5 tips to share your insecurities with pals without controlling them

Relationship mentor Sam from Shrimpteeth gives us 5 tips on how to discuss insecurities with pals without controlling them.

How to Discuss Jealousy in a Relationship | Lustery POV

How to Discuss Jealousy in a Relationship

You know the feeling when your partner won’t stop talking about their friend. They seem to be texting nonstop or they hang out all the time. You constantly hear how great and cool they are, oh and they have the same interests as your partner. Plus they’re super cute and you can’t stop comparing yourself to them. Even if you want to be happy for your partner, you can’t get rid of that nagging voice trying to convince you that their amazing friend is going to replace you. How do you talk to your partner about your feelings of jealousy without dictating what they’re allowed to do? 

When we’re feeling emotionally activated, our brains often concoct wild stories that fuel more jealousy. That’s how overseeing part of a text can escalate to accusations that your partner is behaving inappropriately. Hands down, the worst time to bring up your issues to your partner is during a bout of jealousy; conversations in the heat of the moment are rarely fair or level-headed. 

The first step of the process is recognizing what triggers your intense emotions and how it amplifies the gravity of the situation. Before telling your partner they can’t spend time with their friend, try writing out concrete observations of behaviors you have issues with rather than speculating on potential transgressions. 

A lot of us struggle with feelings of inadequacy that can be rooted in previous painful relationship experiences or back to childhood. There are a variety of ways that a lack of self-confidence can manifest in our relationships, including suspicion about our partner’s other meaningful relationships. It’s common for fear of abandonment or FOMO (fear of missing out) to pop up when our partners spend significant time and attention on other people, especially if you’re monogamous or used to having a lot of exclusive access to your partner. But often insecurities aren’t based in reality.

Being able to own the ways that our internal monologue is tricking us can alleviate the pressure we put on our partners to soothe our discomfort. After all, it’s unfair to partners who routinely show up in a kind and loving manner to be the target of our suspicion. It’s perfectly normal to need reassurance occasionally, but being a responsible partner means we learn how to emotionally regulate appropriately. 

While we can’t control our pals and it’s unfair for us to place wanton restrictions on their relationships with others, it’s also important to be clear about our expectations. Different couples have different agreements about what constitutes cheating or inappropriate behavior. It’s unreasonable to assume that our partners will implicitly understand what we are uncomfortable with if it’s never been clarified. 

At the same time, these conversations are not always straightforward. I often work with couples who have mixed preferences for their relationship structure, one wants monogamy while the other wants polyamory. 

Occasionally, discussing our limits means recognizing that we are fundamentally incompatible with our partners and to continue a relationship means either party would be severely compromising their needs.

4. Remember trust is an ongoing commitment 

Of course, cheating does happen. Sometimes your intuition is correct and you have good reason to be suspicious of your partner’s relationship to someone else. However, it’s important to realize that cheating is a decision your partner chooses to make. 

No amount of suspicion, control, or willpower will prevent it from happening. That doesn’t mean you have to simply accept significant breaks of trust; it’s perfectly understandable to have a boundary to end a relationship if your partner betrays you. But once this boundary has been established, your best bet is to work on continuously establishing trust with your partner. 

The best defense against being cheated on is to foster a relationship where you and your partner feel safe discussing potential crushes as they arise before acting on them.

Lastly, the best way to ease the feelings of jealousy is to focus on something else. I can’t stress enough how much insecurities are amplified when we don’t have friends and hobbies of our own. 

Remember that you and your partner are separate people who have lives outside of your relationship. It’s not ultimately healthy to be fully absorbed with just one another to the exclusion of all else. Once you’ve discussed your insecurities and clarified your relationship agreements, meet new people! 