I thought I knew what my body needed. Turns out I had a lot more to discover…

How coming out as non-binary changed the way I masturbate       

of lockdown articles about masturbation. Masturbation as self-care, masturbation and mental health, masturbation together, alone, online, in the bath, in the morning, on the ceiling, whatever. When the world quarantined in April 2020, media exploded with sex toy lists and advice.

I dismissed a lot of it. As a polyamorous and promiscuous sex writer, I couldn’t possibly need to learn more than I already knew. Sure, I could try out a few things but I had the fundamentals down, right?

A few months later, I finally came out as non-binary which gave me a new lease on life – and a ton of confusion. I was unprepared for the way I now looked at my body. Not critically, but curiously. My genitals, especially. I have a vagina and I use it for sex and masturbation but I’d oddly taken it for granted. I didn’t hate it or want to change it but I realised I’d never truly appreciated it as something that could also be part of a more masculine body too. Everyone’s gender journey is different; not everyone feels dysphoria or confusion. Personally, however, I felt like I was a new person, and with that came the urge to discover new sides to myself.

Masturbation, an already integral part of my life and easy ‘me-time’ part of my relationship, became something of a mission of discovery. I spent ages, sometimes hours, exploring new parts of my body: caressed my body hair, felt gender euphoria and arousal. I became my own dominant, using pinwheels on my breasts to elicit a sense of pain and power over myself. I teased myself, building up slowly, telling myself I had time now, time to really think about what I wanted beyond quick relief.

As time went on, I taught myself edging – stopping myself at the brink of coming, building myself up over and over again to create more powerful orgasms when I finally gave myself the go-ahead. I commissioned audio instructions for porn performers on OnlyFans with orgasm control and countdowns so I could feel submissive. I loved hearing their voices tell me what to do, things I maybe hadn’t thought of myself. I closed my eyes as they counted down from 10 or 20, imagining them standing in front of me, hot and mischievous, coming harder and harder for my imaginary instructors.

I have a tilted uterus which causes pain during penetration but I took the time to really learn how to work with the pain, using dildos to give myself g-spot orgasms that I’d only achieved before in the moment with a partner, when the passion and connection would help me push through.

The most surprising thing was the strap-on. Though I used it for sex with others, it lived in the drawer otherwise. One day after a little dommy photoshoot for an online partner, I decided to keep it on for a while. I lay down, lubed it up, and started to caress it. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but I suddenly felt like I was touching myself, my own (pretty damn big) cock. And I really, really liked it. I worked myself up, using the motions I’d use for a handjob on someone else, and I found I could get myself almost to orgasm before I needed to touch my clit and tip myself over the edge. 

This revelation has thrown up a lot of internal questions about my identity, my body and my desires. I still love my vagina but I found another side of myself to be explored further. I then asked performers to create audio tracks that focused on this new kind of masturbation, helping me become used to the words and the feelings that came with them.

I would never have got here if I hadn’t taken the time to discover my needs. I’d always sort of assumed I inherently knew what I wanted in bed, alone or not. But this discovery needed a journey to arrive at a destination I had probably suppressed. I don’t know what it means yet; it doesn’t have to mean anything huge or life changing but it’s reassuring to know I got there.

I’m not done, I have way more to learn. I’m currently trying to figure out how to make myself squirt – something others have made happen but has been out of reach playing solo. I know it may take ages (and may never happen) but I feel comfortable enough to dedicate the time. The things I’ve learned so far have vastly improved my sense of self and my ability to communicate with my partner. Masturbation is more than just a physical experience; it provides all kinds of relief. And for some, it can help form who we are, in ways we never realised.