It’s an increasingly-acknowledged truth that sex isn’t all about penetration. In fact, the long-standing myth that ‘sex’ refers to penile penetration only has been exposed as misogynistic bullshit. Like gender itself, this restrictive and wildly outdated definition of sex is a societal sham, designed to benefit straight cis men, and straight cis men only.
Times have changed, right? We know about the orgasm gap. We know that the vast majority of cis women don’t cum through penetration alone; that licking, sucking, fingering and clitoral stimulation are, for many people, key components of a satisfying, orgasmic fuck. Thanks to queer theorists and critical sex educators, we know that treating ‘sex’ as synonymous with ‘penis-in-vagina intercourse’ props up the homophobic notion that sex is only valid if it’s reproductive.
Licking, sucking, fingering and clitoral stimulation are, for many people, key components of a satisfying, orgasmic fuck.
Despite all this questioning, one term often escapes unexamined: foreplay.
In the early 1700s, philosopher George Berkeley asked a question that’s been debated for centuries: if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? It’s a thought experiment that’s been pondered by scholars and stoned existentialists alike, designed to provoke introspection about physics and –– most importantly –– the meaning of language. Here’s a horny twist on Berkeley’s classic: if you leisurely go down on your partner and eat them out until they cum in your mouth, does this class as foreplay? What about rimming? Maybe you love being spanked, and the repeated thud of a paddle on your bare butt cheeks is enough to make you reach a shuddering climax. What then?
These questions might seem picky and pointless on the surface. Who cares how we talk about fucking as long as we’re enjoying the actual fucking, right?
But the way we talk about sex speaks volumes. Globally, there are laws which criminalize some kinds of sex, but not others. Religions and societies create strict morality codes which center the notion that virginity equals purity, but what even constitutes losing your virginity? Did I lose mine when I was 15 years old, during my first blow job? Or did it happen when I was 18 years old and a guy clumsily tried to jam his dry dick into my butthole? Have I even lost my virginity at all if I’ve never had anything other than queer sex?
What even constitutes losing your virginity? Have I even lost my virginity at all if I’ve never had anything other than queer sex?
Bigger, more existential questions aside, the way we talk about foreplay is seriously limiting our sexual imaginations. “The ‘fore’ in foreplay implies that it comes before something else,” says Jess, resident sexpert at online sex shop So Divine. “Traditionally, that ‘something else’ is penetrative sex, usually involving a penis.”
The world doesn’t revolve around dicks, yet the way we talk about sex often does. In Jess’s eyes, the mere notion of foreplay is limiting for several reasons, largely because it “negates any sort of sex” which doesn’t include penile penetration. “Most lesbians don’t have a penis in their relationship or use a strap-on, but I can assure you they're still having sex!” And no, that doesn’t just mean scissoring, despite what mainstream lesbian porn might show us.
The notion of foreplay similarly feeds into the idea that sex should follow a set routine, which can feel pretty intimidating. Not everyone wants penetration, for countless reasons. Some are practical, like vaginismus, a condition which causes the vagina to tighten, making penetration sometimes painful. Others are psychological, like sexual trauma. Sometimes, we just want to mix things up. Maybe we feel like being fingered or engaging in some hot-and-heavy mutual masturbation. By framing everything but penetration as foreplay that inevitably has to lead to penetration, saying that you actually just want to be dry-humped can feel like shattering some sort of unspoken expectation.
Jess points out that this linear thinking insinuates that anything labelled ‘foreplay’ can’t be revisited later on. “This is a shame,” she laments, “because couples who do engage in penetration report enjoying longer, more pleasurable sex when they mix things up and pause to enjoy oral or manual sex mid-session.” Not only is foreplay a notion that treats everything other than straight sex as illegitimate, it can make life pretty boring for straight couples too.
Not only is foreplay a notion that treats everything other than straight sex as illegitimate, it can make life pretty boring for straight couples too.
By now, we know that pressure to climax can make sex stressful. It can cause us to fake orgasms, panic about drooping erections (which are often nothing to worry about) and feel inadequate, like a sexual failure. “There’s a belief that orgasm is the objective of sex,” says Charlotte Johnson, resident sexpert at online sex shop MegaPleasure. “Really, it’s just an added bonus.” In her eyes, the acts we dismiss as foreplay can allow sexual partners to “form a deeper understanding and intimacy”. Everything from dirty talk to heavy petting can be hot as fuck, prolonging sexual pleasure rather than racing to an orgasmic finish line.
So, that foreplay trick to blow your partner’s mind? Question everything you think about foreplay! Why should the likes of making out, dry-humping, hand jobs and oral sex be boxed into quick 10-minute time slots with the eventual aim being to fuck? There is some logic to calling it foreplay, because it gets us hot, horny and wet –– and when it comes to penetration, wetter is better. But that doesn’t mean we should relegate entire swathes of sexual contact to ‘starter’ status.
So, that foreplay trick to blow your partner’s mind? Question everything you think about foreplay!
The more we abandon these notions, the more we acknowledge that sex covers a whole spectrum of fucking, using tongues, fingers, toys and whatever else you fancy. Treat each of these horny acts as a main course all of their own and you’ll be guaranteed a damn good time.
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