Frequency of sex is a top concern for ethically non-monogamous relationships

Frequency of sex is a top concern for ethically non-monogamous relationships. Sam’s Cat from Shrimpteeth explores how the frequency of sex impacts relationships. 

Do Polyamorous Couples Have More Sex? | POV by Lustery

Do Polyamorous Couples Have More Sex?

Do you have sex as often as you should? Does frequent sex lead to better relationships? Should you open up your relationship if you want to have more sex? Is it true that 

 are boinking all the time? Lots of us are concerned about sexual metrics, so let’s explore how the frequency of sex impacts relationships.

I recently conducted a poll where my followers informed me that they simultaneously valued the quality of sex over quantity AND had ongoing concerns or conflicts with their pals about the frequency of sex. This was an even bigger point of contention for 

 who had multiple sexual partners, even if they were objectively having more sex than their monogamous peers. 

Why would you worry, let alone fight, over a metric you recognize isn’t even important? During peer support sessions, I often explore the nuanced contradictions of these statements with clients which helps contextualize the surface-level incoherence. I’ve learned there are two major factors at play: culture and competition.

Compulsory Monogamy Informs Normative Sexual Standards

Let’s start with the way culture establishes sexual norms. 

 is organized around a philosophy of sexual exclusivity, which means there is naturally a lot of concern about adherence to the normalized standards. Monogamous couples are taught to care about how quickly they have sex with a new partner (first date, third date, wait until marriage), how quickly they establish exclusivity, and subsequently, how often they have sex. 

The reason the focus is on quantifiable behavior is that standards require measurements, and qualitative standards (like satisfaction) are too ambiguous. Whether quantity is a healthy way to view sexuality is beside the point, norms are meant to provide guidance and acceptance. There’s a ton of research on relationships that reinforce the frequency of sex, furthering the belief that this is a valuable predictor of relationship health. I will say, many articles written after 2020 add a caveat that having sex once a week isn’t necessary, right before launching into all the reasons why you should.

 I’d argue that the bigger source of unhappiness might be the judgment from others that comes from breaking norms. Similarly, couples who have great domestic relationships, emotional connections, or intellectual pursuits but only have sex with other people are regarded as weird. As anyone who has practiced polyamory knows, there’s no shortage of folks willing to inform you that your lifestyle goes against the norm. 

The goal of norms isn’t to create flexible variability that accommodates different relationships, norms are meant to set one single expectation for everyone to meet. Given all this social conditioning it’s hard not to absorb this prevailing ideology about the importance of frequent sex. Whenever there’s a metric that we fail to meet, it’s bound to cause conflict or guilt.

Sexual Comparisons Occurs When Polyamorists Feel Insecure

For polyamorous folks, the frequency of sex is a prime concern since it’s a quantifiable point of comparison. When we feel insecure about our pals dating other people, we measure ourselves against metamours to try to determine how much of a threat they pose. Again, qualitative traits are harder to assess, so we tend to fixate on objective measures. 

I say “objective,” even if that’s not necessarily true; I have plenty of clients who are upset because they simply assume their pals are having more sex with other people even if this doesn’t match reality. But either way, jealousy stirs up fears, and when we’re feeling unsure we grasp for data points that will either confirm or disprove our beliefs, no matter how useful those comparisons actually are. 

 because of an acknowledged sexual incompatibility or disinterest, who subsequently get mad when their pal starts having more sex with someone else. Since we’ve internalized from our culture that frequent sex determines relationship satisfaction, it can be an incredibly painful experience when we aren’t the pal who comes out on top, regardless of our actual desire to engage with our pal sexually. 

For example, I would occasionally get jealous that my husband was having sex with others, even if we had a platonic sexless marriage since I’m gay. I definitely didn’t have any desire to engage with him sexually, but simply wanted to be better than his girlfriend. Sex provided a point of comparison even if it was an objectively useless metric given our situation. Egos complicate everything. 

One client recently bemoaned her partner’s “immaturity” after learning he had sex multiple times with a pal he hadn’t seen in a few weeks. She was vexed that he didn’t want to have as much sex with her, convinced this was a sign of childishness. Previous to this incident, she had been telling me how much emotional intimacy had grown between them and that she felt very satisfied with the relationship. 

I don’t mean to suggest that her feelings were invalid, but rather that counting the amount of sex he was having fed her

 and contradicted her previous evaluation. But again, people are complicated and polyamory is defined by contradicting states. Regardless of the situation, it’s clear that counting how often, how quickly, and how many times people have sex with others is a great tool for indulging in our insecure comparison, not for assessing the overall health of the partnership.

Some people will argue that sex is a biological imperative, that they NEED it. Great! I’m also one of those people with a high and spontaneous sex drive. That doesn’t mean you need to have partnered sex to meet those needs; masturbation is always a valid option. In many relationships, pals have 

 of desire, making it hard to have consistent, predictable, or enough sex. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the relationship itself. 

People can be happy and satisfied in relationships even if they’re having less sex than they would ideally want. What does hold true in relationships is that folks need to feel connected which is strengthened by intimacy. While it’s truly foolish to believe that all couples should be having a prescribed amount (or type) of sex, it is true that couples who feel comfortable being intimate together have stronger bonds. Intimacy is simply a deep feeling of closeness. For a lot of people, sex is a good way to develop and nurture that state of connection, but it’s not the only option nor does it have to happen at a set interval. 

The best way to encourage sex with a partner is by prioritizing time to connect. Pals who feel safe and comfortable 

 are more likely to have sex than those who are acutely aware that you’re keeping close tabs on the frequency of sex. Sexual insecurities are a valid and common concern in polyamory, but fixating on metrics doesn’t get to the core of the issue. Learning how to make healthy bids for connection and noticing when your partner is reaching for you can help to develop an enduring closeness and security. 