New year, new experiences? Here’s how to understand the difference between expanding your sexual horizons versus crossing your boundaries.

Recognize your boundaries before you cross them with these tips, including understanding what a boundary is, gathering accurate information, imagining yourself doing an activity and being able to say you’re not sure.

What Are Boundaries In Sex and How Do You Know What Yours Are? By Ella Dorval Hall

How to Recognize Your Boundaries Before You Cross Them

Have you ever been getting hot and heavy with a partner and they ask you “what can I do to make you feel good right now?” or “how do you want to be touched?” and, well, you have absolutely no idea? I have. More times than I can count. That’s because I— like many people— sometimes struggle to feel connected to my desires, to what I do and don’t want, or in other words, to my 

Yes, that’s right, I don’t always know what my boundaries are. When a partner asks me, “Can I do (fill in the blank) to you?”, I don’t always know the answer. Perhaps you’ve found yourself in a similar situation. Maybe you and your partner have been thinking about 

 but you’re not sure if you want to go through with it. Perhaps you’re curious about anal play but you feel nervous. Interested in 

? Trying to decide if you even want to have sex at all? Or perhaps you’ve been considering 

No matter where you’re at, all of us are constantly trying to figure out what our boundaries are when it comes to our sex lives, and honestly, sometimes it’s hard to know. Rest assured, I have solutions! Here are six ways to recognize what and where your boundaries are — before you cross them!

First things first: you need to understand what a boundary is so you know exactly what you’re looking for within yourself. A boundary essentially delineates what you’re comfortable with from what you’re not comfortable with. Boundaries help to keep you — and the people around you — safe, and knowing your own and your partners’ boundaries is essential to good sex. 

Sometimes, when someone is contemplating whether or not they want to try a new sex act, they have an inaccurate idea of what it will be like. Take trying anal, for example. Many people have the 

perception that anal means being penetrated by a penis or dildo on the first go

. While this is how some people enjoy anal, it’s also an inaccurate idea of how someone new to anal play should go about trying it for the first time. Anal play can be having your ass eaten, using a finger around the rim, or trying a small, narrow butt plug. It’s difficult to know whether or not you want to do something if the information you’re using to decide isn’t accurate, so when you’re figuring out your sexual boundaries, try to gather as much information as possible. Talk to people who have done it before, read about it online or speak to a sex educator. If you’re considering filming for Lustery or attending a sex club, learn as much as you can from their website, or reach out to staff. 

Once I have accurate information, the number one strategy I use to figure out what my boundaries are is imagining myself doing the activity. If I’m considering if I want to try a new sex position, for example, I imagine myself in it. As I am imagining it, I pay attention to how my body feels. Do I feel excited? Happy? Am I enjoying this image? Does it make me feel nervous? Scared? Do I hate the thought of it? All of this is information as to where my boundaries lie. If I feel ambivalent, hesitant or unsure, I go ahead to the next step…

This step entails pinpointing what you’re unsure about and seeing if there’s a fix. If you’re considering a new sexual activity, and you’re on the fence, try to figure out exactly what you’re unsure about — in other words, what 

 working for you. If you’re considering whether or not you want to have sex with a new fling, for example, perhaps when you imagine hooking up at their place, it’s anxiety provoking, but when you picture it in your own bed, you’re in. Or maybe you feel excited about sleeping with them but you need to be clear about what your relationship is or isn’t before you do. By knowing exactly what is making you feel uncomfortable, you can begin to explore if there’s a solution that feels good to you. If whatever is blocking you feels too big to overcome or there aren’t alternatives, then that’s a go sign that at this point in time this sexual adventure is a no-go.

Writing down what you’re thinking can help you access your feelings and boundaries. If you’re trying to understand your boundaries about a new sex act, write down in one column all of the things that excited you about it. In another column, write down what you don’t like or what’s holding you back. In the last column, write down what you’re unsure about. If you have a whole bunch of concerns under ‘no’ and just a few points under ‘yes’, this could be a sign it’s not within your boundaries. If there are tons of things in the ‘unsure’ column, it’s a sign you might need more time. You can even talk with your partner about this list.

If someone asks if you want to try something, it’s okay to say “I don’t know” and sit in that reality. “I don’t know” is actually a full and complete answer! This can be especially useful if you’re trying to figure out your boundaries in the heat of a sexy moment. Recognizing that you aren’t sure can help you tune into what you’re feeling instead of putting pressure on yourself to know immediately.

Knowing our boundaries helps us have more enjoyable, pleasurable sexual experiences, and getting to know what your boundaries are can take time. Be patient and honest with yourself about what you’re feeling.