Everything you need to know to invite a third into your bedroom as a person, not a prop…

From how to find a third for a threesome to how to make sure everyone feels seen, involved and taken care of, here’s what you need to know about keeping your threesome fun, fulfilling and ethical.

How To Have An Ethical Threesome by Jaimee Bell

How to Have an Ethical Threesome

Threesomes are an incredibly common fantasy. The process of finding 

 in a threesome can be tricky, though. Finding what you’re looking for is great; doing so ethically is even better.

You want to find someone you’re both comfortable with, someone who doesn’t feel threatening, someone who is into the same things you are and, of course, someone who is looking for what you’re offering. There’s so much to consider when searching for a third, so let’s talk about it.

Discuss boundaries before inviting a third into the bedroom

This is an incredibly important first step. Discussions with your partner about what a three-way 

look like, what would be okay, what would not be okay, and how you both would feel about adding another person into your intimacy will go a long way in making sure this is a healthy, happy setup for everyone. You can even use it during foreplay: pretend there is another person with you already and talk dirty to your lover about what you want to do together.

Figure out how you’re going to find this person

Are you and your partner interested in meeting someone in person through your local kink community? Are you interested in setting up online dating profiles? Are you interested in trying to swing a threesome while on vacation, far away from your ‘normal lives’? These are all important questions to ask yourselves and get on the same page about before you even start to look for a third.

Once you’re ready to start your search, it’s time to market yourselves

, comes down to the right marketing. I’m not saying you’re some used car who needs to promote yourself using specific techniques or no one will want you. What I’m saying is that you’re incredibly unique, your relationship is unique, and you have to explain yourself properly to find what you’re looking for. You deserve to find someone who is compatible with you, your partner, and your desires. To do this, you have to learn how to be clear (in a non-confrontational way) about what you are looking for.

Feature both of you (yourself and your partner), both together and separately in photos.Explain in (polite) detail what an ideal romantic evening with the third person could look like so they know what they are signing up for.Explain what you’re looking for from this person – for example, is this long-term or just a one-night stand?Don’t be too aggressive with messages. You may be excited but as a solo person looking for this set up, it can be intimidating, so you want to make them feel as comfortable as possible. Using language such as “ethical non-monogamy” and “open relationship” explains that you are both consenting and happy about this potential threesome, which goes a long way in making any would-be third feel comfortable with the situation.Take things slow, see if the chemistry is right, and see if what you want matches what they want. If you try to rush things, you’re likely going to end up in a bad match or scaring the person off.

What is couple privilege? This is a term that is, in general, used to describe the privileges that couples have (for example, date-night dinners for two that are cheaper than eating alone, etc.). In open relationships and dating, however, this term is often used to describe 

the benefits and safety that come from dating as a couple

 instead of dating as an individual. When you and your mate are looking for a third to join you, you have to be aware that you inherently have the upper hand – it’s two people searching for a third person. It can be very easy for that third person to be intimidated or feel pressured since there are two of you.

The easiest way to avoid this is by acknowledging it and doing whatever you can to make your potential third feel comfortable and safe. This can include things like meeting in hotels instead of at your home or meeting at a low-key diner instead of at a restaurant where they would feel like the third wheel on a romantic dinner date. It can also include things like making them feel safe during sexual encounters by going over what everyone involved in the intimacy wants to do and making sure they are comfortable and enthusiastic about everything.

You’ve thought about this hundreds of times, you’ve met your third, you’ve hit it off and you’re all ready to take this to the next level. This part can be wildly exciting and incredibly anxiety-provoking at the same time. The first thing you want to do is stay aligned on goals and desires, comfort levels and expectations. Whether you’re meeting at a hotel or their apartment, discuss things like how to keep everyone comfortable, who will interact with who, what safe sex practices need to be adhered to and, if there are elements of 

 involved, you will want to set safe words in place before anything really gets started.

Something fun to do to prepare for this is to start a three-way group chat in the days leading up to the event – sext each other! Get all the fun, sexy, intimate ideas out there and see how they are perceived through text. After a fun little sexting session, ask if everyone would be comfortable if those exact events played out in real life.

Aftercare isn’t just for couples, you know…

 is something that can be really beneficial. It’s something that some people may gloss over but checking in with all people involved, asking how they felt about the session and discussing expectations moving forward can be a great way to “wrap up” your fun three-way. Who knows, maybe they will want to do it again sometime!