How to Throw Your Own Sex Party

Category: Advice

Author: Zane Henry

Party planning can be intimidating enough as it is but sex party planning? Sure, there’s a lot that goes into hosting an orgy but there are ways to ensure that the only blood, sweat and tears involved are the happy consensual kind. Here are some of the important bits to bear in mind…

width=337

from Giphy

Start small

It can be tempting to go full Dionysus and throw an epic bacchanal with hundreds of guests and a bunch of elephants. But you’ll have a much better time if you start with a small, core group of people you know and trust to show up and contribute to a positive vibe. The more people who know each other the better, especially if there’s at least a nascent level of sexual chemistry so it doesn’t feel like starting from absolute scratch.

Break the ice

Themes are fun, and a great way of puncturing some of the self-seriousness and nerves that can come with a party like this. Avoid anything too problematic; you don’t want people dressing as Native Americans for a Wild West theme. We’re looking for something to straddle the line between fun and engaging versus laborious and anxiety inducing. Make it super clear if the theme reflects the kind of play involved – for example, shibari, impact, blood play, etc. You don’t want the wrong kind of surprises. This is also an opportunity to add in some fun ice breaker games. They don’t need to be on theme, and can even be something as juvenile (but fun!) as ‘Spin the Bottle’ or ‘Truth or Dare’.

Find the right venue

Whether it’s someone’s house or a hotel room, the venue is of critical importance. It obviously needs to be a place where everyone can feel safe and comfortable… and where you won’t get the cops called on you. You want to make sure that there’s enough space for the whole group, plenty of soft furnishing and lots of surfaces for the action. Ensure there’s more than one space – think of something along the lines of a break out room or outdoor space where play isn’t allowed, so people can catch their breath and check in with themselves and each other.

width=405

from Giphy

Talk more than you fuck

For real. The more you talk, the better. Have an open forum at the beginning and end where people are encouraged to speak freely about how they’re feeling. Ask everyone to talk about their expectations (“I’d love to get DP’d!”) and boundaries (“I don’t like anyone touching my feet”) for the night. Maintain that open line of communication with frequent check-ins with everyone you engage with. The forum is also a good place for people to share their pronouns, sexuality and general mindset. Feel free to discuss existing dynamics (who in the group is dating, metamours, partners, etc.) and any labels you identify with (switch/top/dom/sub/daddy). If you’re feeling anxious, share that. If you’re not feeling particularly sexual, let people know. If you’re with good people, they’ll care and consider anything you’re feeling.

Understand consent

Consent is one of the most crucial things to get right. Have a consensus on what consent means and how it can be exercised.

Be safe

Get tested, people! It’s usually very simple and will create enormous peace of mind for all concerned. Safety is paramount. Make sure that there are plenty of condoms, dental dams and latex gloves around. While great sex can still happen when someone has something transmissible, don't assume that barriers will be enough for everyone to feel comfortable and safe. Disclose your status and give others the opportunity to make informed decisions on whether to engage with you sexually.

Establish a clear stance on substances

This very much includes alcohol. Different people have different stances on substances, which is perfectly fine. But it’s a really good idea to know where everyone is at. This will inform consent and also just make people feel like they’re on the same page. Nobody wants to be the messy drunk at the orgy.

Manage your expectations

This is a less obvious but crucial part. It’s all too easy to get swept up with nerves and excitement but it’s fundamentally important to temper these feelings with the realisation that you are going to be engaging with human beings who contain whole constellations of thoughts and feelings. Don’t come in with a bucket list that puts pressure on yourself and reduces other people to porno props. Don’t feel entitled to sex. You, or the people you’re with, might feel differently in the moment, and pushing through discomfort or anxiety can easily lead to disassociation and a bad time for all concerned. It can be handy to set your expectations super low (“Yay! I get to hang out with some hotties and we might even get naked and do stuff!”) and then be pleasantly surprised at what manifests. There are also various levels of ‘sex’ and it’s okay to play within that. If the rest of the group is okay with voyeurism and exhibitionism, it can be amazing to just watch the kaleidoscopic debauchery unfold around you.

Have fun!

You’re at a goddamn orgy! <3

width=422

from Giphy

Podcast Transcript: