The “Am I a Lesbian? Masterdoc” is recirculating. Let’s take a fresh look at this Tumblr-era article and its effect on Comp-Het.

The “Am I a Lesbian? Masterdoc” is once again making its rounds on social media. A sex educator takes a look at compulsory heterosexuality through their clients.

Comp-Het: What It Is and How to Overcome It

Lesbians Overcoming Compulsory Heterosexuality

If you’re on the sapphic side of the Internet, you’ve probably come across the 30-page pdf, often called 

“Am I a Lesbian Masterdoc” by Anjeli Lux

 that outlines the signs of comp-het. As the name suggests, it’s a guide that lays out how to determine if you’re a gay girl. The Lesbian Masterdoc outlines 

the concept of compulsory heterosexuality coined by Adrienne Rich

 - the social pressure to pursue a gender-normative straight monogamous relationship. Rather than getting bogged down in theory, the Lesbian Masterdoc uses simple concepts and personal experiences, making it easy for people to relate these cultural pressures to their own lives. One of the useful concepts in the Lesbian Masterdoc is that it distinguishes between feeling like you should date a man versus dating based on your real attraction. It’s a rather short but comprehensive musing about the intersection of gender and queerness that has been vastly useful in the early coming-out stage for many women (it had over 30,000 notes on Tumblr). 

What distinguishes lesbianism from other queer identities is that it has nothing to do with men. Lesbian relationships do not follow the same gender roles or expectations that straight relationships do. However, how women have been socialized makes it hard for many to discard these expectations and embrace their independence. Many queer women don’t have a clear path to recognize how heteronormativity informs their sexuality and how to dismantle this dominant narrative. Carrying over assumptions and pressures to conform to straight relationship scripts hinders lesbians from feeling confident and comfortable in their queerness. I hope that by exploring how lesbians are socially conditioned to go against their attraction, we can liberate ourselves. Deconstructing compulsory heterosexuality means we position our sexuality as independent from straightness rather than in comparison to it. 

I want to expand on some of the challenges that compulsory heterosexuality poses for baby gays who have mostly dated men or lesbians who are in straight relationships as they come to terms with their sexual orientation. I’ll go through some of the most common examples from conversations I’ve had with lesbians in peer support sessions. As a bit of disclosure, I have also found myself in this situation, so I speak from personal and professional experience. 

Feeling the need to stay in a relationship with a man 

Many women who are questioning their sexuality

 that I work with are in their late twenties to forties, married, or in a long-term relationship with a man; some have kids, and most live a rather straight-looking life. But, at some point, they realize that they’re gay. Rather than leaving their male partner, they try to compartmentalize their sexuality so they can stay. The reasons for staying, while varying from woman to woman, all boil down to a fear of not having straight privilege. Comp-het teaches women that there is a risk of not being associated with a man and, therefore, not being able to access the social cachet. Especially early in their coming out, many of these women need to have “safety to fall back on,” as a client explained recently.

Many of these women insist early on in our conversations that they are perfectly happy, in fact, in love with their male partner.. just not like that. But the longer we talk, the same pattern emerges. The story of perfect happiness starts to fall apart, and they reveal the myriad ways in which their needs aren’t being met. Their husband is emotionally shallow, doesn’t satisfy them sexually (obviously, because they’re queer), and shuts down when they try to talk about changing the relationship to reflect their new understanding of their sexuality. What’s complicated in these situations is that often, these women aren’t fully upfront with their husbands or boyfriends about their queerness. To preserve the straight facade and relational harmony, they talk vaguely about their queerness. Often, they allude to the hypothetical possibility of sexual attraction between them, even if this isn’t how they feel deep down. I don’t think this is outright deception, but it is a fear of claiming their authentic desires, which they’ve been told their entire lives aren’t all that important. As the Lesbian Masterdoc explains pretty thoroughly, compulsory heterosexuality has a way of making women believe they should be attracted to men, which can make it hard to distinguish from their true desires.

Prioritizing men’s feelings over their own desires

Most women have also been taught that being a good partner means taking on the emotional burden for their male partners. Most of them have become accustomed to feeling for their partner, holding his feelings, and processing for him. These boyfriends don’t have the skills to do their own emotional work since she has unknowingly prevented him from learning how. So when she wants to have conversations about her newly discovered sexuality, and he has a big emotional response, she takes on those feelings, backing down rather than allowing him to sort it out. 

This is even more complicated for couples who decide to explore non-monogamy so that she can explore her queer sexuality. In my experience, her relationship with other women takes a back seat to her husband’s feelings. Many clients talk about not wanting to escalate their new relationship with a woman because it would threaten their husbands. When pressed, I quickly find out that my clients would prefer to be with their girlfriends but feel like they should prioritize their established relationship with their male partner. There’s that should again. 

At the end of the day, compulsory heterosexuality often manifests as women betraying their desires out of an obligation to uphold a socially acceptable relationship. Many lesbians stay in their straight relationships not because they genuinely want to but because their husbands do. They wait until it becomes unmanageable to leave because they think that’s what it means to be a good partner. However, deconstructing compulsory heterosexuality allows women to recognize what genuine attraction feels like. Once they deprioritize their husband’s feelings, they don’t feel the need to compromise themselves. 

Insecurity when it comes to handling male-coded work

My lesbian clients who decide to leave their straight marriages tend to have a hard time feeling capable of taking over tasks their husbands typically perform. Of course, we all have our strengths, and some things are outside our wheelhouse. However, in none of the cases I’ve encountered are these women truly unable to do these typically male-coded tasks. Rather, they see themselves as incapable because they haven’t had to learn how. Tasks such as filing for divorce and handling finances, doing repairs, and manual labor tend to overwhelm women who have typically handed this responsibility to a man. This can present a rather large obstacle to leaving. This is especially true for women who have primarily functioned as domestic workers and don’t have their own income. Even for clients who make considerably more than their male partners, the prospect of being independent can bring up significant fears. 

From a straight perspective, it may not be clear that lesbians distribute responsibility equitably based on skills rather than gender roles. Women who have been in straight relationships wrongly assume that once they are in a lesbian relationship, they will defer these tasks to the more masculine partner. But this is fundamentally incompatible with the way that queer women typically share responsibility. By deconstructing compulsory heterosexuality, queer women recognize that skills aren’t gender-based. 

Lesbians who haven’t been in straight relationships may not experience this level of entanglement and dependency. Still, receiving questions about our ability to handle specific tasks is common. Comments like, “Who wears the pants in the relationship?” imply that someone needs to occupy a stereotypical male role. This is far from the reality. Further, strangers frequently impose themselves and offer help when women are minding their business. This constant paternalistic infantilization reinforces a fear in many queer women that they aren’t as good or capable as a man. This can show up as a lack of self-confidence or a generalized hatred towards men, with whom they feel constantly in competition. 

When it comes to sex, baby gays again carry over heterosexual dynamics. It’s become a joke for lesbians that newly out queers are intimidated by women. However, the hesitation towards initiation does reflect the general passivity that women are expected to exhibit during straight sex. Many lesbians fear coming off as too aggressive, inappropriate, or even predatory if they show sexual interest in another woman. Of course, for those who have had negative experiences of men making unwanted advances, this vigilance is understandable. But more often, it translates to a lack of initiative. Relationships are often stunted before they can take off because women are too scared to make a move. Compulsory heterosexuality has taught them that waiting and letting the other partner make all the advances is how you should behave. But it’s no surprise that this has a chilling effect. 

Again, lesbian sex doesn’t follow the same scripts as straight sex. Hooking up with someone who is defaulting to this convention can feel incredibly awkward. Lesbian sex is generally far more participatory and reciprocal. Even with stone tops and touch-me-not lesbians, the dynamic isn’t passive. Participation is far more active and equally distributed, meaning that women must learn how to make moves. 

Because of the pressure to assimilate and have a homonormative relationship, unmanaged comp-het can sometimes manifest as objectification of masc lesbians. Since they exhibit masculine gender presentation, some newly out lesbians treat them as stand-ins for men. But masc lesbians aren’t men. And you can’t just plop them into the gender roles that would conform to heterosexual dating standards. As we discussed previously, lesbian sex, domestic responsibilities, and other relational dynamics do not conform to straight ones. It’s incongruous to expect masc lesbians to play those roles without understanding their preferences and skillsets. Defaulting to gender norms erases the differences in how lesbians date and love each other.  

Masc lesbians can also have internalized the teachings of compulsory heterosexuality, sometimes overcompensating. It’s not unusual for newly out masc lesbians to try to comport themselves like men in an attempt to fit the roles they believe they must. But the beautiful thing about masc lesbians who have deconstructed compulsory heterosexuality is that they get to choose the aspects of masculinity that work for them and fit into their lesbianism. They understand that their gender presentation doesn’t have to necessarily inform their sexual preferences, domestic responsibilities, or skills. They aren’t stand-ins for men.   

The biggest issue that unexamined compulsory heterosexuality presents to lesbian relationships is a constant worry that it doesn’t measure up to heterosexual norms. Comparison erases the ways in which sapphic relationships differ from their straight counterparts. It also plants unnecessary seeds of doubt in the couple’s head. But mainly, it prompts women to go against their genuine attraction and desires, forcing them to conform to standards that don’t make sense. You can tell when compulsory heterosexuality is being activated when that voice in your head is telling you what you should do. We all live in a straight culture, and its influence is bound to pop up. But the more we recognize that lesbian relationships don’t have to follow the same standards and that they can exist independently from men, the more we permit ourselves to relate the ways we want. 

For many women, the Lesbian Masterdoc came a little too late. They’re already in long-term committed relationships with men, and they face the difficult decision of choosing to live authentically as their queer selves. This isn’t simple, and deconstructing compulsory heterosexuality does take time. The more we support each other through this process, the easier it is for us to become aligned with our true desires.  