ARIES. Your year starts in March.
There’s a high risk of losing your keys inside a sewer this month. Make a copy and give it to your neighbor before you find yourself alone… in the rain… calling your ex for shelter.
TAURUS. Around the middle of April.
Starting this month, Uranus – the planet ruling your sign until 2026 – is going retrograde. Everybody is very excited about it. The party will take place at your house, of course. Get ready to host the event.
GEMINI. You know when your birthday is.
Everybody knows about your creepy side. What about showing off a little bit more of your charming side? Thank you very much.
CANCER. A little in June, a little in July.
Your opposite signs are not your enemies and you should stop thinking like that. Probably an Aquarius made your lunch today, a Capricorn is paying your salary, or an Aries is educating your children.
The word to finally dominate the whole world, the one that will give you everything you have ever dreamt of is… Mereketengue.
VIRGO. Starting autumn.
You will fall in love with a jacket this autumn. It will be a beautiful, strong, and polyamorous relationship. A month later, you will meet a lovely sweater matching perfectly with a pair of trousers. The skirt will join you all after Christmas, and all together you’ll fall head-over-heels for those sexy sneakers posing in that window.
LIBRA. Slightly more into autumn…
If you consider yourself shy, try this: Close your eyes and try to remember the attitude you show when you walk to the toilet. Forget the hurry. Focus on the feeling of knowing where you are going and what are you going to do. It’s clear; that’s your power.
SAGITTARIUS. I don’t care, really.
It doesn’t matter if you have the best collection of stones according to your sign. Stones must be cleaned and cared for in order to make their magic. Otherwise, they’re just shiny things.
CAPRICORN. I just hope your birthday is not Xmas day.
In 2014, Zack Danger Brown obtained more than $55,000 in his crowdfunding campaign to make a potato salad. Contrary to what everybody thinks, the salad was not for himself. He actually wanted to feed a special Canadian tiger who only eats potatoes.
AQUARIUS. Why do you care?
Never wear synthetic fabrics if traveling to space. Some aliens are allergic to nylon, polyester, spandex, acetate, and the perilous wooly acrylic. Just one touch and they will suffer terrible injuries. Pure cotton though? That’s cool.
PISCES. Whatever’s fine with you.
If you think you have to be implacable towards somebody, I’m sure you have a reason. However, don’t make them suffer as you do. That’ll be too much.