Take your sexting game from ‘lol’ to ‘OMG', a writer’s guide to sexting…

Push My Buttons

Take your sexting game from ‘lol’ to ‘OMG’… 

Hi, my name is Annie and my two favourite things are writing and fucking. Seemingly, they’re two vastly divergent activities. One typically rejects things essential to the other, like company and personal hygiene. One is messy, gross, intimate and exposes all your vulnerabilities, and the other, well, it’s just sex, right? Yet smack in the middle of the Venn diagram of things I love, somewhere between prose and pounding, I’ve found the key to a fire sexting game.  

It’s the first commandment of writing and it’s definitely the first commandment of sexting. This isn’t about literally knowing them though, in case it’s not obvious,some level of flirting should definitely already be established. It’s about the fact that generic cut-and-paste smut that could’ve been sent to anyone in your address book is about as arousing as reading a cereal box. 

If they're wordy people, focus on the wordplay more than the obscenity. If you know them to be filth-wizards, by all means, go in with the rimming talk. Compliment them and be specific. ‘Thinking about how good your ass looked in those shorts you were wearing when you came over the other day is making me squirm’ is simple yet still somehow makes ‘Hey, what u wearing?’ sound like unimaginative baby babble.  

Not that asking questions doesn’t have its place…  

Besides, even the most brilliant writers can use a little inspiration from time to time. If you’re only just getting to know the recipient of R-rated iMessages, asking about their fantasies can be a great starting point and allows them to set the tone and intensity of your exchange. 

The only thing that has the ability to be wankier than actual wanking is writing. This, however, is not a solo performance – it’s a conversation. If you’re only sexting someone to get yourself off, have you heard of porn? 

A good narrative sets you up for a climax. So does good sex. Sexting benefits best from a build-up, so set the scene and build up the excitement. This is your opportunity to share your fantasies and create veritable poetry out of the filthy shit you’d surely stutter over aloud. I still remember getting so worked up over the course of a day as I described to someone on the other side of the world how I wanted to wake him up early one morning before work with my breath, rapid and shallow with excitement, hot against his cock.  

How I wanted to tease and lick him into the same state of wakefulness until he was so hard and hungry that he’d grab a handful of my hair and force my face down onto him. I described in detail how wet I was getting thinking of his cum filling my mouth and imagining him lifting my face by the chin, looking me in the eye, and telling me I’d better not swallow, that he still wanted to see his cum on my tongue at the end of the day and how I’d go to the office smirking, silent and wet with the taste of him reminding me of what was waiting for me later. Though hey, if you can share what gets you breathless with an eggplant emoji and a winky face, be my guest. 

One of the great things about sex is that it pretty much allows you to make your own rules based on what feels good and right but you know where you don’t get to make the rules? Motherfucking writing. I don’t care how nerdy it sounds to say that good grammar is sexy, I will die on this hill. 

You don’t have to be George R.R. Martin to get your sexting partner coming like winter (I sincerely apologise for that – do as I say, not as I do). Sometimes the best stories are the true ones. If your fantasy fodder feels lacklustre, describe what you loved about your last real encounter with them. The devil is in the details. 

You’re not Shakespeare and you’re not E.L. James. Unless you want your steamy messages to be 50 shades of awkward, put down the thesaurus and back away slowly. Being shy about articulating your fantasies is one thing but don’t call your genitals anything in writing that you couldn’t say without blushing. You still want to sound like you. 

Procrastination is a writer’s worst habit, which is all very well when you’ve only got an editor waiting. Waiting too long to respond is a mood killer – you don’t need to play it cool, you’re sexting. 

Who called them unsolicited dick pics and not junk mail? Seriously, you’ve put all this effort into the words, don’t fuck up the pictures now. 

Only send nudes if you’re 100% certain they’re not going to be met by your recipient with a shriek and them flinging their phone across the room. 

I'm not saying that your steamy WhatsApps or whatever have to be Pulitzer Prize worthy or that you have to know what a gerund is (hint: it’s not a sex thing) but unless you’re my dad and have only just got your first smart phone, these days the way you text is a pretty good indicator of your communication skills. And the way you sext, well, let’s just say that it’s good to know that my hours of sweating away in the dark have not been wasted…  