How to have a threesome without the jealousy, awkwardness, or regret? It’s all about setting the right expectations—and maybe a little pre-game sexting.

There’s more to learning how to have a threesome than just getting naked—trust, communication, and desire all come into play. Here’s how to get it right.

How to Have a Threesome Safely and Enjoyably

How to Have a Threesome (Ethically)

Threesomes are a common fantasy. The process of finding someone to join you and a partner in a threesome can be tricky, though. Finding what you’re looking for is great; doing so ethically is even better.

You want to find someone you’re both comfortable with, someone who feels non-threatening, someone who is into the same things you are, and, of course, someone who is looking for what you’re offering. 

There’s so much to consider when searching for a third, so let’s talk about it. For some additional support, read a Lustery POV 

Watch Lustery couple Juan & Delfine pick up a third in the new Lustery series Street Meet Threesome

Discuss Boundaries Before Inviting a Third into the Bedroom

Discussions with your partner about what a three-way could look like, what would be okay, what would not be okay, and how you would feel about adding another person into your intimacy will ensure a healthy, happy setup for everyone. 

You can even use it during foreplay: pretend there is another person with you already and practice 

 to your lover about what you want to do together.

When considering how to have a threesome, decide on the method of finding a suitable third person. Here are some things to think about:

Are you and your partner interested in meeting someone in person through your local kink community?

Are you interested in setting up online dating profiles? 

Are you interested in trying to swing a threesome while on vacation, far away from your ‘normal lives’? 

These are all important questions to ask yourselves and get on the same page about before you even start to look for a third.

Sometimes finding a partner, any kind of partner, comes down to the right marketing. 

I’m not saying you’re some used car who needs to promote yourself using specific techniques or no one will want you. What I’m saying is that you’re incredibly unique, your relationship is unique, and you have to explain yourself properly to find what you’re looking for. 

You deserve to find someone compatible with you, your partner, and your desires. To do this, you have to learn how to be clear (in a non-confrontational way) about what you are looking for. 

How to Create a Dating Profile With Your Partner:

Feature both of you in photos, both together and separately.

Describe what an ideal romantic evening with a third person could look like so they know what to expect.

Clarify what you're looking for from this person – is it a long-term arrangement or just a one-night encounter?

Avoid being too aggressive with messages. While excitement is natural, it's important to make the potential third feel comfortable. Using terms like "ethical non-monogamy" and "open relationship" can convey that both partners are consenting and enthusiastic about the potential threesome.

Take things slow to ensure that the chemistry is right and that your desires align with theirs. Rushing can lead to mismatched expectations or discomfort.

Understanding couple privilege is essential when learning how to have a threesome. So, what is couple privilege? 

is a term that is generally used to describe the privileges that couples have (for example, date-night dinners for two that are cheaper than eating alone, etc.). In open relationships and dating, however, this term is often used to describe the benefits and safety of dating as a couple instead of an individual. 

When you and your mate are looking for a third to join you, you have to be aware that you inherently have the upper hand – it’s two people searching for a third person. It can be very easy for that third person to be intimidated or feel pressured since there are two of you.

The easiest way to avoid this is by acknowledging it and doing whatever you can to make your potential third feel comfortable and safe. This can include: 

Meeting in hotels instead of at your home

Meeting at a low-key diner instead of at a restaurant where they would feel like the third wheel on a romantic dinner date

Making them feel safe during sexual encounters by going over what everyone involved in the intimacy wants to do

Making sure they are comfortable and enthusiastic about everything.

You’ve thought about this hundreds of times, you’ve met your third, you’ve hit it off and you’re all ready to take this to the next level. This part can be wildly exciting and incredibly anxiety-provoking at the same time. 

The first thing you want to do is stay aligned on goals and desires, comfort levels, and expectations. 

Whether you’re meeting at a hotel or their apartment, discuss things like how to keep everyone comfortable, who will interact with who, what 

practices need to be adhered to and, if there are elements of 

 involved, you will want to set safe words in place before anything gets started.

Something fun to do to prepare for this is to start a three-way group chat in the days leading up to the event – sext each other! Get all the fun, sexy, intimate ideas out there and see how they are perceived through text. After a fun sexting session, ask if everyone would be comfortable if those events played out in real life.

 can be beneficial. Some people may gloss over it, but checking in with all involved, asking how they felt about the session, and discussing expectations moving forward can be a great way to “wrap up” your fun three-way. Who knows, maybe they will want to do it again sometime!