ARIES Mar 21 – Apr 19
When stars let us know our future, do you think they give us the possibility of change or, on the contrary, are our destinies written out without any possibility for us to take action?
TAURUS Apr 20 – May 20
Give French music a try. You can start with Ichon (Muddy Monk c’est trop cool aussi) and the algorithm will do the rest. If, after your research, you have any suggestions, let me know.
GEMINI Mar 21 – Jun 20
Some astrologers affirm that each sign is an evolved version of the one before it. Unfortunately, your prior sign is Taurus. I know you hate it. Let’s focus on the 60 percent compatibility in communication and intellect. Maybe you can found a start-up together or something like that.
CANCER Jun 21 – Jul 22
I know and you know that ‘biodegradable plastic’ is a fallacy if you apply it to make single-use things. I can understand that it had to be very tempting for you to buy all that stuff for your small party at home. Please, try to avoid it next time. Make your flatmates do the cleaning instead.
LEO Jul 23 – Aug 22
How you see yourself is considerably different from what others are perceiving about you. Hang a mirror in your bedroom somewhere close to the bed to understand what I’m trying to say. Please, cooperate.
VIRGO Aug 23 – Sep 22
Mercury and Venus will be dancing together in your house on August 19th. Prepare something nice – they haven’t seen each other for some time. If you have kids or pets, they should go to grandma. After the dance, the planets may get a little explicit.
LIBRA Sep 23 – Oct 22
Showing off in front of your friends about how much sex you have should be considered animal torture. You could end up in jail or doing forced labor in a nuclear center for years, depending on the country. Do not mistake being deluded with confidence.
SCORPIO Oct 23 – Nov 21
Summer is not the season for tattooing. I say it every year to a different sign but you never listen.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 – Dec 21
Okay, you farted once. So what? Nobody remembers it, and if they do, they are total psychopaths. Leave the room now.
CAPRICORN Dec 22 – Jan 19
Leave your fantasies in bed and, whatever you do, do not take them to your job. Unless your job is your fantasy, which might be your case. Just try not to make it really awkward for your workmates.
AQUARIUS Jan 20 – Feb 18
You are terrified of falling in love with someone from a different astrological element, yet you have nothing to fear. Take it as an opportunity to evolve. Like the dinosaurs into birds, not like Bulbasaur into Venusaur or Charmander into Charmeleon. That’s growing up for you.
PISCES Feb 19- Mar 20
Sometimes you don’t sleep because problems are like mathematical equations for your mind: as long as you don’t have the solution, you won’t stop thinking about it. Here is a ritual you can do: go to therapy. Every Thursday. I think six months will be enough.