Want to know what January has in store for you? Ms Blah has all the astrological wisdom to help you make it through the new year.

Love & Relationships Horoscopes: January 2021

Ms Blah Monthly Horoscope - January

Careful with all that energy you've been saving throughout 2020. If you misuse it you could cause a disaster akin to the explosion in Akira. If you don’t already, go to the gym. A little cross-ﬁt could be good for you. People usually get obsessed with that shit so that could be you too. Dancing is also an option. 

RITUAL FOR 2021: Listen to vaporware in your spare time, but never whilst driving or using knives. 

In 2020, you fought your demons and this year you will discover the bodies you left on the battle ﬁeld. Some will be easy to ﬁnd, perhaps even rescue, however for others it will be far too late. Their faces will slowly fade from memory until one day they will be nothing but shadows in your mind. The saddest thing is that you cared.  

RITUAL FOR 2021: Pick up your phone with one hand. Touch the screen and call your friend.  

Mercury, the planet of communication and tech, and Venus, the planet of love and beauty, both visit your house by May 2021. You are in danger of buying the next iPhone or Playstation 5.  

RITUAL FOR 2021: Make a backup of all ﬁles on your hard drives. 

All your summer plans for last year were destroyed by the pandemic and you're still mourning it. Dear Cancer, let it go, let it go.  

It’s not like music is dead forever, soon you will be dancing again, sandwiched sweating between drunk and high people. I promise you. 

RITUAL FOR 2021: Wait until February 2nd. Go to your parents' and dance naked to Britney in the bathroom like it's the good old days. 

People know when you are on a video call you only look at yourself. Narcissus, you are fascinated with your own image, you even match your clothes with the background of your living room. 

RITUAL FOR 2021: Paint a self-portrait with edible paint and lick it clean. 

Dear Virgo, cups don’t need a sweater or scarf to keep warm. Furthermore, it’s confusing for your ﬂatmates. They don’t know whether to wash them in the sink or washing machine. In Spain, we call it 'un desastre'. 

RITUAL FOR 2021: Throw a muﬃn to the ﬂoor. Count to three, then pick it up and eat it.  

If new music genres arrive to bless our ears in 2021 it's most likely you won't appreciate them because you have taste in music. There’s no way to ﬁx this, honey. Spend no money on music lessons or dancing, it’s totally worthless to you. 

RITUAL FOR 2021: Learn how to sing Happy Birthday. 

You've been waiting for 2021 to see some changes but you're looking in the wrong direction, you should be the one that makes changes around here. Try not to lie to your friends, especially your friend Pisces. They are awaiting your call (you know how dependent they can be). Spend time with them, make them feel important. 

RITUAL FOR 2021: Learn how to spell the word EMPATHY. 

Never tell anybody where you are at. Enable the ubiquity function on your phone, set every messenger service to ghost mode. Nobody should know if you are working or on holidays. Remember nobody can ﬁnd you unless you want them to. 

RITUAL FOR 2021: Change the IP of your devices, dry your hair and don’t talk - they can recognize feelings in your voice. 

On January 12th God himself will be looking at you. Don’t miss the occasion to ask what you really wanted to know: Did he direct the last Mad Max movie? 

RITUAL FOR 2021: Take a bath in a tub full of money. If you are going to use some water, remember not to put notes in. 

The stars say that in 2021, you will experience a period of personal growth. What they don’t say, is that you will have to instate a diet to not grow too much. 

RITUAL FOR 2021: Send me money. Between 2000 and 5000 euros will be ﬁne. 

Dear Pisces, make a boat with all your feelings and set it adrift across the vast ocean of tears you dropped in 2020. Neptune and Saturn are by your side, one makes you sleepy and the other keeps you awake. Combine them in periods of 8 hours. 

RITUAL FOR 2021: Sunbathe for five minutes a day with an apple in one hand and black paper in the other. Breathe deeply. 