Ms Blah Monthly Horoscope - November

ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 19

I received a letter from your lawyer. Did you really try to sue me because my last prediction was not a prediction, according to you? You dare to doubt my professionalism! This is outrageous. November is the month you will see my power. 

TAURUS Apr 20 - May 21

You will betray yourself having sex with somebody slightly racist and not sufficiently feminist. It will feel good, but you’llfeel guilty. For your own good, I hope it's a one night lover. (These are the toxic people everybody is talking about!).

GEMINI May 21 - Jun 20

Best jobs for a Gemini, according to a study of the South Smithsonian Zodiac institute, are: content writer for turtle food websites, marketeer for second-hand dildos, a journalist in a local newspaper, folk musician, or tour guide in Chernobyl. Or all in one! You are a known multitasker. Just remember not to feed the turtles with Chernobyl grass. We don’t want to see the Ukrainian edition of the Ninja Turtles.

CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 22

Treating your pet as if it were a person is confusing for others. It's bewildering when they hear ‘I was sleeping with Peter and he farted so hard he woke me up.’ Are we talking about your dog or about your flatulent boyfriend? Clarity matters.

LEO Jul 23 - Aug 22

You owe me some money, dear. Unless you pay me there is no prediction for you. Stars know, planets know, and some friends of mine probably know too. Pay me.

VIRGO Aug 23 - Sep 22 

Everybody has a friend who doesn’t know what is a break in a sentence or a comma, but not Virgos. Nope. Spelling is important. How can you trust somebody that doesn’t know how to write properly in their mother tongue? Come on.

LIBRA Sep 23- Oct 22

Have you ever experienced the pleasure of petting two cats at the same time? it’s indescribable. So good. Put a cat in your life. Put three.

SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21

Scorpio, it’s your season, shine dark, spread your magicalenergy around this corrupted world to make it even more corrupted. Be the monarch of your life. This is the time for you to cast a spell on others and get what you want. I just ask you: please, don’t hurt them...too much. 

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21

Your sign will be a big part of the Scorpio season this year. No planets are visiting your house. I know this can be disturbing to you, but this is your time to be truly free.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19

Dear Cap, you are doing so well. Since Saturn has been in your house you have improved alot of things you hate about yourself. It is about to depart but has already planted a seed for you to be a better person.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 18

Callyour Libra friend and have fun together but don’t forget your Gemini friend or they will tell Libra what you said. Maybe you are not worried because you know what Gemini did with ‘that’ Leo but try not to mess everything up like when you forget to invite Libra to the party you went to with Gemini.

PISCES Feb 19 - March 20

By the end of the month, you willsee how, on the floor of your home, between the wood, some Christmas roses will start to bloom. It means The Spirit of Christmas has chosen your apartment to spend the season. Treat her well. She likes candy and white warm towels.