You’re at a crossroads, but you’re not sure you’re ready to give it all up. Will a break resolve what you're facing?

Sex educator Sam from Shrimpteeth helps you decide if it's time to take a relationship break.

Taking a Relationship Break: When and How

How to Take a Relationship Break

It’s perfectly normal to struggle with indecision when you’re going through a turbulent phase in your relationship. It can be difficult to know if things will improve given some time or if you’re dragging on an inevitable breakup. Many times, ending a relationship or changing the structure isn’t a clear-cut decision. It makes sense to hold out hope that things will work out, even if all signs currently point to the contrary.

Relationship breaks can be tricky to navigate because agreements aren’t necessarily easy to negotiate, especially if you and your pals are in a cycle of conflict. For 

 folks, an added layer of complexity can arise when someone wants to take a break from polyamory, not from their partner.

Whether monogamous or not, it’s important to take some time to carefully reflect on the motives for taking a break, specific agreements during time apart, and a solid plan for reconciliation or a new structure moving forward. Breaks can be disastrous when they are issued impulsively or if both parties aren’t on the same page. Here are some things to consider before you leave.

"Being honest about your capacity to compromise or change is necessary."

Is it a break from a person, or a relationship structure?

First, it’s important to understand if you need a break from your partner or the type of relationship. A break from a partner usually occurs for two separate reasons, internal conflict or external stressors. If you and your pal have been stuck in a period of conflict that cannot be resolved, it might be helpful to get some distance so you can have time to examine your position or look for alternative solutions.

When folks start to feel resentment towards their partner, it’s a good sign to consider some deliberate time apart. If you know that you or your partner is unwilling to budge, it might be a good idea to break up, but if there’s a desire to compromise or change then it might be useful to take a break. What’s important to consider is whether the problem causing conflict can realistically be resolved or not.

Unfortunately, many couples are facing irreconcilable differences, but keep hoping that the other person will change. Being honest about your capacity to compromise or change is necessary.

In the other scenario, one person (or occasionally both) has external situations that are preventing them from being fully present in the relationship. One person might express that they need some space to resolve issues in their life that are negatively impacting their relationship but aren’t directly caused by their partner.

For example, having to care for a sick person in their life, addressing substance abuse issues, getting help around mental health, needing to focus on work, or in my case, having to finalize a divorce. These are usually temporary stressors that require most of our attention. Again, you must recognize when you’re not able to maintain the level of attentive care required in your relationship so that you focus on resolving the problem.

The other type of break occurs when a couple wants to stay together but needs a break from the relationship structure. This typically means a polyamorous couple closing up their relationship temporarily. Although occasionally it happens in the reverse, 

 couples need a temporary period of being open.

Couples who are first opening their relationship often experience tremendous stress in the initial months (and perhaps years) and might need a break to sustain the energy to keep going. While monogamous couples might prefer a dyadic structure but want a break from exclusivity. I usually encounter this scenario when couples become long-distance and want to see other folks while they’re apart.

Understanding what specifically you need a break from can help you plan generative time apart. But you have to be honest with yourself and your pals about what isn’t working.

Is the break meant to focus on some personal growth, or is this an ultimatum?

The number one reason that breaks fail is because they’re being used as a control mechanism rather than an opportunity for each person to learn how to be a better partner. Often, one person will ask for a break, expecting their partner to give in to their demands under the pressure. But, contrary to what shows like The Ultimatum would like us to believe, exerting force rarely creates a strong and secure relationship.

To be clear, you might be using a break as a coercive tool even if your intentions aren’t nefarious. As I mentioned earlier, most people simply overestimate their ability to change or compromise with their partner. A good example of this is my friend who is in a notorious on-again-off-again relationship with her girlfriend because one wants a child and the other doesn’t. They keep going on breaks, hoping the other will change their mind.

"We’re not always going to be our best selves... It’s also okay to need space to learn how to be a better partner."

Unfortunately, if there’s a fundamental problem in your relationship, it most likely won’t be resolved no matter how much time you take apart. To be fair, the desire to control our partners is an all too human impulse. In most cases, people resort to this behavior because they feel desperate for change, not because they are master manipulators. It’s okay to realize that you’re trying to use a break to coerce your partner into changing, just keep in mind that we can’t fundamentally control other people and it is up to them to decide what they want to do, not you.

On the other hand, breaks can be tremendously fruitful if you recognize that some of your behavior patterns are negatively impacting your partner, and you decide to take a break so that you can learn healthier relationship skills. We’re not always going to be our best selves, especially if we’re in long-term relationships. It’s also okay to need space to learn how to be a better partner. Again, the key to success is being level-headed and honest about your intentions.

If there are other partners in the mix, how could they be impacted by this break?

Breaks from non-monogamy pose their own unique sets of challenges. The major issue occurs when one person is asking for a break from polyamory as a way of preventing their partner from dating someone new. Let’s be clear: this happens ALL THE TIME. In these scenarios too I genuinely don’t believe that people are being deliberately cruel.

What’s far more common is that one partner is experiencing overwhelming levels of 

because their partner is seeing someone else and they try their hardest to be okay with their new meta but can’t regulate their emotions. After spending weeks, maybe months, in emotional turmoil and conflict with their partner, the only logical option left is closing the relationship. This usually results in the primary couple taking a break from their open relationship structure.

However, if one person refuses to close the relationship, it might lead them to take a break from each other instead. What’s amply apparent from working with couples who are in these situations is that a break from polyamory is usually the last resort. Most couples don’t WANT to essentially veto their meta, but they have exhausted their options to deal with jealousy.

What makes these situations very tricky is that there are other pals involved who often don’t have much of a say. It can lead secondary partners to feel like they’re being taken advantage of or are disposable. Depending on how long the meta has been in the picture, it’s a really good idea to be transparent and involve them in conversations around a break from polyamory.

Giving everyone a chance to participate in planning a break can not only build trust but also prevent secondary partners from feeling like they’ve been blindsided. Often, transitioning from a romantic relationship to a friendship can be a good compromise to consider. In these situations too, it’s important to be honest about whether the relationship structure is something everyone is willing to compromise on or if it’s an irreconcilable difference.

Too often, I have clients who are mismatched, one can only be happy with monogamy the other needs polyamory. If that’s the case, again, there’s a good chance that a break is simply prolonging the inevitable.

Do your expectations for the break align with those of your partner?

There are lots of factors to consider when you decide to take a break, a clear plan is necessary to ensure some level of cohesion. One of the prime reasons people do not get back together after a break is because they are on different pages going into their time out.

For example, does a break mean you’re each free to date other people or do you expect exclusivity during that period? If you cohabitate, do you intend to stay in the same space or will someone find alternative living arrangements? How long will the break last? These are all questions to iron out before saying goodbye.

As we’ve explored, breaks work best when they’re a chance for each partner to focus on their personal growth and address the ways they contributed to the issues in the relationship. Often, this requires 

. Say you split because you recognize that you have an issue that’s causing major conflict. There's a chance that you won’t be able to find a solution on your own, but you can see a therapist to help shed some light on the situation, or at the very least learn skills to navigate conflict more productively.

But something has to change. You can’t expect that time and distance alone will magically resolve the problem, be proactive with the changes you need to make. The other major criterion you should discuss with your partner is how much contact you expect to have during your break. For example, if you’re taking a break because you need to focus on external stressors, there’s a chance that keeping your pal up to date will be necessary.

On the other hand, if you’re taking a break because you’re trying to resolve 

emotionally abusive relationship patterns

, having contact might not improve the situation. Whatever y’all decide should be explicated so everyone is on the same page to avoid confusion when you reunite.

How do we make sure the problem that triggered the break doesn't recur? What happens if time apart makes it even clearer that it's time to end the relationship?

It’s hard to know what will happen after a break, it can go either way. Sometimes having space gives us the motivation to address the ways we were contributing to the problems that led to the break. But other times we learn that we value our autonomy or would be better suited to another relationship once we’ve had some distance. While you can do your best to set agreements that will hopefully allow you and your partner to come back to each other, that won’t always happen. It’s important to accept that taking a break doesn’t always lead to positive outcomes.

Hopefully, you and your partner DO decide to give it another shot. In that case, it’s necessary to talk about how you’ll both ensure you don’t fall back into the same patterns. Often, it’s a good idea to seek external help, like a therapist or peer mentor, to assist both of you in the initial reconciliation. Unfortunately, changing behavioral patterns doesn’t happen immediately.

It’s pretty common for partners to fall back into the same dysfunctional relationship dynamics. After all, it feels more secure to act in predictable though destructive ways than having to navigate the uncertainty of relating differently to one another. Having neutral people to help out can make a dramatic difference.

No matter how you choose to take a break, one thing is sure, you’ll learn something about yourself and your relationship. Having to end your relationship, even temporarily, can be painful but it can also create space to rebuild a stronger partnership. Make sure that you take time to carefully consider your motives and expectations during your break to help you and your partner go down the right path together. Good luck on this journey!