Every Great (Sex) Journey Begins with a Single Step: Part 2

Category: Advice

Author: Ena Dahl

Are you ready for round two? Last month, we gave you three ‘fucket-list’ items divided into manageable milestones, the idea being to work your way towards making your fantasies come true with less pressure and more pleasure along the way. Here are three more to make 2023 your sexiest year yet. 

So, you want to…

from Giphy

If you think hiring a sex worker is reserved for those unable to find sex anywhere else, think again. Not only is the number of women hiring sex workers on the rise, but many do so to explore new kinks or other aspects of their sexualities in a safe space with someone more experienced. 

If you’re curious but not ready to commit yet, you can work your way there.

Step 1: Subscribe to your favorite content creators

There are more platforms than ever that allow you to support your favorite adult performers and engage directly with their content. Many are open to creating custom, commissioned content or interacting with fans privately for a fee. 

While many online creators don’t necessarily offer in-person meetings, you can still use this as training ground to engage directly with sex workers and to get into the habit of requesting—and paying for—what you want. Remember to be mindful of the creator’s individual rules and guidelines.

Use this as training ground to engage directly with sex workers and to get into the habit of requesting—and paying for—what you want.

Step 2: Proceed to online interactive sex work

Still not ready for an IRL meeting? From camming to paid sexting sites toJOI (jerk-off instruction) sessions and more, there are plenty of ways to engage sex workers, live and from the comfort of your own home. 

Step 3: Book a session!  

First, take inventory to decide what you really want from the experience. Do your research to find the right person for you, keeping in mind that sex workers, like yourself, have boundaries and preferences. Be prepared to show proof of identity and potential references to ensure that they feel safe to meet you. Be clean, polite, communicate clearly and, whatever you do, don’t try to talk anyone into lowering their rate or offering unpaid services.

Have Sex in Public

from Giphy

Did you know that the way our bodies respond to fear, with a quickened pulse and a surge of adrenalin, is identical to how we experience arousal? No wonder public sex is one of the highest-ranking fantasies of all. The excitement, the thrill, the fear of getting caught with our pants down, literally… It’s an unbeatable combination. 

Still, few of us would actually like to get caught, so we let that voice of reason talk us out of anything too ‘out there’. However, public play doesn’t mean you have to put on a show in the city center in broad daylight. There are plenty of ways to play it safe(r) and nudge your way to the edge of your comfort zone, at your own speed. 

Step 1: Dirty talk and subtle D/s play in public

Start by just talking about having sex in public, playing with the notion that you look innocent from the outside while whispering the filthiest things into each other’s ears. 

If you’re into power play, give each other challenges to fulfill, such as instructing your partner to masturbate in the restaurant bathroom and bringing back a sneaky selfie—or, if you want something more tangible, their damp underwear—as proof.

Start by just talking about having sex in public, playing with the notion that you look innocent from the outside while whispering the filthiest things into each other’s ears. 

Step 2: Remote controlled sex toys and missing undies

Remote controlled toys are a fun and low-risk way to play in crowded places. If the thought of someone hearing the vibrations from your toy freaks you out, start somewhere noisy like a club or a bar.

Alternatively, you can try inching yourself closer to your goal, one layer of clothing at the time. Start by going commando to somewhere like the park or to a movie and let your partner in on the secret by leading their hand up your skirt or into your pants. Who knows, perhaps this prompts you to skip right to step four?

Step 3: Have outdoor sex in a low-risk place

Still feeling shy? Why not go off the beaten path of your hiking trail, to a secluded beach, or somewhere else outside with a relatively low risk of intruders? This way you can relax and enjoy the ride without letting your nerves get the best of you. Besides, few things feel more deliciously primal than getting down and dirty among the birds and the trees, with the wind caressing your naked skin

Pro tip: a blanket, wet wipes and bottled water are your outdoor sex kit essentials. 

If the great outdoors are not available to you, there are other low-risk public (or semi-public) places to try, starting with your own balcony, inside a locked car, or in a decent sized locked toilet stall. 

Step 4: How big of a risk are you willing to take? 

Many public sex aficionados may stop at the last step; others aren’t satisfied until they’ve screwed their way through everything from libraries and fitting rooms, to public park benches, movie theater matinees, train cars, airplane bathrooms… I could continue but my point is, the world is your oyster! 

But—yes, there’s always at least one ‘but’—before you head out to swallow said oyster, I propose the following guidelines: before doing the deed.

Try out role-playing

from Giphy

Just because you fantasize about hooking up with your coworker in the copy room, receiving corporal punishment from your professor, getting railed by your buff handy worker, or tied up by a mysterious burglar, doesn’t mean you actually want those things to happen. But you can realize your fantasies in a different way—by pretending!

If you think roleplaying is awkward and you don’t know where to start, I can relate. Despite being fairly outgoing and confident, the mere thought of acting out a scenario with a lover used to make me blush profusely. It didn’t help that I’d been with a partner for years. In fact, that only made it more awkward. Here are a few suggestions on how to push past the discomfort and get into role-playing.

Step 1: Loosen up through improvisation

Role-play is much more fun when we emphasize the word ‘play’no one’s here to win an Oscar, so let’s stop taking ourselves so seriously.

To get comfortable acting in front of each other, start by playing ‘adult’ charades, which is exactly like regular charades but spicier. Write a bunch of sexy words and actions on pieces of paper and take turns miming and guessing.

To improvise together, write down some of your favorite fantasy settings and act them out, setting a timer to a maximum 10 minutes (or less) per scenario. While it might happen—and that’s great too—the goal of these exercises is not to get turned on but to let yourself go and dare to be silly together. Once you’re over that hurdle, everything else gets easier. 

Step 2: Get dressed up

Have you ever put on a big hat or a wig, and suddenly turned into a different version of yourself? A little bit of costume goes a long way, and this applies in the bedroom as well as out. 

I’ll never forget the first time I wore nothing but high stilettos to bed with a partner. I was in my early twenties and thought, only a sex vixen wears red heels to bed, as I slipped them on and crawled seductively onto the mattress. Guess what? In that moment, it completely changed our dynamic. I became that vixen, my partner was mesmerized—it was some of the best sex the two of us had.

If you have a specific fantasy you want to role-play, you can wear something that hints in the direction. No need to go full Halloween, unless, of course, that’s your vibe.

Step 3: Plan your scene

I used to think talking about sex beforehand ruined the mood; only later did I learn that the opposite is true.Making a whole evening out of planning and talking about a scene can be almost as hot as the scene itself—plus, it creates all that juicy anticipation. Of course, you’ll want to leave room for improvisation and there’s no need for a script, but depending on the nature of your scene—especially if it involves risky or surprise elements, like CNC (consensual non-consent) or medical play—you want to establish safe words and set boundaries. 

Making a whole evening out of planning and talking about a scene can be almost as hot as the scene itself—plus, it creates all that juicy anticipation.

Step 4: Play your role with conviction

Now that you’ve put your inhibitions to the side and planned out your fantasy together, it’s game-time!I started by recommending not taking yourself seriously, and what I’m about to tell you now sounds almost like the opposite: when it comes to playing your role, be fully and wholly immersed in it with as much confidence as you can muster. Clearly, there should still be room for silliness and laughter, but the more convinced you are, the more convincing you’ll be to your partner, allowing them to suspend their disbelief and embrace the fantasy. 

In sex, much as in life, the scenic route is often better. See how much more approachable things get when they’re dissected into smaller steps? Now that we’ve shown you six ideas, maybe you can take your own fucket-list items and separate them into manageable milestones for yourself? Keep in mind that sex, like any other skill, is one that we can hone through practice and exploration! 

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