How monogamous couples can engage with their individual sexuality without shame or breaking agreements 

Sex Educator Sam from Shrimp Teeth explains how couples can make a relationship contract from defining boundaries to setting expectations. 

How to Make a Relationship Contract

Why Monogamous Couples Should Consider a Relationship Contract

The definition of cheating is different for couples. Texting someone of the opposite sex can be cheating. Watching porn can be cheating. Kissing someone else can be cheating. Going to the strip club can be cheating. Emotional affairs can be cheating. Or not. Monogamous couples have different preferences around fidelity. Relationship contracts define how couples remain committed to each other. 

Traditional monogamous relationship contracts are commitments between partners to remain exclusive to each other emotionally, romantically, and sexually. Agreements are meant to set expectations and boundaries regarding fidelity. However, many couples bypass the important step of defining fidelity, assuming their partner holds the same definition as them. Agreements that are based on an assumed understanding of cheating, rather than a shared and explicitly defined set of behaviors, are easy to break. Unfortunately, some couples end up talking about cheating for the first time when someone has violated a misunderstood boundary rather than having proactive conversations.  

Agreements are meant to set expectations and boundaries regarding fidelity. However, many couples bypass the important step of defining fidelity, assuming their partner holds the same definition as them. 

Monogamous agreements are usually outlined by a familiar cultural script. This script states that sexual behaviors are only permissible between the couple to foster a sense of trust and security. Traditionally, any sexual encounter— fantasy, flirtation, or experience outside of the confines of the relationship—is seen as a transgression. But not every couple expects their entire sexuality to be expressed with their partner. Many modern monogamous couples would feel that their personal freedom was being restricted if they weren’t allowed to masturbate, watch porn, go to strip clubs, casually flirt online, or participate in other autonomous sexual expressions. In contrast, other monogamous couples balk at the idea of engaging in any of those behaviors while they’re in a relationship. Not everyone who is monogamous holds the same boundaries around sex, even if mainstream monogamous advice seems to flatten and exclude these differences. And thus, a mismatch of expectations can easily occur, especially early on in a partnership. 

Trust is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, but the specific steps that each partner takes to prioritize each other's emotional and physical well-being differ from couple to couple. Certain people are reactive to their partner showing any form of sexual interest towards someone else. While other folks don’t feel threatened by their partner expressing their individual sexuality, so long as they continue to foster intimacy together. People who fall into the former group tend to be the loudest and strictest when it comes to setting monogamous expectations around fidelity. I’ve certainly been scolded more than once by monogamous zealots who are inflamed by the mere suggestion that a partner could be sexually interested in someone else while still honoring the agreements they’ve made. Fortunately, I’m not addressing people who have very conservative views around relationships - I’m here to offer expansive possibilities to people who like to have freedom within their dyadic partnerships. 

Monogamous relationship agreements require a level of commitment and loyalty from both partners but that doesn’t necessarily need to be expressed through 

controlling or restricting your partner’s sexuality

. Being clear about what each person considers to be a reasonable amount of sexual, emotional, and romantic exclusivity allows these agreements to actually be maintained. There are tons of behaviors that constitute expressions of individual sexuality because they don’t require your partner’s participation. These behaviors in themselves don’t prohibit sexual exclusivity between partners. The mere act of arousal doesn’t threaten the security of a relationship unless the relationship is insecure. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have agreements that reflect your preferences - you should. 

Monogamous relationship agreements require a level of commitment and loyalty from both partners but that doesn’t necessarily need to be expressed through controlling or restricting your partner’s sexuality.

Emotional, romantic, or sexual exclusivity: is one more important than the other? 

It’s easy for compulsory monogamy to trick us into believing there are default preferences for fidelity agreements, but that doesn’t account for the variable nature of humans. Functional relationship agreements are a reflection of the realistic compromises of the couple’s preferences. For example, if two people enjoy watching porn and masturbating separately, it’s unreasonable that they would expect this behavior to constitute a violation of exclusivity. Some monogamous people prioritize emotional or romantic exclusivity over sexual, and would be fine with their partner engaging in certain behaviors like going to strip clubs, kissing, or even hooking up with others but would feel tremendously betrayed if their partner began an emotional affair. Others can’t even conceptualize what would constitute an emotional affair because their definition of cheating only pertains to sex. These differences are not trivial when it comes to actually upholding agreements. 

While it’s important to tweak the compulsory monogamous relationship agreements to provide a functional framework for fidelity, it also requires ongoing communication and effort to uphold. Even when a couple is clear and aligned on their definition of cheating, partners may encounter temptations that test their boundaries. It’s always easier to assume you will unwaveringly uphold agreements when you set them than when you’re presented with a situation that tests you. Unfortunately, monogamous people often have more shame than their non-monogamous counterparts when they experience a natural attraction to others. It’s important to recognize that there’s a difference between experiencing attraction and breaking an agreement. Allowing ourselves and our partners the ability to experience the attraction while upholding our boundaries is the entire point of having these conversations. Through honest communication and mutual understanding, couples can navigate obstacles and reaffirm their commitment to each other. 

Common challenges of relationship contracts 

Challenges to monogamous relationship agreements commonly arise from sources such as external influences, internal struggles, and relationship dynamics. Often we overlook how not having the ability to voice disagreement about the expectations early on can also set us up to cheat. It’s not unusual for one person in a couple to have more conservative attitudes towards fidelity than the other. Due to the nature of compulsory monogamy, the person with looser expectations may not feel like they have a right to honestly negotiate agreements that would be more reasonable for them. For example, compulsory monogamy often stigmatizes strip clubs or commonly frames them as an extravagant experience that’s only acceptable for a bachelor/ette party. People who regularly frequent strip clubs when they’re single may feel pressure to stop once they’re in a relationship rather than negotiate fidelity agreements that include this preference. It’s easy to see how this suppression of your individual sexual expression can turn into shame. The assumption that monogamy supersedes individual sexual expression is rarely challenged by mainstream relationship advice. 

At this point, it’s worth noting that temptations are not automatically a threat to the security of a relationship. Temptations can manifest in different forms, ranging from emotional connections with others to physical attractions or opportunities for infidelity. Social media, workplace interactions, and personal friendships can become potential triggers for temptation, challenging the boundaries of monogamous agreements. Furthermore, individual vulnerabilities, such as low self-esteem or unmet desires, can intensify the allure of temptation, making it difficult to resist. And while temptation can test our resolution to uphold our relationship agreements, their mere presence doesn’t indicate that a partner will transgress. Often it’s unmanaged jealousy and control exerted by the other partner that is far more damaging. To accuse a partner of breaking an agreement for merely experiencing attraction or temptation sets a precedent of shame and sneakiness. 

Even people with well-thought-out fidelity agreements will encounter occasional hurdles. Effective communication is paramount in navigating challenges and temptations within monogamous relationships. Partners must openly discuss their feelings, concerns, and boundaries to maintain trust and transparency. By addressing potential triggers and vulnerabilities, couples can strengthen their connection and reinforce their commitment to each other. Trust is built through honesty, empathy, and active listening, allowing partners to support each other through difficult times. While it can be hard to deal with spicy feelings when our partner discloses crushes, expressions of their individual sexuality, or anything else that challenges exclusivity, 

 can be the best way to move through these issues productively. This may feel like an uncomfortable reality but the chance of being cheated on does decrease if a relationship allows open discussions of temptation without shame or blame. Often people cheat simply because they don’t feel like they can openly negotiate their fidelity agreements to reflect their changing needs.  

By addressing potential triggers and vulnerabilities, couples can strengthen their connection and reinforce their commitment to each other.

When I bring up the topic of relationship agreements with monogamous people, they often react with trepidation. There’s an unspoken rule that monogamy precludes you from having to talk about cheating with any amount of nuance. However, having a black-and-white fear-based attitude doesn’t accomplish the goal of establishing exclusivity. Instead, developing strategies to navigate challenges and temptations can strengthen monogamous agreements and fortify the bond between partners. 

, practicing empathy, and prioritizing self-care are essential strategies for maintaining fidelity. Additionally, seeking professional support or couples therapy can provide guidance and tools for addressing underlying issues and strengthening the relationship. 

Navigating challenges and temptations within monogamous relationship agreements requires dedication, communication, and resilience from both partners. By understanding the complexities of fidelity and actively addressing potential triggers and vulnerabilities, couples can reinforce their commitment to each other and cultivate a deeper sense of trust and intimacy. While challenges may arise, the journey of navigating them together can ultimately strengthen the bond between partners and reaffirm the significance of monogamous agreements in fostering lasting, fulfilling relationships. 