your clear-cut objective by discussing with your partner(s) what you each would like. And because it’s hard to speak with genitals in your mouth, I highly suggest discussing these things with clothes on, in a neutral space, alone with your partner(s). 

“I want [to go down on you/you to go down on me].”

“What if we made oral the main event, and we go down on each other for fun? How much time feels good for you?”

Setting the intention of oral-only can instantly shift things—it reframes oral sex from “just foreplay” into a full experience. While for some, putting a time constraint on pleasure can add pressure, for others, it creates a soft boundary that makes the whole thing feel more spacious and focused. When you know how long you’re playing in that space, it can be easier to drop in, let go, and enjoy it.

Plus, when there’s no pressure to move on to “the next thing,” you both get to stay present in the moment, play with pacing, and rediscover one another—mouth to body, breath to breath. Think of it as a pleasure detour, not a shortcut. And like any good adventure, it’s better when you’re both all in.

“How do you want me to make you feel when [I/you] go down?”

“How can I let you feel whole and seen during this experience?”

Why? This gives each partner agency over their own experience. Whether you know it or not, the first question contains coded language that assigns certain roles before the fun begins. Language like “make you…” or “give you…” puts ownness on both the giver to ‘provide’ and the receiver to ‘take’ something. If we change this subtly to “you” statements, we relieve the pressure of performance for ourselves and our partner(s). 

Want more on this? Check out Betty Martin’s 

Redefining What It Means to Be ‘Done’

“What’s one word to describe how you want to feel whenever we’re done?”

Also, being ‘done’ is relative. Many people who enjoy oral may not orgasm from it. But missing an orgasm doesn’t mean that it’s not a pleasurable experience. The number one complaint I get from clients about oral is not being able to read when their partner wants more mid-sex, or being able to communicate this themselves when receiving. You can take that pressure off by discussing when, where, and how oral sex will end for everyone, one that does not center on orgasm. Take time with your partner to talk this out; it can be challenging, but it’s not impossible!

Why Slow Oral Sex Can Be More Intense Than Penetration

People tend to think oral sex is less fulfilling or “not as difficult” as penetration. I don’t know where this lie began, but I do know it’s prevalent! Oral is extremely stimulating, sometimes more so than penetration, touching, or using toys.

Think about it. It’s skin-to-skin (or skin-to-barrier) contact using one’s mouth. This is essentially our most sensitive parts meeting each other—one has way more control with their mouth, more dexterity with their tongue, and more nuance with their lips than any toy or other body part.

Turn Up the Tongue: Creative Ways to Elevate Oral

Have you ever taken a good look at your partner’s genitals? Like, a really good look? Like, in a lineup of similar genitals, could you pick them out? (Kidding!) Folks tend to glaze over just how good it is to see the visual of genitals in your face. And for those receiving oral, know that your lover is looking at your parts from a lens of love and appreciation, never from judgment. Need help with this?

Take 2–3 minutes each to just look at each other’s genitals. No touching. No talking. Just presence. Take one another’s genitals fully in. Then switch. 

Share one thing you love about what you see. Be specific. Think: “Your labia look like a delicate painting.”  This builds trust, releases self-judgment, and lets each partner be seen without the pressure of pleasing. 

“Your dick gets me incredibly hard/wet.” 

Not only are these cliches, but they also lack the specificity that your partner desires from sharing a singular experience with you.

Try Genital Affirmations with Your Partner(s)

 provide your partner affirming statements about their body, specifically what you can see (and what they might not be aware of). Try saying:

“Your penis fits into my mouth perfectly.” 

“Your dick curves in the most delicious way.”

“Your folds look like velvet—I want to kiss them forever.”

 Ask your partner for affirmations. Odds are, if someone is going down on you, they have a bit of submission in them. Ask them to tell you how good it feels for them to go down on you. Not only will you feel more competent in your receiving role, but you’re also able to use the affirmations to remain grounded and in your power during the experience. Try saying:

“Tell me how much you love doing this to me.”

“What does it feel like to go down on me?”

Hum into your partner’s body during oral. Yes, really.

Keep it going until you feel it in your throat and chest.

That vibration in the throat created from humming is a game-changer in oral sex. If you’re going down, instead of resisting the urge to withhold that 

, let them go. Make them longer and deeper. Until you sense a rumble from your clavicle (throat chakra area), keep the hums going! This has a dual purpose because it can turn on the partner receiving oral.

Start with loud masturbation sessions to build confidence.

Watch louder porn to get used to real-time moaning.

Think of your moans as feedback, not a performance.

 where people get turned on by sounds—here’s why sound during sex matters so much, according to sex researchers. In the time of early humans, the sound of a lover’s moans (signifying pleasure) was meant to alert mates nearby and potentially induce competition for the most viable to have sex. Evolutionarily, we can break this down into louder sex = better sex.

Not so sure about getting louder in bed? I get it. Loud sex can feel performative. You can begin dipping your toe into auralism by watching porn together that's vocal, real, and pleasure-forward—say, 

 on Lustery. This way, it can normalize the sounds of oral sex for you. 

Next, start masturbating audibly—as in, moan for yourself when you give yourself pleasure. It may sound a little strange, but practice makes progress. Eventually, this will build confidence to try getting loud with partners during oral sex. Vocalizing your pleasure is a feral human need, which results in fuller orgasms and encourages partners if they are unsure about your pleasure. The vocal release alone is worth the investment.

Gag, Moan, Suck, Slurp—Own Every Decibel

Don’t be afraid to get sloppy with your oral sounds. The slurps, the tongue-thrashing, and moans escaping from you while going down can be a total turn-on for you and your partner. You love that gag sound? Gag it up! Make it intentional, too. If you are trying to be quiet while giving oral, it can inhibit certain motions. I believe any technique can be upgraded by embracing the sensual sound it makes to please your partner(s).

If you want to try this, tell your partner that you won’t be asking for verbal feedback during your oral session. Say that you’ll be concentrating on going down and enjoying the sounds created during, and that they can feel free to do the same.