Ms. Blah’s Monthly Horoscope – April

Category: Horoscopes

Author: Maria Blah

aries

ARIES – Cumbia

Remember the lyrics “Four to the floor/ I was sure/ never seen clear…”? Well, they were talking about the rhythm of the music, not about how many people were literally on the floor. It’s a pop song, not the chronicles of your last sex party.

taurus

TAURUS – Liquid Drum & Bass

You get mad when your best friend buys expensive stuff, as they should be ‘saving money’ for whatever emergency. However, friends share things. Do not be envious. Even if it’s a dildo, you can still borrow it from your friend. Just put a condom on and it will be safe.

gemini

GEMINI – Latin House

You have a secret and I know what it is: Your butt is always cold. If you suffer from CBS (cold butt syndrome), you are not alone. There are many people that, like you, can’t get their butts even to room temperature. There is a Change.org petition to demand woolen underwear that you can sign. Support this movement even if you have a normative butt temperature.

cancer

CANCER – Lambada

You don’t need to be the paladin of etiquette… but if you’d stop making so much noise when you eat, that would be wonderful. That’s every time you eat except when you’re eating ramen or genitals. There, I can accept, a little noise is inevitable.

leo

LEO – Rockabilly

People who have a nice attitude towards you but, on the contrary, a terrible one towards other people might have some reasons for it. Some of them may have left them without cumming at some point. You never know who’s toxic is until you find them in ecstasy.

virgo

VIRGO – Bolognese

A tip for how to distinguish, well, distinguished people: if they have quality condoms or good food for their cats, you can be sure you’re in the right place. If they live with a dog and buy quality animal feed, it’s also acceptable, but there’s always that chance the dog eats your underwear. #choosecats, they only vomit.

libra

LIBRA – Polka

Every family is dysfunctional, and when ready, you will have your own. If you’re not ready, it’ll be even more dysfunctional – so even better! Have no fear of dumping your life (and others) in the WC at any moment!

scorpio

SCORPIO – Dark Salsa

Living spiders from the Amazonas are not a good present for anybody’s birthday. First, it is – or should be – a crime to take species out of their natural habitat. And second… what the hell is wrong with you, Scorpio? Flowers, chocolates, a beautiful notebook, a night in Tunisia, 300 condoms – anything is better than a living spider!

sag

SAGITTAURUS – Russian Trap

“Greeting the customer and trying to establish a personal connection” doesn’t mean you have to marry their son or daughter. It’s been centuries since castles were sold ‘people included’; nothing is arranged by marriage, especially by child marriage.

cpricorn

CAPRICORN – Bulería

Want to feel what it’s like to sit on a cake but you’re male and this is supposed to be a ‘girly’ fetish thing? Just do it! A cake doesn’t care who the fuck you are or what’s between your legs. Just a few precautions: blow out the candles first or remove the wedding dolls on top before your butt meets the soft creamy surface. Enjoy.

aquarius

AQUARIUS – Nu Jazz

April is a great month to invest in porn. Renew your subscription to Lustery, and don’t forget to follow our creators at their sexy but safe for work profiles. Safe for work? Yes! Safe for work! Otherwise, they’re banned from everywhere, dear friend! Support Your Local Pornographers.

pisces

PISCES – Grunge and City Pop

There is a woman in Napoli who can tell the future looking at your dish after eating spaghetti… however, that’s not the most amazing thing she can do. To contact her, send an email to yourfutureisafetuccini@pastaflora.com. She’ll have a conversation with you through a lasagna they’ll send you by post. And they have a vegan option.

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