Too close for comfort? More like nowhere near close enough. Sam’s Cat wonders how the principles of polyamory could benefit male bonding.


Closer, more emotionally fulfilling and loving relationships for men are possible – platonically! Looking at how polyamory can help nurture multiple meaningful relationships may help men build better friendships.

How the Principles of Polyamory Can Expand Male Friendships by Sam’s Cat From Shrimp Teeth

Reimagining Male Friendship Through Polyamory

Contrary to mass media portrayal, polyamory is about more than just sex; it’s about creating deep connections with many people. As a lesbian, it’s standard practice to have lots of close friendships (including with exes, metamours, and current fuck buddies). In case you haven’t noticed, gay women love to hang in packs! Our circles, though at times cliquey, tend to solidify through 

. For those of us who are also polyamorous, the line between platonic and romantic bonds often blurs. Queer platonic relationships exist in the grey area between lovers and friends. These committed partnerships offer companionship and rich emotional intimacy (plus optional bonking). Unfortunately, I’ve noticed that very few straight men have comparable friendships.

It’s no secret that a majority of straight men have a deficit of emotionally close friendships. I’m definitely not the first person to point this out— there are a bunch of articles (

Men Have No Friends and Women Bear the Burden

) that have touched on this issue. The conclusion is pretty much the same: that men aren’t encouraged to be vulnerable, so their friendships with other men (if they have any) tend to remain surface-level. Instead of having a broad network of support and connection, straight men tend to rely solely on their romantic partner for emotional intimacy, often overburdening the relationship. The lack of close male friendships has a negative impact on mental health, since we all thrive and grow within our closest connections.

We’re at a turning point where men’s emotional wellness is being taken more seriously and the expectations of masculinity are being revised. It has become evident that emotional suppression has a devastating impact both individually and collectively. As men are being asked to challenge 

 and to show more vulnerably, it’s vital that they have a circle of trusted people to facilitate this growth. It shouldn’t be radical to suggest that men deserve to have plenty of support and love in their lives, especially from other men. 

There’s absolutely nothing strange about people of the same gender being committed to each other. It’s ludicrous to expect growth while suffocating men of affection, connection, and gentleness from other men. Plus, romantic relationships fair better when we have loyal friends. Good friends give us an avenue to grow into our best selves. Despite these cultural shifts, it can still be difficult to understand how to form meaningful friendships. Part of the issue is that friendships just aren’t prioritized. But perhaps an even larger problem is that 

 has erased the opportunity for couples to genuinely love people other than their partners. 

It shouldn’t be radical to suggest that men deserve to have plenty of support and love in their lives, especially from other men.

, a large majority initially tell me their interest in non-monogamy is primarily sexual. And that’s perfectly valid – I'm pro-casual sex! But interestingly, as our peer support sessions unfurl, it becomes apparent they crave emotional closeness too. Most of the men I talk to are deeply reflective, but seem to lack the opportunities to open up frequently enough to feel comfortable doing so with anyone other than their partners.

 I’ve come to suspect that a lot of folks actually need an emotionally intimate friendship, but find it easier to ask only for sex. Many of the guys I talk to seem to find it easier to hook up because they have a familiar script for this interaction, even if they seem somewhat underwhelmed by those experiences over time. When I ask them about establishing a deep friendship with another man, many seem uncomfortable and have no clear vision for such a relationship. My hunch is that if folks had deep friendships, they would feel more supported and, as a result, would have an easier time navigating intimacy within a sexual context.

. Having multiple relationships at once presents a wide range of emotional and communication challenges. Men are not exempt from these difficulties – quite the contrary. In the privacy and relative anonymity of peer support sessions, men open up about feelings of inadequacy, jealousy and inability to communicate their feelings with the folks they’re dating. I’m always surprised to hear that their primary form of processing is internal. Many don’t have friends to talk to about what they’re going through. 

While I love being someone that they feel comfortable sharing with, peer support is still a professional relationship. I stress the importance of establishing reciprocal friendships where they feel comfortable having the same level of openness as they do with me. My service gives them a space to learn how to talk about things that are emotionally charged; I provide a listening ear. However, friendship forces you to also swap roles, which is a necessary skill if you want to sustain relationships long-term. Learning to hold space for each other is an essential element of developing authentic relationships.

There’s a difference between having a buddy and a friend. We all need people with whom we can casually interact, do activities and disconnect. Casual buddies are, by and large, the standard form of friendships that straight men have access to. However, when we’re dealing with relational problems, having intimate friends that we confide in allows us to work through our thoughts so we can show up with a clearer head. If guys don’t have these close friends, it’s no wonder that polyamory feels strenuous or can never be anything more than a series of superficial flings.

It’s essential for men (and all of us, more broadly) to view friendships as equally valuable to other forms of relationships. Our friends are very important people, and they deserve similar amounts of effort and respect as we give our romantic partners. Friends are the folks that we choose to be with just because we like each other. We can have friends who truly see us for who we are. Best friends generally have no social or legal pressure to stay, therefore they teach us how to be our best selves in service to the relationship.

It’s essential for men (and all of us, more broadly) to view friendships as equally valuable to other forms of relationships.

Polyamory can help us create the type of relational structure that allows many simultaneous partnerships to exist. We understand that we need to split our time between numerous people. We understand that we need to attend to the needs of many partners. This philosophy, therefore, helps lay a strong foundation for sustaining close platonic relationships. Research by Jeffrey A. Hall suggests we need to invest a minimum of 200 hours into a friendship for it to become serious. If men want friendships, they first need to spend time with other men. They also need to be open to falling in platonic love with other men. This means that men need to stop being scared of 

; for many, this means challenging toxic masculinity and homophobia. 

Polyamory helps folks navigate all these issues by providing alternate ideas about how to relate to people. If you’re coming from a compulsory monogamous perspective, it might seem weird to spilt your time equally between your best friend and your partner, to outwardly tell your bro that you love him, to share certain types of physical touch, or to spend meaningful holidays together. But from a polyamorous lens, these would be completely normal behaviors, and would actually allow the type of vulnerability and intimacy that is necessary to form deep relationships, even if they’re platonic.

Another exciting aspect of polyamory is that metamours – our lover’s lover – provide a unique relational structure for male friendships to develop. If your wife or girlfriend is dating another man, this person can become a close friend. While male metamours are often stereotypically shown as combative, I’ve heard many guys tell me they genuinely like and find their meta attractive. Many long-term open relationships practice ‘kitchen table polyamory’, where all partners in a polycule hang out together. While it’s typically assumed that women will develop closer relationships with their metamours, this shouldn’t be the default assumption. Straight men can be friends with their metamours; they can even be in triads or quads together. The limit of male relationships exists wherever the people involved feel comfortable – there’s no script that should limit the closeness between men.

The limit of male relationships exists wherever the people involved feel comfortable – there’s no script that should limit the closeness between men.

Polyamory isn’t just about having multiple sexual partners; it’s about challenging the limits we’ve culturally placed on how we relate to others. Currently, most men don’t have the freedom or tools to develop intimate friendships with other men. Adopting some of the lessons from polyamory allows us to reimagine the potential of male friendships. Above all, everyone deserves to be around people who like them, support them, and want to truly know them, regardless of the 