There’s a difference between liking public sex and having a fetish for getting caught. For me (and fortunately also for my partners over the years), it’s more about the heady sense of freedom gained from liberating sex from the bedroom – being able to seize hold of mutual horniness and express that wherever we happen to be in a way that feels fiery-hot and wholesome at the same time.
It’s kind of a passion for me, that sense of freedom. I’ve had sex in some of the obvious places: airplane bathrooms, nightclub toilets, nude beaches, taxidermy offices, elevators, metaphysical nether realms, family gatherings, alleyways and IKEA showrooms.
The memories that stand out for me are not necessarily the riskiest, but those that caused the most intense head-rushes – spawned by the absolute peak horniness when all you and the person you’re with can think about is the lust you’re feeling percolating in your veins, and you’re willing to risk anything for each other in that moment.
1 Brazilian consulate
This was during a networking event ahead of the last World Cup. My partner at the time was my plus one and we had been feeling frisky all day. It was probably a combination of being all dressed up and drowning in free champagne that led to us exploring the building, finding an empty office and fucking the shit out of each other on a very handsome mahogany desk. It ended with a polite knock on the door, and because it was a classy establishment, nobody was there to embarrass us on the other side.
Pros: Plush furnishing. Cons: Causing an international diplomatic incident. Rating: 8/10
2 London bus On our way home from a party at around 1am or so, my partner and I boarded a bus and went to the top deck. There were maybe four other passengers, all drunken revellers like us, but they were all seated towards the front eating pungent kebabs, so we felt comfortable heading to the backseat and touching each other up there. It started with hands under skirts, escalated to intense pussy-eating and ended with sneaky penetration. That’s the thing about London buses – there’s always someone getting off.
Pros: Chest high seat backs block most of the action. Cons: Smell of kebabs. Rating: 8/10
3 Up a tree in a park
This one didn’t actually come directly from horniness, but from a shared love of tree-climbing. We were at a picnic in the park and decided we felt like climbing a tree, so we found a little copse of oaks nearby and swung up into the branches. Once we were up there, balance was carefully attained, skirts were pulled up, underwear was pulled to the side, and we fucked like squirrels.
Pros: Leaves and branches are natural camouflage. Cons: Splinters. Rating: 7/10
4 Toilets at work
There are few options if you happen to be working with someone you’re also fucking. Toilets are a gamble at the best of times. Depending on the cubicle design, it can be all too easy for other people to hear you doing your thing or, arguably worse, for you to hear them doing their thing. Still, the urgency, need to be quiet and innate dirtiness of it all can be a big fucking turn-on.
Pros: Convenient. Cons: They’re toilets. Rating: 6/10
5 Playroom at a sex club
This is a weird one. Play rooms are designed for fucking, but they can be so weirdly unsexy, perhaps because of that very reason. I’ve done it a few times, and just not been blown away. A lot of the joy of public sex comes from the incongruity of it, so having a place in public where everyone is humping each other mechanically, avoiding eye contact while trying to make space for other people can be a bummer. The right space at the right party, though, can be joyous.
Pros: Purpose built for fucking. Cons: Can be clinical and rather ‘obvious’. Rating: 5/10
A word of warning: Inebriation can be a prime ingredient in al fresco shenanigans, but this is also when judgement is most impaired, so try to not get arrested on your way home from the pub.