Safer sex isn't just about using barriers and birth control— it means consent conversations that beyond just a "yes" or "no."

Safer sex isn't just about using barriers and getting tested. Creating an emotionally safe environment is also important to ensure everyone's pleasure.

How to Ensure Emotional Safety During Sex | Lustery POV

Emotional Safety During Sex

When it comes to safer sex, most people only think about using barriers (like condoms) and STI testing. While these are inarguably vital parts of a healthy sexual experience, 

 is just as important but often harder to pinpoint. Part of why emotional safety extendsbeyond basic consent is because people can experience intense and sometimes contradictory emotions during sex.

When we’re better able to communicate our internal experiences to our partners, it’s easier to make adjustments that allow us to be uninhibited and fully engaged during intimacy.

Consent has gotten a lot of attention in recent years, but sometimes these discussions only lead to more confusion. While it’s highly imperative that any sexual act has enthusiastic consent from everyone involved, in practice, establishing consent is more nuanced than theory can meaningfully address. Even so, much of the conversation heavily focuses on explicit verbal consent (EVC), where partners clearly state “yes” or “no” before any sexual act begins. 

For example, if you felt apprehensive about trying a new position, enthusiasm might not always be feasible. Or maybe you go into an activity enthusiastically, but then later in the moment, you realize you’re in pain and can’t vocalize your desire to stop. Many people tell their partners that they’ve been tested for STIs, but don’t remember the exact date, nor do they factor incubation periods, and transmission occurs anyway.

If informed consent was the intention, but the information was inaccurate, what happens then? All of these are incredibly common scenarios that don’t constitute assault, but which unfortunately fall outside the FRIES framework. Consent alone doesn’t guarantee that an intimate experience will be pleasurable, or prevent regret afterward.

When we teach each other that only the “yes” or “no” is important, we inadvertently create the expectation that all consensual experiences are positive, and that all negative experiences must be non-consensual, which is just impossible. As the basics of consent become more culturally widespread, it behooves us to deepen these conversations by adding levels of nuance and discernment. People will always have consensual experiences that don’t go as planned, and it’s important to equip people with the communication tools they can use in these situations without immediately resorting to accusations of violence.

"Consent alone doesn’t guarantee that an intimate experience will be pleasurable, or prevent regret afterward."

Try this: Words of Affirmation Aren’t Just a 

Explore how you can provide feedback openly during sex. Explicit verbal check-ins are a good start, but this can go a lot further. Think about the times you’ve felt the most comfortable during sex, as well as the times you felt the least. Can you pinpoint certain elements that contributed to those experiences?

While no one wants sex to feel stale and repetitive, knowing what generally works for you can create a secure foundation for you to build on. When you’re exploring new things, give yourself permission to voice your honest thoughts to your partner. They can’t improve their technique or make other necessary adjustments if you don’t ask for what you want more of.

On the flip side, be forthcoming with your sex partners about your consent practices, too. One useful tool is framing consent questions as “this or that” statements. For example, instead of asking an open-ended question like “What do you want?” you can try asking “Do you want to keep going or stop?” or “do you want to go faster or slower?”

Many people struggle to identify and express their 

 in the moment, so framing questions as options is often an easier way to get an accurate response from your partner. And don’t be afraid of taking breaks! If something doesn’t feel right, pause, maybe have some water, and take a second to decide what comes next.

We need to unlearn the notion that sex must be a smooth, non-stop, perfect experience without communication. That only leads to unspoken expectations and disappointment. It’s okay to take a beat and regroup. The more you and your partner are open to talking about what’s working or not, and making adjustments as needed, the better the sex you’ll have.

When you do have an experience that doesn’t live up to expectations, try to avoid placing blame. Instead, focus on what you would like to do differently next time. We can’t undo the past, but we can learn from our mistakes and give ourselves a chance to do better.

Sexual violence plays a silent but consequential role in intimacy

Unfortunately, many people have histories of sexual violence, which adds a layer of complexity when it comes to 

. Sexual trauma can cause people who want to have sex to become unexpectedly triggered, and they can experience moments of overwhelmingly negative physical sensations or consuming memories.

These trauma responses can be painful and confusing for all parties involved. Learning to recognize and address your specific triggers can be a good way to feel empowered during sex, but this is clearly easier said than done.

Try this: Talk to your partner beforehand about potential triggers.

If you can access professional help to address your history of sexual violence, please do so. Working with a skilled mental health expert can help reduce the intensity of your trauma responses, as well as offer tools to help you communicate with your partners. Even if you don’t have access to such help, it’s important to inform the people you’re with about things you wish to avoid.

Be open to potentially hearing about their own experiences with sexual violence, and ask about what preventative steps can be incorporated into your intimacy to reduce activation. I’ve written extensively about how to create

Facing rejection with compassionate understanding

Rejection is a normal part of every human interaction, and even the closest partners don’t always have aligned needs. It’s unavoidable that partners will occasionally reject sexual advances or specific requests from one another, and being on the receiving end of rejection can sting. But a large part of creating emotional intimate safety is learning to depersonalize rejection.

We can reframe rejection as a request refusal rather than a personal rejection - the person is saying “no” to the specific experience, not saying “no” to you as a person. The capacity to depersonalize rejection allows us to be gracious to a partner who has the equally vulnerable task of voicing opposition. By being kind toward our partners, which can include voicing honest disappointment, we open up space to be real about what we 

A really unfortunate pattern can develop when one partner has adverse reactions to rejection, and the other person starts to agree to sexual acts they don’t want to participate in as a way of appeasing their partner’s emotional outbursts.

"We need to unlearn the notion that sex must be a smooth, non-stop, perfect experience without communication."

Try this: Embrace rejection, however reluctantly.

When you’re not up for sex, be explicit about the fact that you’re 

, not the person. It may seem obvious to you, but for your pal, it can be a good reminder that you’re not blatantly rejecting them. If you have something else in mind, like cuddling or a massage, offer up those alternatives. Remember that sex isn’t the only way to express intimacy in relationships.

If you don’t want to participate in a certain type of sex, that’s perfectly fine. What might you like to do instead? When you’re on the receiving end of rejection, don’t fear! You’re not gross, terrible, unattractive, pathetic, or whatever mean thought might pop into your head. Everyone gets rejected. Don’t push your partner during these instances, instead maybe try to be curious about what they’d like to do instead. It’s also not advisable to completely shut down.

Rejection stings in the short term, but it’s not definitive proof that you shouldn’t go for it again. If you and your partner have persistent issues around initiation and rejection, try to picking a time to have a conversation 

the bedroom. Sometimes having a space with less built-in pressure to express our thoughts about sex can bring us closer together.

Maybe the way that initiation has occurred isn’t working for one person, and that’s okay. The less you take rejection personally, the more you invite honesty and vulnerability from others. It’s intensely difficult to have connective and emotionally secure sex if partners don’t feel like they can open up to each other. Again, being receptive to feedback is the best way to get better at sex.